Purely Anecdotal One more woman in the STEM pipeline.

Welcome. Please look around, enjoy yourself, and let me know what you think. Although this blog will most likely center on women in science and engineering, academia, and new motherhood, it is not limited to these topics. I may occasionally raise some opinion regarding politics, products, people, news, scientific findings, or a host of other subjects sure to promote controversy. Open discourse, I believe, is one of the fundamental goods in a free society. Still, I ask you to always keep in mind while perusing my website that all you read here is entirely my point of view. It is as a scoffing scientist might say, purely anecdotal...

How Does a Scanning Electron Microscope (SEM) Work?

admin August 28th, 2009

Flip on the light in your kitchen and take a look around. In front of you most likely are your cabinets, refrigerator, and maybe the trusty coffee pot that you stumble downstairs to turn on every morning. We process the world through sight so naturally that rarely do we think about how it occurs, but the truth is that we do not actually observe the objects around us. Instead what we really see is the pattern of light that bounces off of them. The reason the coffee pot looks different from the fridge is that the light interacts with it differently, sending different patterns to your eye. If you find this difficult to believe, flip that light back off again. To your eye, your kitchen has vanished. The coffee pot still exists, but now there is no light to bounce off of it.

Electron microscopes work much the same way, but instead of bouncing light off of an object to figure out what it looks like, they use electrons. Why use electrons? Well, because they are smaller than photons (light “particles”) and like smaller pixels on a TV, they provide a more detailed picture of the thing you want to see. Imagine that you are blindfolded and given a small object (say a toy car) to draw and identify. At first, you are only allowed to feel the object with your arms. Later, you are allowed to hold and feel the toy with your fingers. Your fingers give you a much better description of the car because they are smaller, and can fit into all the small folds and crevices. Your two drawings will look very different. The same principle works for microscopy. The smaller the bits exploring the object, the more detail we can observe.

While light microscopes use glass lenses to focus light down on an object, electron microscopes use magnetic lenses to focus down the electrons. Electrons are scanned over the object, and information about how they interact is sent back to sensors. The sensors then use this information, just like your eye, to create an image of what the object looks like. As you can see above, SEMs can produce very highly detailed images of small objects, achieving up to 250 times the magnification of light microscopes.

Of course this is a very simple description of a complex technology. Yet strip away the details, and underneath it all is the simple idea that you’ll figure out more about an object by poking it with a pin than you will with a bowling ball.

Infant

admin August 2nd, 2009

Infant

Who can tell you it will be like this?
I have a camera for watching him.
I eavesdrop on his sleep, his soft quick breaths.
Sometimes I love him best this way-
Powered down.
When he wakes I can feel my heart quicken, my body
Warms with apprehension.
He becomes to me a hidden explosive.
Tread softly, I admonish others.

And yet sometimes I love him best just when he wakes.
I race his father to see him.
Hands on the stairs I push my way up
As an animal.
I lift him up and breathe his skin. I celebrate him.
I produce my hip for his seat.
I run toward him and yet away I pull always.
I love you, come here.
I am tired of you, let me be.
Others, watching me, must find me insane.
Perhaps, I think, they are not so incorrect.

Don’t Do It

admin June 25th, 2009

I came home from a vacation recently to a rather interesting email in my inbox. At first, I thought it was about my role in licensing a patent on one of my research discoveries (oooh yeah!). It wasn’t.

This is now the second time I have received this letter. It reads:

Dear PA ,

I am writing on behalf of the international academic publisher, LAP Lambert Academic Publishing AG & CO.KG.

In the course of a research at the Library of YOUR UNIVERSITY, we came across a reference to your thesis on “ESOTERIC THESIS TOPIC IN THE SCIENCES”.

As we would like to make your work available to a larger audience, I am wondering if you may be interested in publishing your thesis in the form of a printed book.

Your reply including an e-mail address to which I can send an e-mail with further information in an attachment will be greatly appreciated.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely yours,
Kind regards

Bryan Narroo
Acquisition Editor

LAP LAMBERT Academic Publishing AG & Co. KG

Theodor-Heuss-Ring 26 / 50668 Köln, Germany

Fon +49 681 3720-310
Fax +49 681 3720-3109

b.narroo@lap-publishing.com / www.lap-publishing.com

Handelsregister Amtsgericht Köln HRA 26549
Partner with unlimited liability:
VDM Verwaltung Aktiengesellschaft
Handelsregister Amtsgericht Saarbrücken HRB 16777

Board of Directors: Dr. Wolfgang Müller (Chairman/Vors.), Christoph Schulligen, Jürgen Gerber,
Supervisory Board: Prof. Dr. Johannes G. Bischoff (Chairman/ Vors.), RA Thomas Bischoff, RA André Gottschalk

The first time I got this letter I was a little excited. I mean, they wanted to publish ME! Who cares if my dissertation is already widely available for anyone who ever cares to read it. They think it could be a BOOK! Like with real pages and binding and my name all big on the front and people will buy it. I was also out of a job and more than a little vulnerable. Of course, I did have some things going for me. First, I’ve done my fair share of publishing in good journals and have no real need to publish my dissertation. Second, I’m am deathly afraid of violating copyrights and going to “pound you in the ass prison” (or any prison, really). And last, I know how to use the internet. So I did what any good little researcher would do.

I googled.

And I found out that this is a scam, people. Don’t do it!

See here: http://hjhop.blogspot.com/2008/12/shady-academic-publishing.html
And here: http://littlecomputerscientist.wordpress.com/2009/06/04/investigating-lambert-academic-publishing-with-google-square/

They really do have a pretty website. But sadly, a good website is a (mostly) necessary but not sufficient condition.

11 Months - Where Did They Go?

admin May 28th, 2009

Dear son,

I am remiss for not writing sooner. I feel guilt already for not getting down all those little moments that have changed you, changed us, really, the last few months. Those little tiny, insignificant, significant things that I fear will be forgotten forever. Do not think that this lapse means that I am somehow less in love, less interested, less enamored with you than with your first few months. Because the truth is that it is the opposite. I have not been pausing to document because I am too busy enjoying the moment. I have no idea when it happened exactly, but sometime in the last few months you have become a little boy. You have changed from the baby I loved, to the little boy who just makes my heart burst, and I don’t know how.

You crawl. You “talk.” You demand to eat our food. You grin at silly jokes. You squeal with delight. You find jumping hysterical. You laugh at the dogs. You snuggle me and hold me close. You rest your head on my shoulder. You arch your back and kick and scream. You say, “pshaw” but so far do not seem to know that it should accompany an eye roll. You smack your lips. You give kisses. You have a happy full face grin that comes with crinkle squished eyes. This is my favorite grin. You hold your arms to be picked up. You stand and try to walk. The world to you is an exciting place, and I am so happy to be there as you discover it.

Last weekend we left you for the first time for several days. You have no idea how long or how much I agonized over this event. I planned and prepared and still never thought that I could really go through with it. I was afraid that it would damage you forever. I was afraid that it would damage me forever. How stupid I am. You had a fabulous time. I know because your aunt sent pictures showing how much fun you were having. When I got you back you crawled more, ate foods that you never ate before, and seemed more independent. You also slept through the night. So long in fact, that your father in I felt the need to sneak into your room to check your breathing. So, you’re welcome. Perhaps we should do you a favor and go on vacation more often.

Knowing this, I feel much better about another huge change that is likely soon to happen around here. Your mother has finally found a job. Or a job found her. It is not writing, the thing that she is pretty sure she wants to do in the long term, but it sounds important and fun and best of all will come (hopefully) with some real money. But my dear dear baby, this means that I will no longer be able to be the one who plays with you all day, the one who notices those tiny changes, who finds myself catching my breath at noon on a Wednesday at just how incredible you are. But I hope that I can still do these things with the shorter time I’ll have with you. And I hope that by working I will teach you that women can work and be mothers too, that we must each do what makes us happy, and sometimes having a bit more money in the bank is part of that too. I am excited but I will miss you. I am not sure whether or not I hope you miss me.

May you do those things that make you happy. May you have a life as full as mine.

Happy 11 months, my son. What a time we’ve had.

Good Places to Visit (When you Aren’t Looking for Porn)

admin May 12th, 2009

Do you read PhD Comics? Because you should. And not because they are a hilarious daily procrastination, though they are, but because they are just SO TRUE. I think that I will direct any young naïve little thing asking me about grad school there with strict instructions to read, beginning to end. Then if they still have the courage to proceed, THEN I will write a recommendation.

http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=360

Also, I was bopping around the internet today and found THIS! Signed my little self up and everything.

http://www.scientificblogging.com/

My First

admin May 10th, 2009

Today was my first Mother’s Day as a mother. Today my husband rose early to make me breakfast (eggs, strawberry pancakes, biscuits, bacon, coffee, OJ) while also entertaining my 10 month old son sufficiently that he made no protestation loud enough to solicit me from bed. Today I slept in, and I ate well.

Today, after sitting out the morning nap on the couch, I went hiking with my family of three. My son’s first hike was a steep mile long trek to the top of a mountain with a commanding view. Carried in a pack by my husband he made little noise, mesmerized by the new sights and sounds, the people with their dogs and children of all ages, older couples, younger couples, people for whom, like us, mother’s day meant a day outside. At the summit (if such a short “mountain” can have a summit) we looked out over the expanse of city we left behind. The city is always more beautiful from a distance.

I have contemplated upon occasion what animal I would choose to become were I to be banished from the species of human. I have considered puma and bear, horse and antelope. But what I would most like to become, I think, is a falcon. I would like to soar in the wind, circling, diving, eyes sharp as a telephoto lens. It must be exhilarating for a young chick to grow into the realization that she is a falcon. It must be incredible to realize that you can soar. Such gorgeous creatures. Such eloquent engineering. I have seen them fly above me and wondered how differently my world must look to a bird of prey.

Today just as we were thinking of beginning our decent we looked out toward the city spires for one last moment, and there it was, hanging. Just hanging in the sky so still that at first I absurdly thought it a kite. But then my mind saw it for what it was - falcon. She was riding the wind so perfectly, her movements so balanced, that she appeared to hang in the sky, weightless, more ghost than animal. I watched her several minutes as she floated. And then in a movement so swift and confident that I could not help but to let out a collective gasp, she folded her wings and dove. Down, down she dove with incredible speed before again unfolding her wings in the wind to ride the currents. It was truly incredible. I make an effort to consciously file wonderful moments away for times of loss or unhappiness or old age. The idea is that by doing this I might hold onto the memory for a little longer. I hope to keep this one for a long time.

Today was my first Mother’s Day. And though I hate hate hate to admit it, my mother was right. I did not understand her until I became a mother myself. Until I saw this baby boy of mine who smells of bath soap and baby hair, who smiles toothy grins and clings to me and adores me, and thought to the future when he will want his space, when I will be old and weak and embarrassing, until now, I did not know how vulnerable this job would make me. I did not understand how those times I fought to distance myself from her, she was remembering that sweet baby. The one who smelled of bath soap and baby hair. The one smiled toothy grins, who clung to her and adored her.

I will guard myself against the future with days like this, perfect days, days of incredible joy and beauty. I will show these things to my son. I will take him on more hikes. And maybe, just maybe, even when I’m weak and old and embarrassing, he will remember days like this, and he will need to pull away just a little less. Maybe he too will have held on a little to that sweet baby.

Today I took my baby on his first hike. I took him up a mountain to see the city. When I held out my hand he laughed, and grabbed for my finger. Today was my first Mother’s Day.

It Really IS All They Think About

admin May 8th, 2009

Me: So what do you want for Father’s Day? This is a really big deal, you know, being your first Father’s Day. I’ve got to come up with something good. Something memorable, that you would really enjoy. Any idea what you would like?
Huz: Ummm, sex.
Me: What? Seriously? That’s all you want.
Huz: Yup, us men are easy to please.

Erosion

admin May 7th, 2009

The weather is gorgeous. My baby is happy and healthy. I have a wonderful husband. We have several fun trips planned, and our money situation at least right now is getting better.

I feel lost.

It is coming up on 10 months that I haven’t had a job. And this is really bothering me. I have never NOT had something waiting for me, something to strive for, something concrete when asked my plans. Even in grad school when I hated the work, I had a plan. Why can’t I find something? Do I need professional resume help? Do I need to spend more time looking? How do I do that when I have this baby I need to look after? Do I need to narrow my search? Quit trying to write and just do what I was trained to do? Should I suck it up and sell our house, make my husband quit his job, and move my family to whatever institution will give me a post-doc? God, is it that I am just NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

I feel like there is a train nearby on its way to my ideal life. I can hear this train. I know it is near, but I search and search and just can’t find it. And I know that eventually the train will pass by, and I may never get to that perfect place. Ever. No matter how hard I work, or how badly I want it.

I am forgetting what I learned. I am becoming obsolete.

I can imagine dozens of idyllic paths. I feel paralyzed, knowing that each one necessarily negates the other, and (reality check) right now, I am not on any of them.

One of the things that really bothered me about graduate work was the lack of feedback. Whereas in school, virtually every effort is graded, I felt adrift as a graduate assistant. Was what I was doing right? Could I be doing better? Were the other students better at this than me? Should I be working harder? Where was my A? During the first 2 years or so I drifted slowly slowly into a depression. I sat for hours in front of my computer, listlessly reading, searching for something that would make me feel better. The internet, I must say, never delivered. One day, I sat in my car in front of my house and fantasized about launching myself into the nearby ditch. Fortunately, soon after this incident my advisor and I had a heart to heart and I started to do better.

And now, I have less. Even less. No one knows what I do all day. No one is here to celebrate my accomplishments. There is nothing to add to my resume.

And I am starting to feel that corrosive pull. Those doubts. Those cagey thoughts. Maybe I will never find a job. Maybe I will never get to do what I want. Maybe I should have waited to get pregnant. Maybe I have made a REALLY BIG MISTAKE.

The danger is that it is so subtle, so gradual. It takes time to really lose oneself. I feel the first tiny currents. I know this feeling. What do I do?

NYT Op-Ed: Universities Must Restructure

admin April 30th, 2009

I found this Op Ed from the New York Times relevant and thought provoking. In general I agree and wish I had read something like this before launching myself into graduate school years ago. I am curious as to what others think

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/27/opinion/27taylor.html?em

Things to Come

admin April 24th, 2009

For some time now I’ve wanted to write a few posts for non-scientific parents with curious kids. You know, good, kid friendly answers to common science-y kid questions like,

Why is my shadow/the moon/that large building following me?
Why is the grass/sky/dirt green/blue/black?
What is a bruise?
What causes the tides?
How does electricity get to our house?
Can you really dig a hole to China?
Why does cinnamon feel hot on my tongue?
How many stars are in the sky?

Etc. etc. etc.

I’d like to present this information in a way kids can understand, but not dumbed down so much that the answer is essentially wrong (as a surprising number of textbooks did when I was young). Additionally, I will include some extra information for the parent, so that the answers can get a little more sophisticated for older children. These should be coming in the next few weeks. I can’t wait.

I also want to start some interesting random experiments and chronicle the process and results here. I was amazed the other day how many people really do not understand that the scientific process can be applied to most any question – not just things like space travel and lasers. (Though really, who doesn’t love a good laser?)

For my first experiment I think I will do a little test on my husband. I’d lay out the groundwork here, but he actually reads this thing from time to time and if the experiment is to work, the subject can’t have prior knowledge.

Is that you honey? Hi there! Feeling OK? Good.

If you have any suggestions, please pass them along.

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