Welcome. Please look around, enjoy yourself, and let me know what you think.
Although this blog will most likely center on women in science and engineering, academia, and new motherhood, it is not limited to these topics.
I may occasionally raise some opinion regarding politics, products, people, news, scientific findings, or a host of other subjects sure to promote controversy.
Open discourse, I believe, is one of the fundamental goods in a free society. Still, I ask you to always keep in mind while perusing my website that all you read here is entirely
my point of view. It is as a scoffing scientist might say, purely anecdotal...
admin May 8th, 2009
Me: So what do you want for Father’s Day? This is a really big deal, you know, being your first Father’s Day. I’ve got to come up with something good. Something memorable, that you would really enjoy. Any idea what you would like?
Huz: Ummm, sex.
Me: What? Seriously? That’s all you want.
Huz: Yup, us men are easy to please.
admin May 7th, 2009
The weather is gorgeous. My baby is happy and healthy. I have a wonderful husband. We have several fun trips planned, and our money situation at least right now is getting better.
I feel lost.
It is coming up on 10 months that I haven’t had a job. And this is really bothering me. I have never NOT had something waiting for me, something to strive for, something concrete when asked my plans. Even in grad school when I hated the work, I had a plan. Why can’t I find something? Do I need professional resume help? Do I need to spend more time looking? How do I do that when I have this baby I need to look after? Do I need to narrow my search? Quit trying to write and just do what I was trained to do? Should I suck it up and sell our house, make my husband quit his job, and move my family to whatever institution will give me a post-doc? God, is it that I am just NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
I feel like there is a train nearby on its way to my ideal life. I can hear this train. I know it is near, but I search and search and just can’t find it. And I know that eventually the train will pass by, and I may never get to that perfect place. Ever. No matter how hard I work, or how badly I want it.
I am forgetting what I learned. I am becoming obsolete.
I can imagine dozens of idyllic paths. I feel paralyzed, knowing that each one necessarily negates the other, and (reality check) right now, I am not on any of them.
One of the things that really bothered me about graduate work was the lack of feedback. Whereas in school, virtually every effort is graded, I felt adrift as a graduate assistant. Was what I was doing right? Could I be doing better? Were the other students better at this than me? Should I be working harder? Where was my A? During the first 2 years or so I drifted slowly slowly into a depression. I sat for hours in front of my computer, listlessly reading, searching for something that would make me feel better. The internet, I must say, never delivered. One day, I sat in my car in front of my house and fantasized about launching myself into the nearby ditch. Fortunately, soon after this incident my advisor and I had a heart to heart and I started to do better.
And now, I have less. Even less. No one knows what I do all day. No one is here to celebrate my accomplishments. There is nothing to add to my resume.
And I am starting to feel that corrosive pull. Those doubts. Those cagey thoughts. Maybe I will never find a job. Maybe I will never get to do what I want. Maybe I should have waited to get pregnant. Maybe I have made a REALLY BIG MISTAKE.
The danger is that it is so subtle, so gradual. It takes time to really lose oneself. I feel the first tiny currents. I know this feeling. What do I do?
admin April 30th, 2009
I found this Op Ed from the New York Times relevant and thought provoking. In general I agree and wish I had read something like this before launching myself into graduate school years ago. I am curious as to what others think
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/27/opinion/27taylor.html?em
admin April 24th, 2009
For some time now I’ve wanted to write a few posts for non-scientific parents with curious kids. You know, good, kid friendly answers to common science-y kid questions like,
Why is my shadow/the moon/that large building following me?
Why is the grass/sky/dirt green/blue/black?
What is a bruise?
What causes the tides?
How does electricity get to our house?
Can you really dig a hole to China?
Why does cinnamon feel hot on my tongue?
How many stars are in the sky?
Etc. etc. etc.
I’d like to present this information in a way kids can understand, but not dumbed down so much that the answer is essentially wrong (as a surprising number of textbooks did when I was young). Additionally, I will include some extra information for the parent, so that the answers can get a little more sophisticated for older children. These should be coming in the next few weeks. I can’t wait.
I also want to start some interesting random experiments and chronicle the process and results here. I was amazed the other day how many people really do not understand that the scientific process can be applied to most any question – not just things like space travel and lasers. (Though really, who doesn’t love a good laser?)
For my first experiment I think I will do a little test on my husband. I’d lay out the groundwork here, but he actually reads this thing from time to time and if the experiment is to work, the subject can’t have prior knowledge.
Is that you honey? Hi there! Feeling OK? Good.
If you have any suggestions, please pass them along.
admin April 23rd, 2009
I love Dooce. (Does that make me, like, a follower? Well, I never sat at the coolest table anyway. And by the way, people, I started the whole gin and tonic fad. I was totally drinking them WAY before they become newly popular. Just saying.)
and
I am selfishly hoping that her experiences having a second child will help me figure out my own future second-child dilemma. Is that bad? Or is that what this blogging thing is all about?
admin April 15th, 2009
I am always suspicious of those who don’t read books. Just like people who don’t like dogs and prefer dreary weather, I know that there is just not something right with people who don’t read. I don’t care if you like sci-fi, biographies, murder novels, tomes of poetry, porn anthologies, whatever. A refusal to read is a refusal to learn, to imagine, to improve, play, explore, and be amazed. And if you don’t want to do these things, I just don’t understand you, never will, and that is how it is. Goodbye.
So unsurprisingly I have little sympathy when mothers who skipped (metaphorically) along in happy ignorance during their pregnancy are suddenly at a loss for how to handle this new monster/baby. Perhaps if you had done a little preparation, you might have some idea of what is going on. Now I know that reading all the books in the world will not fully prepare someone for mother (or father!) hood. But people, did you really think that God would just reach into your head and massage knowledge on all needed topics into your brain? If so, please go get into your car, drive to Costco, and buy their 500 pack of condoms because you, do not need to be procreating.
Seriously. I have some friends – smart, funny, great people – who seem to subscribe to the massaged brain brand of parenting and they have no idea why their kid is doesn’t sleep, eats crap, and does whatever she pleases. Well, perhaps, I’d like to say, because you suck at parenting but you don’t know that because you don’t read. I may be a little judgmental.
Of course you can’t just buy ALL the books. Some are better than others. Some have misinformation, or are badly in need of a better editor, or just say what you already know and thank you very much for that $20. So I thought I’d write down my list of absolute you-really-should-have-these-if-you-want-to-be sane-and-be-a-good-parent-really-you-need-to-buy-these” books.
For the first year or so (which is all I am qualified to recommend) you will need to know:
1. How to get that damned baby to shut up and go to sleep (soothing)
2. What is to be expected in terms of sleep, feeding, bathing, daily routines, etc. and how to accomplish these (basic needs)
3. Why is she looking at me like that - I think she’s plotting to kill me and squish my dead guts around in her fingers. (brain development)
4. When do I need to start baby proofing again? (general guide for milestones, etc.)
5. And possibly - I thought this breastfeeding thing was supposed to be “natural”!?. (Breastfeeding)
(Parenting and discipline stuff I’m just beginning to explore, since this comes much later.)
Here is what I recommend:
1. The Happiest Baby on the Block:
Ohmygod. I love this book. It made me much less scared during pregnancy, and more confident once the baby arrived. It made sense, it wasn’t preachy, it gave options, it KEPT MY BABY HAPPY. And best of all I knew how to get my baby to QUIT CRYING and GO TO SLEEP. It allowed me to put him on a good sleep schedule right away. It’s parenting crack. All during my pregnancy my husband and I would joke about the 5 Ss (shoot, stab, smother, shake…) but seriously, they work.
But this book is only good for 3-4 months or so. And if your baby DOES develop a sleep problem, there’s little help there. I’m eyeing The No Cry Sleep Solution just to make sure that there is nothing that I should be doing for the future, yet am not, but I haven’t read it yet. A book that I DID read after a friend sent it to me was Heathy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, and while the title is true the book was not at all helpful. In fact, this book FREAKED ME OUT and normalcy (and happiness) only returned once that book had been closed and forgotten. It made me mess with what was already a perfectly good nap and sleep schedule for fear that if I did not, my son would be come an axe murderer with ADHD. It is also in dire need of a good editor. (“Wait, am I supposed to be doing this now, or three months ago or five months from now?”) I am sure that if you have allowed your child to progress without any kind of sleep schedule, the warnings and methods in here could help you out, but they need to be presented more methodically.
2. The Moms On Call Guide to Basic Baby Care
I found this book to be a pretty useful guide. The DVD it came with showing things like how to give the baby a bath was also useful, though not as much as it could have been since I was given a similar (better) DVD by my hospital. I completely don’t agree with their suggestions to get your baby to sleep through the night starting at 2 weeks. I’m sorry. 2 weeks is just too young. I should also mention that I checked out their website recently and was surprised to find that their recommended products are the same ones that I have settled on as those I like best – with no prompting whatsoever.
3. Wonder Weeks
Ok, Ok, I don’t actually own this book. But man I wish I did. All the moms in my playgroup talk about it and how wonderful it is. I have found some info online but I really wish I had the full volume. If I have another kid I will buy this one for sure. It helps you predict periods of general fussiness and happiness in your baby, corresponding to how her brain is developing. It also clues you in to what her actions mean in terms of her increasing awareness. It’s awesome. Really.
4. AAP Caring for Your Baby and Young Child – Birth to Age 5
This book is full of useful information and is organized according to age. I don’t know if this is the absolute best one of these, but I like that it is written according to AAP guidelines.
5. The Nursing Mother’s Companion
This book is a thorough and easy to read guide to breastfeeding. I would hazard to say that it is probably the best out there. I had VERY little problem with nursing and still greatly appreciated having this book as a reference.
Those are my 5 books. I think that every mother needs to know this information. Some of them may be interchangeable with other titles out there – all except for Happiest Baby – a truly worthwhile purchase. And they have no idea who I am, honest.
admin March 25th, 2009
Rebecca over at Girls Gone Child asked recently for readers to share a little something positive, a moment, a good deed, a “shiny penny” lying on the sidewalk. What a wonderful post. Though the comments are interesting, I find that few can best her writing. She is funny, timely, and honest, without whining or making you want to puke. What more can you ask?
I had thought that I left this comment over there, and was going to reproduce it here but I can’t find it and so will have to try to write it again. At any rate, I think that small snippets like these are so important to share. I know I went looking a while back and had a hard time finding them. People like me do not find it sufficient to hear that this parenting thing is “worth it.” People like me like to do the research and make that decision for themselves. And while parents love to share that great poop explosion story, I think such “shiny pennies” need to be chronicled as well, as proof, (anecdotal of course) that the good far outweighs the shit, when it happens. So here it is:
The other day my husband came home a little early, so we took advantage of the warm weather and yellow sun to take a neighborhood walk before dinner. I plopped my son face-out in the sling and the three of us walked, hand in hand, noticing to each other a soaring hawk, some wild violets, a new neighbor and his dog. Toward the end my baby grew a little fussy so I changed him over to the hip position to make him more comfortable. Tired, he held me close and rested his head on my chest, bouncing rhythmically, lulled by the sound of his two parents tell the news of the day. “He’s holding onto you,” my huz said. “I know,” I said. And back we walked to our home, to put our son to bed, to talk and make dinner for each other.
Such moments are what I hoped for when over a year and a half ago (that long?!) I asked my husband, “How about now?”
admin March 24th, 2009
Things that are on my mind, in no particular order:
1. Teething. Sucks. Ass. I would be perfectly happy if my son gummed food for the rest of his life. How do people who work deal with the crying all night no sleeping god I wish I could just run away but my baby hurts and that makes it even worse please just sleep child nights?
2. There needs to be a grocery service for (new?) moms. I would totally join. I can handle everything else, but grocery shopping just doesn’t get done. And then I end up eating candy and beer. And not much else.
3. Michelle Obama is planting a veggie garden on the south lawn. I think that this is awesome.
4. Seriously, people. If you would just hire me, you’d see how great I am. Really. And then I could make money. And get my hair done. WAAAY overdue.
5. I just got done looking through old videos. Did I seriously think my kid was cute then? Because he is way better looking now. But not me. I pretty much look like the Wicked Witch of the West. I’m hoping its just the hair. See #4.
6. My body though, is hot. Thank you, breastfeeding.
7. I would like to solve a difficult and consuming problem leading to a sense of real intellectual fulfillment sometime soon. See also #4.
8. I do not think that babies follow the Laws of Thermodynamics. Well, not all the laws, anyway. They certainly fulfill the entropy requirement, but only in another universe can 2 jars of babyfood create 5 lbs of poop. Matter is not created or destroyed, my ass.
Maybe I’ll actually post something worthwhile soon. For now, internets, that is all.
admin March 19th, 2009
I look at your face and wonder
How will you look in 5 years
And how will you look at me?
I am in there, somewhere, but
Will you ever see it?
Are these games we play
The best for you?
Are there other kids, far away
Or down the street, learning more
Learning faster,
Their moms doing the right things
At the right time?
You are so small yet, you break me already.
You strain around me to find something
A bit more appealing.
You stroke my finger in your sleep.
How much is us and what is you only?
You stroke my finger in your sleep.
admin March 19th, 2009
I recently responded to a friend’s post saying that she was mulling over the stem cell issue that has been in the news recently. The topic is far too complex to examine in a simple comment, however, so I decided to expand on it a little in a separate space.
Let me start with the disclaimers: I am a scientist but have never worked with cells. I don’t have a strong opinion on the morality of this and am just putting down what I know. I am not an expert and don’t pretend to be. This is a very complex issue. Some points may be incorrect - if you are an expert feel free to correct me or point me to a reputable source. I don’t mean to start any kind of argument, get into heated discussions, or otherwise alienate myself or anyone else due to posting on this sensitive subject.
In light of the Obama administration changing W’s ruling on stem cells, there has been some discussion about the issue. I think that’s great. Here’s my take:
Stem cell research has enormous potential for the treatment and prevention of incredibly debilitating, life altering, and life threatening diseases for which we currently have very few treatments. Two of these off the top of my head are Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. Though these diseases commonly afflict older people, this research will potentially also do much to treat diseased children and young people. Millions of fully formed humans are suffering and this research could put this suffering to an end. Right now it is our best shot. This is why there is such a push to do this work.
A stem cell is a cell that has not yet been “told” what kind of cell it is. It could be a bone cell or a muscle cell or a red blood cell. A stem cell has not yet been programmed and this makes it very flexible, and it allows us to study how these things work, and to create treatments.
Under his administration, GW enacted a law stating that the federal government would not fund work with embryonic stem cells created after a certain date. All cells created before this date were fair game, but none of those created afterward. States like CA passed legislation to allow this work to continue there, funded by the state, and private companies could do what they pleased, but federal funds were held back. Obama is working to undo these restrictions and open up the research again. Georgia, by the way, is working to limit such work within the state.
I wrote back to my friend pondering the issue, that fortunately for all, scientists have recently come up with ways to force most any kind of human cell back into the stem cell state, eliminating much of the moral and ethical concerns of embryonic stem cells. And yes, this was in large part to W’s legislation. Why then, would anyone want to start up embryonic stem cell research again?
Scientists are more comfortable with what they know. Using what you know reduces variables and strengthens the results of experiments. What they know are embryonic stem cells. It is likely much quicker, cheaper, and easier to work with these cells. Other cells may have different characteristics that they haven’t yet identified. Money spent on teasing a skin cell to be a stem cell could be spent on something else - say getting the technology to the market. The same goes with the time issue. There may be some other key reasons that I am missing as well. Maybe these other cells don’t work as well, all the time, etc.
Why then can they not just use the ones created before W’s arbitrary date? It seems that in order to do the best research one needs stem cells with different genetic material, and limiting the cells to such a finite pool in some cases limits the research. I’m a little fuzzy on this one, but this is what I gather.
My friend’s actual question was “then why would anyone destroy life…” which opens up the question of what these cells really are, and where they come from.
Some people believe that these embryonic stem cells represent human life. Some people see them (morally) just the same as some cells you might scrape off of your skin or the inside of your mouth. I’m not going to argue with that, but let’s think about what happens to these cells when they are not used for research (research with the goal of saving numerous human lives let’s remember). These cells most often come from IVF clinics. These clinics create and discard numerous “waste” cells in the hopes of getting a very small percentage to be viable enough to make a baby. The fate of the other cells is one of three: disposed of as bio-waste, frozen indefinitely, or research. What to do with these cells really is a problem, and many see important research is the answer. Perhaps destroying or freezing (forever?) is better, I don’t know, but the fact remains that these cells are being created whether or not they are used and something has to be done with them.
(I am not going to judge IVF treatments, but it has always puzzled me how you can be in full support of IVF and against embryonic stem cell research when it is the IVF creating the cells to be destroyed in the first place. )
These new technologies (creating stem cells from adult human cells) also shine a new light on the moral and ethical value of embryonic stem cells in general. If an adult muscle or kidney or blood cell can look and act and *be* exactly the same as an embryonic stem cell, then are these as special as we thought? Are all cells then just as much a potential human life?
Complex. I told you.
The reason why Obama is opening up this research again is that whether or not you agree with it, federally funding embryonic stem cell research is, right now, the most direct route to treating and preventing diseases that (fully formed human) people have and are dying from every day. Maybe this is morally wrong. I don’t know and am not going to weigh in on that, but this fact remains.
Please don’t flame me.