Welcome. Please look around, enjoy yourself, and let me know what you think.
Although this blog will most likely center on women in science and engineering, academia, and new motherhood, it is not limited to these topics.
I may occasionally raise some opinion regarding politics, products, people, news, scientific findings, or a host of other subjects sure to promote controversy.
Open discourse, I believe, is one of the fundamental goods in a free society. Still, I ask you to always keep in mind while perusing my website that all you read here is entirely
my point of view. It is as a scoffing scientist might say, purely anecdotal...
admin April 23rd, 2009
I love Dooce. (Does that make me, like, a follower? Well, I never sat at the coolest table anyway. And by the way, people, I started the whole gin and tonic fad. I was totally drinking them WAY before they become newly popular. Just saying.)
and
I am selfishly hoping that her experiences having a second child will help me figure out my own future second-child dilemma. Is that bad? Or is that what this blogging thing is all about?
admin April 15th, 2009
I am always suspicious of those who don’t read books. Just like people who don’t like dogs and prefer dreary weather, I know that there is just not something right with people who don’t read. I don’t care if you like sci-fi, biographies, murder novels, tomes of poetry, porn anthologies, whatever. A refusal to read is a refusal to learn, to imagine, to improve, play, explore, and be amazed. And if you don’t want to do these things, I just don’t understand you, never will, and that is how it is. Goodbye.
So unsurprisingly I have little sympathy when mothers who skipped (metaphorically) along in happy ignorance during their pregnancy are suddenly at a loss for how to handle this new monster/baby. Perhaps if you had done a little preparation, you might have some idea of what is going on. Now I know that reading all the books in the world will not fully prepare someone for mother (or father!) hood. But people, did you really think that God would just reach into your head and massage knowledge on all needed topics into your brain? If so, please go get into your car, drive to Costco, and buy their 500 pack of condoms because you, do not need to be procreating.
Seriously. I have some friends – smart, funny, great people – who seem to subscribe to the massaged brain brand of parenting and they have no idea why their kid is doesn’t sleep, eats crap, and does whatever she pleases. Well, perhaps, I’d like to say, because you suck at parenting but you don’t know that because you don’t read. I may be a little judgmental.
Of course you can’t just buy ALL the books. Some are better than others. Some have misinformation, or are badly in need of a better editor, or just say what you already know and thank you very much for that $20. So I thought I’d write down my list of absolute you-really-should-have-these-if-you-want-to-be sane-and-be-a-good-parent-really-you-need-to-buy-these” books.
For the first year or so (which is all I am qualified to recommend) you will need to know:
1. How to get that damned baby to shut up and go to sleep (soothing)
2. What is to be expected in terms of sleep, feeding, bathing, daily routines, etc. and how to accomplish these (basic needs)
3. Why is she looking at me like that - I think she’s plotting to kill me and squish my dead guts around in her fingers. (brain development)
4. When do I need to start baby proofing again? (general guide for milestones, etc.)
5. And possibly - I thought this breastfeeding thing was supposed to be “natural”!?. (Breastfeeding)
(Parenting and discipline stuff I’m just beginning to explore, since this comes much later.)
Here is what I recommend:
1. The Happiest Baby on the Block:
Ohmygod. I love this book. It made me much less scared during pregnancy, and more confident once the baby arrived. It made sense, it wasn’t preachy, it gave options, it KEPT MY BABY HAPPY. And best of all I knew how to get my baby to QUIT CRYING and GO TO SLEEP. It allowed me to put him on a good sleep schedule right away. It’s parenting crack. All during my pregnancy my husband and I would joke about the 5 Ss (shoot, stab, smother, shake…) but seriously, they work.
But this book is only good for 3-4 months or so. And if your baby DOES develop a sleep problem, there’s little help there. I’m eyeing The No Cry Sleep Solution just to make sure that there is nothing that I should be doing for the future, yet am not, but I haven’t read it yet. A book that I DID read after a friend sent it to me was Heathy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, and while the title is true the book was not at all helpful. In fact, this book FREAKED ME OUT and normalcy (and happiness) only returned once that book had been closed and forgotten. It made me mess with what was already a perfectly good nap and sleep schedule for fear that if I did not, my son would be come an axe murderer with ADHD. It is also in dire need of a good editor. (“Wait, am I supposed to be doing this now, or three months ago or five months from now?”) I am sure that if you have allowed your child to progress without any kind of sleep schedule, the warnings and methods in here could help you out, but they need to be presented more methodically.
2. The Moms On Call Guide to Basic Baby Care
I found this book to be a pretty useful guide. The DVD it came with showing things like how to give the baby a bath was also useful, though not as much as it could have been since I was given a similar (better) DVD by my hospital. I completely don’t agree with their suggestions to get your baby to sleep through the night starting at 2 weeks. I’m sorry. 2 weeks is just too young. I should also mention that I checked out their website recently and was surprised to find that their recommended products are the same ones that I have settled on as those I like best – with no prompting whatsoever.
3. Wonder Weeks
Ok, Ok, I don’t actually own this book. But man I wish I did. All the moms in my playgroup talk about it and how wonderful it is. I have found some info online but I really wish I had the full volume. If I have another kid I will buy this one for sure. It helps you predict periods of general fussiness and happiness in your baby, corresponding to how her brain is developing. It also clues you in to what her actions mean in terms of her increasing awareness. It’s awesome. Really.
4. AAP Caring for Your Baby and Young Child – Birth to Age 5
This book is full of useful information and is organized according to age. I don’t know if this is the absolute best one of these, but I like that it is written according to AAP guidelines.
5. The Nursing Mother’s Companion
This book is a thorough and easy to read guide to breastfeeding. I would hazard to say that it is probably the best out there. I had VERY little problem with nursing and still greatly appreciated having this book as a reference.
Those are my 5 books. I think that every mother needs to know this information. Some of them may be interchangeable with other titles out there – all except for Happiest Baby – a truly worthwhile purchase. And they have no idea who I am, honest.
admin March 25th, 2009
Rebecca over at Girls Gone Child asked recently for readers to share a little something positive, a moment, a good deed, a “shiny penny” lying on the sidewalk. What a wonderful post. Though the comments are interesting, I find that few can best her writing. She is funny, timely, and honest, without whining or making you want to puke. What more can you ask?
I had thought that I left this comment over there, and was going to reproduce it here but I can’t find it and so will have to try to write it again. At any rate, I think that small snippets like these are so important to share. I know I went looking a while back and had a hard time finding them. People like me do not find it sufficient to hear that this parenting thing is “worth it.” People like me like to do the research and make that decision for themselves. And while parents love to share that great poop explosion story, I think such “shiny pennies” need to be chronicled as well, as proof, (anecdotal of course) that the good far outweighs the shit, when it happens. So here it is:
The other day my husband came home a little early, so we took advantage of the warm weather and yellow sun to take a neighborhood walk before dinner. I plopped my son face-out in the sling and the three of us walked, hand in hand, noticing to each other a soaring hawk, some wild violets, a new neighbor and his dog. Toward the end my baby grew a little fussy so I changed him over to the hip position to make him more comfortable. Tired, he held me close and rested his head on my chest, bouncing rhythmically, lulled by the sound of his two parents tell the news of the day. “He’s holding onto you,” my huz said. “I know,” I said. And back we walked to our home, to put our son to bed, to talk and make dinner for each other.
Such moments are what I hoped for when over a year and a half ago (that long?!) I asked my husband, “How about now?”
admin March 24th, 2009
Things that are on my mind, in no particular order:
1. Teething. Sucks. Ass. I would be perfectly happy if my son gummed food for the rest of his life. How do people who work deal with the crying all night no sleeping god I wish I could just run away but my baby hurts and that makes it even worse please just sleep child nights?
2. There needs to be a grocery service for (new?) moms. I would totally join. I can handle everything else, but grocery shopping just doesn’t get done. And then I end up eating candy and beer. And not much else.
3. Michelle Obama is planting a veggie garden on the south lawn. I think that this is awesome.
4. Seriously, people. If you would just hire me, you’d see how great I am. Really. And then I could make money. And get my hair done. WAAAY overdue.
5. I just got done looking through old videos. Did I seriously think my kid was cute then? Because he is way better looking now. But not me. I pretty much look like the Wicked Witch of the West. I’m hoping its just the hair. See #4.
6. My body though, is hot. Thank you, breastfeeding.
7. I would like to solve a difficult and consuming problem leading to a sense of real intellectual fulfillment sometime soon. See also #4.
8. I do not think that babies follow the Laws of Thermodynamics. Well, not all the laws, anyway. They certainly fulfill the entropy requirement, but only in another universe can 2 jars of babyfood create 5 lbs of poop. Matter is not created or destroyed, my ass.
Maybe I’ll actually post something worthwhile soon. For now, internets, that is all.
admin March 19th, 2009
I look at your face and wonder
How will you look in 5 years
And how will you look at me?
I am in there, somewhere, but
Will you ever see it?
Are these games we play
The best for you?
Are there other kids, far away
Or down the street, learning more
Learning faster,
Their moms doing the right things
At the right time?
You are so small yet, you break me already.
You strain around me to find something
A bit more appealing.
You stroke my finger in your sleep.
How much is us and what is you only?
You stroke my finger in your sleep.
admin March 19th, 2009
I recently responded to a friend’s post saying that she was mulling over the stem cell issue that has been in the news recently. The topic is far too complex to examine in a simple comment, however, so I decided to expand on it a little in a separate space.
Let me start with the disclaimers: I am a scientist but have never worked with cells. I don’t have a strong opinion on the morality of this and am just putting down what I know. I am not an expert and don’t pretend to be. This is a very complex issue. Some points may be incorrect - if you are an expert feel free to correct me or point me to a reputable source. I don’t mean to start any kind of argument, get into heated discussions, or otherwise alienate myself or anyone else due to posting on this sensitive subject.
In light of the Obama administration changing W’s ruling on stem cells, there has been some discussion about the issue. I think that’s great. Here’s my take:
Stem cell research has enormous potential for the treatment and prevention of incredibly debilitating, life altering, and life threatening diseases for which we currently have very few treatments. Two of these off the top of my head are Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. Though these diseases commonly afflict older people, this research will potentially also do much to treat diseased children and young people. Millions of fully formed humans are suffering and this research could put this suffering to an end. Right now it is our best shot. This is why there is such a push to do this work.
A stem cell is a cell that has not yet been “told” what kind of cell it is. It could be a bone cell or a muscle cell or a red blood cell. A stem cell has not yet been programmed and this makes it very flexible, and it allows us to study how these things work, and to create treatments.
Under his administration, GW enacted a law stating that the federal government would not fund work with embryonic stem cells created after a certain date. All cells created before this date were fair game, but none of those created afterward. States like CA passed legislation to allow this work to continue there, funded by the state, and private companies could do what they pleased, but federal funds were held back. Obama is working to undo these restrictions and open up the research again. Georgia, by the way, is working to limit such work within the state.
I wrote back to my friend pondering the issue, that fortunately for all, scientists have recently come up with ways to force most any kind of human cell back into the stem cell state, eliminating much of the moral and ethical concerns of embryonic stem cells. And yes, this was in large part to W’s legislation. Why then, would anyone want to start up embryonic stem cell research again?
Scientists are more comfortable with what they know. Using what you know reduces variables and strengthens the results of experiments. What they know are embryonic stem cells. It is likely much quicker, cheaper, and easier to work with these cells. Other cells may have different characteristics that they haven’t yet identified. Money spent on teasing a skin cell to be a stem cell could be spent on something else - say getting the technology to the market. The same goes with the time issue. There may be some other key reasons that I am missing as well. Maybe these other cells don’t work as well, all the time, etc.
Why then can they not just use the ones created before W’s arbitrary date? It seems that in order to do the best research one needs stem cells with different genetic material, and limiting the cells to such a finite pool in some cases limits the research. I’m a little fuzzy on this one, but this is what I gather.
My friend’s actual question was “then why would anyone destroy life…” which opens up the question of what these cells really are, and where they come from.
Some people believe that these embryonic stem cells represent human life. Some people see them (morally) just the same as some cells you might scrape off of your skin or the inside of your mouth. I’m not going to argue with that, but let’s think about what happens to these cells when they are not used for research (research with the goal of saving numerous human lives let’s remember). These cells most often come from IVF clinics. These clinics create and discard numerous “waste” cells in the hopes of getting a very small percentage to be viable enough to make a baby. The fate of the other cells is one of three: disposed of as bio-waste, frozen indefinitely, or research. What to do with these cells really is a problem, and many see important research is the answer. Perhaps destroying or freezing (forever?) is better, I don’t know, but the fact remains that these cells are being created whether or not they are used and something has to be done with them.
(I am not going to judge IVF treatments, but it has always puzzled me how you can be in full support of IVF and against embryonic stem cell research when it is the IVF creating the cells to be destroyed in the first place. )
These new technologies (creating stem cells from adult human cells) also shine a new light on the moral and ethical value of embryonic stem cells in general. If an adult muscle or kidney or blood cell can look and act and *be* exactly the same as an embryonic stem cell, then are these as special as we thought? Are all cells then just as much a potential human life?
Complex. I told you.
The reason why Obama is opening up this research again is that whether or not you agree with it, federally funding embryonic stem cell research is, right now, the most direct route to treating and preventing diseases that (fully formed human) people have and are dying from every day. Maybe this is morally wrong. I don’t know and am not going to weigh in on that, but this fact remains.
Please don’t flame me.
admin March 18th, 2009
In my normal life I try to keep an open mind, not judge, and live with a “to each his own” philosophy. Such an attitude, however, is cultivated, and not my true nature. Since I am anon here, I think I will vent a little about those things that really are just wrong.
1. Saving the placenta. I just found out today that one of the girls in my playgroup has the placenta from the birth of her child tucked away in the freezer. As in, it almost got made into hamburgers the other night. Now that is just nasty. I’m sorry. Gross.
2. Breast feeding grown children. I am all about breastfeeding, but please, if a kid can walk up to you and ask for it, you’ve gone too far. That child is no longer a baby. Part of your job as a parent is helping that child to become independent and grow into their role as a young person. Pull them off your boob and teach them how to make a sandwich. (Thanks, MetroDad for this one)
3. Naming a child “Bubba.” Really. Do you really want to limit your child’s career choices to stunt rider, truck salesman, or prisoner? I didn’t think so.
4. Naming a child any of those other horrible names. You know the ones I mean. Airplane, Version 2.0, Stuffbutt, Wayway, and Dick Johnson, I feel your pain. This one’s for you.
5. Sending out Christmas letters written “in the voice of” your dog. I have dogs. I love them dearly. They are part of the family. My husband has standing orders to shoot me in the foot if I ever suggest sending out one of these gag inducing letters. They are not adorable people; they just make you seem lame.
Feel free to add your own list of things that you try to understand, but never really do.
admin March 8th, 2009
Inspired in part by the frank talk on this issue over at Motherhood Uncensored, I am writing today about something that it seems even the most open and honest mothers don’t talk about: Post Partum Sex. I don’t know why we don’t talk about it, but we don’t. And we should.
Case in point: me. I am not a modest person. I don’t care who knows about what surgery or procedure I have or haven’t had done. I heard and told others all about the myriad of scary and disgusting things that could or would happen to my body during pregnancy and birth. I love talking about boobs. My son’s poop schedule is definitely fair game. And before having a kid, sex, and even more intimately, the sex I was having, was not an infrequent topic. But for some reason sex after kids just seems taboo. Maybe for me it was because there was an issue where there never was one before, and it was well, embarrassing, and worrying and just so personal. But mothers need to know these things and hidden as I am in my anonymity, I think its time for me to share.
At one point I was worried that I would never enjoy sex with my husband again. This terrified me. It was awful. And by the way, now it is better than ever – if that’s possible. Come along for the ride.
My son’s birth was necessarily quick, but not hugely traumatic. I was glad for the epidural when stitched up, told I had first to second degree tears, and that I could resume sex again after the traditional 6 weeks. Being young and therefore resilient, I healed fairly quickly and looked forward with my husband to that important date. At around 4-5 weeks we tested the waters, but some pain convinced us that we should wait until my check-up to avoid any re-injury. We were right on track. We were playing by the rules. We were going to win. Yay.
I went in for my checkup and was told that I had “perfect vagina.” I have to admit that the declaration did quite a bit to stoke my ego. How many other people are told that their junk is perfect, by someone well qualified to know? Apparently I had healed so well that my OBGYN mistakenly thought that there hadn’t been any tearing at all during the birth. If crowns were awarded to vaginas, I’m sure mine would have gotten one. A big sparkly golden 1st place one. And so I took my “perfect” vagina home.
But something was wrong. Sex hurt. No, that’s not accurate, because sex didn’t happen. Any entry hurt. A lot. It was horrible. It was like re-virgination – but worse. Some looking around online told me that I perhaps did have a little scarring, and that this was causing some entry pain. We waited two weeks, and it didn’t improve. So we waited another week. Still pain. At around three months post partum I was prepared to call my OBGYN for an appointment. Sex, I had decided, was an important part of my life and relationship and I was not about to give it up. I wanted good sex back. I needed it. Finally we decided to wait another few weeks, and try some tips I found, if only to convince my OB that this was serious.
And about that time things started getting better. There was still some pain, but it slowly slowly lessened. Lube helped. Regaining my period at around 6 months helped. My son is now 8 months old, and things are much better. I still need my husband to ease into it a little at the beginning, but I actually enjoy the experience on the whole more than before. I’m tighter, and better than ever. I’d always heard that having a baby stretched a woman out. I asked my husband before the birth whether he’d mind being the “hotdog in the hallway.” I’d never heard of the opposite happening, but it did for me. And it might for you. Maybe some people can resume pansy gentle no orgasm sex in six weeks. In my experience, real sex takes longer, even if you do happen to be perfect.
And that’s my story. Happy humping, all you new mothers.
admin February 19th, 2009
I had always planned to have kids after tenure. It seemed like the ideal plan. I would have plenty of time to cement my career, I would be in good financial shape, and I would be ready to stay in one place for a while. Perfect. That was until I actually counted out the years it would take to make that plan happen. I figured out that if everything went swimmingly, this plan would have me start trying for a baby at 35. 35. The age of the beginning of high risk. A little more research told me that women as young as their upper 20s were starting to have trouble conceiving. This came as a shock. My god, I thought to myself, there is no way that I can wait that long. So, what am I going to do? When should I do this? When is the perfect time?
My research told me that there was no perfect time. Super. Well then, I thought, how about now?
So I went online to try to find stories of other women who had kids in their late 20s, before their careers were cemented, before they had everything completely under control, before they were completely sure that they were ready to settle down. And what I found was horrible. I found statistics on how doing so would almost certainly negatively affect my career. I found stories about how kids had ruined marriages. And most frightening, I found stories, dozens of stories, about how difficult, time consuming, draining, mind-numbing, exhausting, intimacy-killing, and completely unlike the fantasy of being a mother can be. And though I looked, it was very difficult to find out why these woman had kids, often multiple kids, in the first place. Aren’t kids, on some level, supposed to be a good thing?
My research was incredibly depressing. Of course, these are important stories to tell. It would be horrible to begin motherhood only to be sorely disappointed. Women need to hear these stories. Mothers need to tell them. But what people seem to forget or neglect to tell is just how wonderful it is, too.
Sure, I don’t have job right now, but I am working on that. I see great things on the horizon, and for the time being, I am having a blast being a mom. I’ve always been an overgrown kid, so I love that my son gives me an excuse to spend most of my time just playing. I can’t tell you how fun it is to show him things that I have seen over and over again, but for him it is the very first time. OH MY GOD THE SWIFFER – HOW AWESOME! or, THE DOOR, IT OPENS!! AND CLOSES!! SHIT YEAH!! Or DOOOGS I LOVE DOOOOGSS. I’m paraphrasing here.
Another thing is that unlike my last job, every day is different and self-directed. Every day my son is different. Every day there is something new to show him. And there is no one around to tell that it really isn’t what I should be doing.
I loved being pregnant. Seriously. I have never felt sexier or more womanly. And knowing that my body was creating a little person? Just incredible.
Breast feeding for me has been awesome, and not just in that hippie, I am sooo doing what is best for my son, way. It is convenient, it gives me big boobs, and thanks to the calorie output, I am in better shape weight wise than I have probably been in a decade. Diaper changes are not nearly as bad as people will tell you. It’s poop. It happens. Get over it. Plus, when the diaper is off, you can have fun kissing your little tot all over, or letting him get in a little unencumbered (and seriously cute) naked time on the floor. Though I would love a full night’s sleep without interruption, that hasn’t affected me nearly as badly as I thought it would, since really I am only getting up twice a night or so, and am able to sleep in as late as he does. And you want to know a secret? Though many babies are worse than mine when it comes to sleep, many babies are far better as well. Booya.
Because I’m a younger mom, I have more energy to devote to motherhood. I have more time to pursue other things in the years ahead. I have more young friends without kids willing to baby-sit. My pregnancy was easier, and the birth less complicated. Though I’m not employed, I now have a perfectly legitimate reason for my time away. If I decide to have a second child, I will have more time that I feel I can wait to make that decision. I don’t have to worry as much about my ticking clock. I will be younger when my baby moves out of the house. Young enough, my husband and I agree, to do so many things that we will still want to do.
When you’re a mom and you’re in trouble, nothing is more important than letting people know, and having others rally around to support you. I should know. I’ve done it. But for those girls desperately searching somewhere, anywhere, for a few reasons why having a kid might not be so bad, might be fun, might just be something she would like to do, I think we need to write just a little bit more about how incredible the experience is too.
admin February 11th, 2009
Today, I would like to bring your attention to a well written and very true op-ed from the New York Times.
“It’s almost like a small business — each faculty member is essentially running an enterprise for which he or she must find revenue (grants), manage finances, balance the books and pay expenses like salaries, tuition, rent and even taxes to the university for the space used.
Such a system does not come without its own perils. It is not so easy to ask our young scientists to think out of the box when a significant portion of their salary (and mortgage payments) depends on guaranteeing a steady source of funding. Consequently, professors become highly attuned to the institutional priorities of various funding agencies — often at a cost to their own creativity and desired research direction”