Purely Anecdotal

admin May 12th, 2009

Do you read PhD Comics? Because you should. And not because they are a hilarious daily procrastination, though they are, but because they are just SO TRUE. I think that I will direct any young naïve little thing asking me about grad school there with strict instructions to read, beginning to end. Then if they still have the courage to proceed, THEN I will write a recommendation.

http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=360

Also, I was bopping around the internet today and found THIS! Signed my little self up and everything.

http://www.scientificblogging.com/

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admin May 10th, 2009

Today was my first Mother’s Day as a mother. Today my husband rose early to make me breakfast (eggs, strawberry pancakes, biscuits, bacon, coffee, OJ) while also entertaining my 10 month old son sufficiently that he made no protestation loud enough to solicit me from bed. Today I slept in, and I ate well.

Today, after sitting out the morning nap on the couch, I went hiking with my family of three. My son’s first hike was a steep mile long trek to the top of a mountain with a commanding view. Carried in a pack by my husband he made little noise, mesmerized by the new sights and sounds, the people with their dogs and children of all ages, older couples, younger couples, people for whom, like us, mother’s day meant a day outside. At the summit (if such a short “mountain” can have a summit) we looked out over the expanse of city we left behind. The city is always more beautiful from a distance.

I have contemplated upon occasion what animal I would choose to become were I to be banished from the species of human. I have considered puma and bear, horse and antelope. But what I would most like to become, I think, is a falcon. I would like to soar in the wind, circling, diving, eyes sharp as a telephoto lens. It must be exhilarating for a young chick to grow into the realization that she is a falcon. It must be incredible to realize that you can soar. Such gorgeous creatures. Such eloquent engineering. I have seen them fly above me and wondered how differently my world must look to a bird of prey.

Today just as we were thinking of beginning our decent we looked out toward the city spires for one last moment, and there it was, hanging. Just hanging in the sky so still that at first I absurdly thought it a kite. But then my mind saw it for what it was - falcon. She was riding the wind so perfectly, her movements so balanced, that she appeared to hang in the sky, weightless, more ghost than animal. I watched her several minutes as she floated. And then in a movement so swift and confident that I could not help but to let out a collective gasp, she folded her wings and dove. Down, down she dove with incredible speed before again unfolding her wings in the wind to ride the currents. It was truly incredible. I make an effort to consciously file wonderful moments away for times of loss or unhappiness or old age. The idea is that by doing this I might hold onto the memory for a little longer. I hope to keep this one for a long time.

Today was my first Mother’s Day. And though I hate hate hate to admit it, my mother was right. I did not understand her until I became a mother myself. Until I saw this baby boy of mine who smells of bath soap and baby hair, who smiles toothy grins and clings to me and adores me, and thought to the future when he will want his space, when I will be old and weak and embarrassing, until now, I did not know how vulnerable this job would make me. I did not understand how those times I fought to distance myself from her, she was remembering that sweet baby. The one who smelled of bath soap and baby hair. The one smiled toothy grins, who clung to her and adored her.

I will guard myself against the future with days like this, perfect days, days of incredible joy and beauty. I will show these things to my son. I will take him on more hikes. And maybe, just maybe, even when I’m weak and old and embarrassing, he will remember days like this, and he will need to pull away just a little less. Maybe he too will have held on a little to that sweet baby.

Today I took my baby on his first hike. I took him up a mountain to see the city. When I held out my hand he laughed, and grabbed for my finger. Today was my first Mother’s Day.

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admin May 8th, 2009

Me: So what do you want for Father’s Day? This is a really big deal, you know, being your first Father’s Day. I’ve got to come up with something good. Something memorable, that you would really enjoy. Any idea what you would like?
Huz: Ummm, sex.
Me: What? Seriously? That’s all you want.
Huz: Yup, us men are easy to please.

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admin May 7th, 2009

The weather is gorgeous. My baby is happy and healthy. I have a wonderful husband. We have several fun trips planned, and our money situation at least right now is getting better.

I feel lost.

It is coming up on 10 months that I haven’t had a job. And this is really bothering me. I have never NOT had something waiting for me, something to strive for, something concrete when asked my plans. Even in grad school when I hated the work, I had a plan. Why can’t I find something? Do I need professional resume help? Do I need to spend more time looking? How do I do that when I have this baby I need to look after? Do I need to narrow my search? Quit trying to write and just do what I was trained to do? Should I suck it up and sell our house, make my husband quit his job, and move my family to whatever institution will give me a post-doc? God, is it that I am just NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

I feel like there is a train nearby on its way to my ideal life. I can hear this train. I know it is near, but I search and search and just can’t find it. And I know that eventually the train will pass by, and I may never get to that perfect place. Ever. No matter how hard I work, or how badly I want it.

I am forgetting what I learned. I am becoming obsolete.

I can imagine dozens of idyllic paths. I feel paralyzed, knowing that each one necessarily negates the other, and (reality check) right now, I am not on any of them.

One of the things that really bothered me about graduate work was the lack of feedback. Whereas in school, virtually every effort is graded, I felt adrift as a graduate assistant. Was what I was doing right? Could I be doing better? Were the other students better at this than me? Should I be working harder? Where was my A? During the first 2 years or so I drifted slowly slowly into a depression. I sat for hours in front of my computer, listlessly reading, searching for something that would make me feel better. The internet, I must say, never delivered. One day, I sat in my car in front of my house and fantasized about launching myself into the nearby ditch. Fortunately, soon after this incident my advisor and I had a heart to heart and I started to do better.

And now, I have less. Even less. No one knows what I do all day. No one is here to celebrate my accomplishments. There is nothing to add to my resume.

And I am starting to feel that corrosive pull. Those doubts. Those cagey thoughts. Maybe I will never find a job. Maybe I will never get to do what I want. Maybe I should have waited to get pregnant. Maybe I have made a REALLY BIG MISTAKE.

The danger is that it is so subtle, so gradual. It takes time to really lose oneself. I feel the first tiny currents. I know this feeling. What do I do?

• Who Am I? , Reproduction , PhD jobs , Deep Thoughts
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admin April 30th, 2009

I found this Op Ed from the New York Times relevant and thought provoking. In general I agree and wish I had read something like this before launching myself into graduate school years ago. I am curious as to what others think

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/27/opinion/27taylor.html?em

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admin April 24th, 2009

For some time now I’ve wanted to write a few posts for non-scientific parents with curious kids. You know, good, kid friendly answers to common science-y kid questions like,

Why is my shadow/the moon/that large building following me?
Why is the grass/sky/dirt green/blue/black?
What is a bruise?
What causes the tides?
How does electricity get to our house?
Can you really dig a hole to China?
Why does cinnamon feel hot on my tongue?
How many stars are in the sky?

Etc. etc. etc.

I’d like to present this information in a way kids can understand, but not dumbed down so much that the answer is essentially wrong (as a surprising number of textbooks did when I was young). Additionally, I will include some extra information for the parent, so that the answers can get a little more sophisticated for older children. These should be coming in the next few weeks. I can’t wait.

I also want to start some interesting random experiments and chronicle the process and results here. I was amazed the other day how many people really do not understand that the scientific process can be applied to most any question – not just things like space travel and lasers. (Though really, who doesn’t love a good laser?)

For my first experiment I think I will do a little test on my husband. I’d lay out the groundwork here, but he actually reads this thing from time to time and if the experiment is to work, the subject can’t have prior knowledge.

Is that you honey? Hi there! Feeling OK? Good.

If you have any suggestions, please pass them along.

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admin April 23rd, 2009

I love Dooce. (Does that make me, like, a follower? Well, I never sat at the coolest table anyway. And by the way, people, I started the whole gin and tonic fad. I was totally drinking them WAY before they become newly popular. Just saying.)

and

I am selfishly hoping that her experiences having a second child will help me figure out my own future second-child dilemma. Is that bad? Or is that what this blogging thing is all about?

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admin April 15th, 2009

I am always suspicious of those who don’t read books. Just like people who don’t like dogs and prefer dreary weather, I know that there is just not something right with people who don’t read. I don’t care if you like sci-fi, biographies, murder novels, tomes of poetry, porn anthologies, whatever. A refusal to read is a refusal to learn, to imagine, to improve, play, explore, and be amazed. And if you don’t want to do these things, I just don’t understand you, never will, and that is how it is. Goodbye.

So unsurprisingly I have little sympathy when mothers who skipped (metaphorically) along in happy ignorance during their pregnancy are suddenly at a loss for how to handle this new monster/baby. Perhaps if you had done a little preparation, you might have some idea of what is going on. Now I know that reading all the books in the world will not fully prepare someone for mother (or father!) hood. But people, did you really think that God would just reach into your head and massage knowledge on all needed topics into your brain? If so, please go get into your car, drive to Costco, and buy their 500 pack of condoms because you, do not need to be procreating.

Seriously. I have some friends – smart, funny, great people – who seem to subscribe to the massaged brain brand of parenting and they have no idea why their kid is doesn’t sleep, eats crap, and does whatever she pleases. Well, perhaps, I’d like to say, because you suck at parenting but you don’t know that because you don’t read. I may be a little judgmental.

Of course you can’t just buy ALL the books. Some are better than others. Some have misinformation, or are badly in need of a better editor, or just say what you already know and thank you very much for that $20. So I thought I’d write down my list of absolute you-really-should-have-these-if-you-want-to-be sane-and-be-a-good-parent-really-you-need-to-buy-these” books.

For the first year or so (which is all I am qualified to recommend) you will need to know:

1. How to get that damned baby to shut up and go to sleep (soothing)
2. What is to be expected in terms of sleep, feeding, bathing, daily routines, etc. and how to accomplish these (basic needs)
3. Why is she looking at me like that - I think she’s plotting to kill me and squish my dead guts around in her fingers. (brain development)
4. When do I need to start baby proofing again? (general guide for milestones, etc.)
5. And possibly - I thought this breastfeeding thing was supposed to be “natural”!?. (Breastfeeding)

(Parenting and discipline stuff I’m just beginning to explore, since this comes much later.)

Here is what I recommend:

1. The Happiest Baby on the Block:

Ohmygod. I love this book. It made me much less scared during pregnancy, and more confident once the baby arrived. It made sense, it wasn’t preachy, it gave options, it KEPT MY BABY HAPPY. And best of all I knew how to get my baby to QUIT CRYING and GO TO SLEEP. It allowed me to put him on a good sleep schedule right away. It’s parenting crack. All during my pregnancy my husband and I would joke about the 5 Ss (shoot, stab, smother, shake…) but seriously, they work.

But this book is only good for 3-4 months or so. And if your baby DOES develop a sleep problem, there’s little help there. I’m eyeing The No Cry Sleep Solution just to make sure that there is nothing that I should be doing for the future, yet am not, but I haven’t read it yet. A book that I DID read after a friend sent it to me was Heathy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, and while the title is true the book was not at all helpful. In fact, this book FREAKED ME OUT and normalcy (and happiness) only returned once that book had been closed and forgotten. It made me mess with what was already a perfectly good nap and sleep schedule for fear that if I did not, my son would be come an axe murderer with ADHD. It is also in dire need of a good editor. (“Wait, am I supposed to be doing this now, or three months ago or five months from now?”) I am sure that if you have allowed your child to progress without any kind of sleep schedule, the warnings and methods in here could help you out, but they need to be presented more methodically.

2. The Moms On Call Guide to Basic Baby Care

I found this book to be a pretty useful guide. The DVD it came with showing things like how to give the baby a bath was also useful, though not as much as it could have been since I was given a similar (better) DVD by my hospital. I completely don’t agree with their suggestions to get your baby to sleep through the night starting at 2 weeks. I’m sorry. 2 weeks is just too young. I should also mention that I checked out their website recently and was surprised to find that their recommended products are the same ones that I have settled on as those I like best – with no prompting whatsoever.

3. Wonder Weeks

Ok, Ok, I don’t actually own this book. But man I wish I did. All the moms in my playgroup talk about it and how wonderful it is. I have found some info online but I really wish I had the full volume. If I have another kid I will buy this one for sure. It helps you predict periods of general fussiness and happiness in your baby, corresponding to how her brain is developing. It also clues you in to what her actions mean in terms of her increasing awareness. It’s awesome. Really.

4. AAP Caring for Your Baby and Young Child – Birth to Age 5

This book is full of useful information and is organized according to age. I don’t know if this is the absolute best one of these, but I like that it is written according to AAP guidelines.

5. The Nursing Mother’s Companion
This book is a thorough and easy to read guide to breastfeeding. I would hazard to say that it is probably the best out there. I had VERY little problem with nursing and still greatly appreciated having this book as a reference.

Those are my 5 books. I think that every mother needs to know this information. Some of them may be interchangeable with other titles out there – all except for Happiest Baby – a truly worthwhile purchase. And they have no idea who I am, honest.

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admin March 25th, 2009

Rebecca over at Girls Gone Child asked recently for readers to share a little something positive, a moment, a good deed, a “shiny penny” lying on the sidewalk. What a wonderful post. Though the comments are interesting, I find that few can best her writing. She is funny, timely, and honest, without whining or making you want to puke. What more can you ask?

I had thought that I left this comment over there, and was going to reproduce it here but I can’t find it and so will have to try to write it again. At any rate, I think that small snippets like these are so important to share. I know I went looking a while back and had a hard time finding them. People like me do not find it sufficient to hear that this parenting thing is “worth it.” People like me like to do the research and make that decision for themselves. And while parents love to share that great poop explosion story, I think such “shiny pennies” need to be chronicled as well, as proof, (anecdotal of course) that the good far outweighs the shit, when it happens. So here it is:

The other day my husband came home a little early, so we took advantage of the warm weather and yellow sun to take a neighborhood walk before dinner. I plopped my son face-out in the sling and the three of us walked, hand in hand, noticing to each other a soaring hawk, some wild violets, a new neighbor and his dog. Toward the end my baby grew a little fussy so I changed him over to the hip position to make him more comfortable. Tired, he held me close and rested his head on my chest, bouncing rhythmically, lulled by the sound of his two parents tell the news of the day. “He’s holding onto you,” my huz said. “I know,” I said. And back we walked to our home, to put our son to bed, to talk and make dinner for each other.

Such moments are what I hoped for when over a year and a half ago (that long?!) I asked my husband, “How about now?”

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admin March 24th, 2009

Things that are on my mind, in no particular order:

1. Teething. Sucks. Ass. I would be perfectly happy if my son gummed food for the rest of his life. How do people who work deal with the crying all night no sleeping god I wish I could just run away but my baby hurts and that makes it even worse please just sleep child nights?

2. There needs to be a grocery service for (new?) moms. I would totally join. I can handle everything else, but grocery shopping just doesn’t get done. And then I end up eating candy and beer. And not much else.

3. Michelle Obama is planting a veggie garden on the south lawn. I think that this is awesome.

4. Seriously, people. If you would just hire me, you’d see how great I am. Really. And then I could make money. And get my hair done. WAAAY overdue.

5. I just got done looking through old videos. Did I seriously think my kid was cute then? Because he is way better looking now. But not me. I pretty much look like the Wicked Witch of the West. I’m hoping its just the hair. See #4.

6. My body though, is hot. Thank you, breastfeeding.

7. I would like to solve a difficult and consuming problem leading to a sense of real intellectual fulfillment sometime soon. See also #4.

8. I do not think that babies follow the Laws of Thermodynamics. Well, not all the laws, anyway. They certainly fulfill the entropy requirement, but only in another universe can 2 jars of babyfood create 5 lbs of poop. Matter is not created or destroyed, my ass.

Maybe I’ll actually post something worthwhile soon. For now, internets, that is all.

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