Archive for the 'Who Am I?' Category

I am reading you.

admin September 30th, 2008

I need to update my blog roll. Some links I know don’t work so well any more, and I have discovered some great blogs that i read regularly, yet aren’t up.

At any rate, if you popped over here looking for a good read, let me recommend the bean-mom, a molecular biologist PhD who just got a cool new science writing job (http://beangirls.blogspot.com) and ScienceMama (http://motherofallscientists.blogspot.com) a biologist Mom who sure could use some cheering up at the moment. There are several more great blogs I’ll link to as soon as I can muster a few good naptime minutes.

Please don’t think that if I didn’t include you I don’t like your blog or don’t read it. Most likely I do, but I really need to get the dishes finished before the huz returns from his walk with the pup and the kid. Incidentally, I am not going because I managed to break my little toe.

Non-science blogs I check almost daily are http://mihow.com/, http://mikeadamick.com/, www.sweet-juniper.com, and of course, dooce. Plenty more where these came from too.

Thank you to all of you who take the time to write and post about the minutiae of your lives, and to read and comment on others who do as well. I get so much wonderful information from your blogs. Just so you know, lovely internet science moms and other bloggers, I am reading you.

Teach a man to fish

admin April 24th, 2008

I have a dear friend who I very much enjoy, though we are in many ways opposites. She always looks put-together. I clean up well but usually spill something on myself in the course of a meal. She is tall and curvy. I am not. She shares the mysterious female psyche, and I like my male friends often have no idea how inputs match the outputs. But she is fun. And we have known each other a long time. And I can be completely myself around her – my goofy, extroverted, say what I am thinking self. And most of the time we really enjoy ourselves.

But she has some issues.

She does not do well with stress. It seems she has a “personal crisis” at least once every couple of months. She’s volatile. Sometimes she will be terribly hurt by some esoteric action or comment, which the offending person has no idea has transpired. She does not do well with criticism and she is the world’s longest holder of grudges.

Also

She has attended over 20 weddings, many as the maid of honor, and now several baby showers. She is the ultimate hostess, but never the guest of honor. She has never had a real boyfriend. She has never had sex. There is nothing she’d rather do than be a stay at home mommy with a loving husband and a couple of kids, but she’s pushing 30 and there is nothing going on in that department. She sees everyone else getting what she most wants, and she’s just not getting it.

So she asks me, “What am I doing wrong?” And the thing is I know what she is doing wrong. I could give her a list that would put her well on her way to having a great time, to finding someone special, to attracting those special people to her. I could actually help my dear friend find what she wants most.

But I don’t do it.

I don’t do it because I know that it would kill our friendship. Even if she ended up following my recipe exactly, all ties would be cut. I would have hurt her so badly, that she would never forgive me. So I keep my mouth shut, and watch, hoping that she’ll find her way in the dark as so many of us have done successfully, watching her bump around a room and never quite finding the door.

And in some ways I believe that this is her responsibility. This is her life, and I am not required to step in and repair it. But what are friends for, if not a helping hand, a voice of reason, a safety net, at new perspective? And I’m the honest friend. The one you go to if you actually do want to know if those pants make your butt look fat, or if you really are not sure about that guy or that job or those people down the street. Who else will help her rescue herself but me? And I don’t do it. I don’t.

Selfish and chickenshit.

Detox

admin April 3rd, 2008

Dear Internet,

I am addicted to you. I would much rather interact with you than write my thesis. But I really need to write my thesis. Therefore, I am asking you to please leave me alone. Let me write my thesis. A good way to do this would be to deliver a light shock every time I tried to access you for non-research work before my daily goals are met. I would really appreciate the help. Thank you.

-me

Lasts

admin March 19th, 2008

We are a people of firsts. First steps, first words, first days at school, first kiss, first car, first love…

Rarely do we recognize lasts.

And not because we don’t care, but because it is so difficult. Only death row inmates recognize their last meal. And “living every day as if it was the last” really is a recipe for disaster. If today was my last day I certainly wouldn’t worry about going to work, paying bills, eating right, making lists, meeting tomorrow’s deadline, laundry, resume prep, cleaning the bathroom, or all those other “planning ahead” things that make our lives run smoothly. I’d be eating pints of ice cream running naked through South Beach and skydiving. Still, sometimes I wish I remembered a few more of my favorite lasts.

I wish someone had told me to remember the last time my father would be able to flip me over his head, or the last time I would dance standing on his feet. I wish I had known that when my best friend moved we’d never really get back together. I still refuse to believe that I have played in plastic balls or collected static from a plastic slide for the last time. (Just you wait Burger King Kid’s playhouse!).But I do wish I had known the last time I would pet my childhood dog before she died. And I always make sure to tell my husband how much I love him before he leaves somewhere without me, just in case. Maybe knowing too many lasts would dampen the happiness in some moments, but sometimes I wish someone had told me at those instants to pay more attention, that just perhaps, I could try to commit this to memory.

This is why the lasts we do recognize are so very important. I truly enjoyed the last class I would ever have to receive a grade in. I can’t say I enjoyed my last final, but I did enjoy it being over. The last meal at the kiddy table was certainly appreciated, as was the last year I had to ask someone older than me for permission to go to the bathroom. My bachelorette party was most likely the first and last time I will ever compete in a wet T-shirt contest, and probably this is a good thing.

I think the idea of getting another chance to participate in some of these “lasts” is part of the reason why people consciously have children. I really hope to be able to at least look on as my son flies weightless in a swing, builds a rocket, catches bugs, sells lemonade, eats sand, and enjoys his grandparents. I will of course celebrate the firsts, but I hope I can also help him enjoy some of his lasts. Maybe I will tell him to pay attention, to commit the moments to memory, but most likely even if I knew a moment was a last, and even if I told him, he wouldn’t listen to me. Time is so infinite for children.

In the same spirit, I am really looking forward to my graduation ceremony coming up (hopefully) in a few months. Graduations are some of the few times we really get to sit up and acknowledge the end of something important. Graduation marks a last of achievement, not just growing up or growing old. This will most likely be my very last time to don a silly hat and cape, walk across a stage, and publicly acknowledge a job well done. I can understand those who would rather not deal with the crowd, the waiting, the thousands of other names called out monotonously just like theirs. But this, I think, will be it. And just in case, I don’t want to miss it.

Graduation, though, is never only about finishing, it is about starting something new. I hope to be able to walk across that stage wearing not only my cape, hat, and hood, but my baby as well – a last and a first simultaneously.

Randomlings

admin March 14th, 2008

- I love that my husband still thinks that pregnant me is hot
- This peeing all the time thing is really annoying
- When do I have to start thinking before saying certain things to my husband as I get ready in the morning?
- Does anyone have anything better than shea butter for stretch mark prevention?
- I love that my dog groans out loud when I rub him
- I completely do not get the bumper sticker “Save a cow, eat a vegetarian.”

Fear of Failure

admin March 11th, 2008

I am slowly working on preparing my resume and sending out a few feelers so that I have good contacts when it comes time for me to find a new job. While as I have noted before I am pursuing science writing and would love to freelance, my lack of journalistic experience is realistically a big disadvantage. So, I am working on networking to secure a few good mentors, and even perhaps a position for a year or two in which I can learn inside information about how the reporting and publishing processes work.

Due to all of this career preparation, I have been thinking about common interview questions, and specifically what is to me perhaps the most difficult question of them all.

What are your weaknesses?

No one likes to talk about their weaknesses, especially in an interview when you are supposed to be selling yourself as enthusiastic, confident, and knowledgeable. But you cannot tell an interviewer that you have no weaknesses, so what do you do? A counselor one time advised my entire student body to say that we sometimes procrastinate. Everyone procrastinates, she says, so it’s an easy out. I’m not quite sure that I agree. First of all, since almost everyone procrastinates, an interviewer may think if you bring it up that you procrastinate more than normal, which can be a huge problem if deadlines are an issue. Secondly, what if you don’t often procrastinate? This could be a strength, which certainly you cannot reveal if you reserve it as an easy weakness. This question is so tricky to me. I still don’t know if I have found the best answer.

If I was being entirely honest – and I’m not sure I could do this in an interview – I would have to say that a big weakness of mine is fear of failure. This fear can be at times annoying, and at others a real obstacle to my work. I really do not like to do things badly, and that can prevent me from doing things that I should be doing.

For example, there was some equipment in my building that I needed to use. This is rather complicated and expensive equipment. I have been trained to use it, so theoretically I should be able to operate it, but the thing is that I don’t use it often enough not to forget the finer points. For the last few weeks I have really needed to use this equipment, but I found myself putting it off. And off. And off. It was knowing that I should be able to use it but couldn’t that prevented me from doing some very important work. Finally last week I just spent a day troubleshooting and asking questions and re-learning how to use it. Now all is fine, it doesn’t seem so difficult, and I will be able to do this important work. But why didn’t I do this sooner?

Fear of Failure

Another example is sports. I’m a pretty athletic gal. I have trained and completed several competitive runs and one sprint triathlon, and I can’t wait to get back on the training circuit once this baby is born. I am good at these things. I enjoy them. But I do not participate in group sports. One time looking silly and doing badly as part of a TEAM where people are WATCHING is enough humiliation to keep me away from a sport forever. In school I did participate in a group sport, but I practiced and took lessons and worked every day to help ensure I did not fail at this sport. Still, on the days I did poorly, fun was the last thing I was thinking. Today, I refuse to play this sport unless I can get back to the level of skill I had achieved in school, which I know would take substantial time and financial capital. I am just not willing to do this. So I don’t play.

I honestly cannot understand people who enjoy just going out and doing something and not performing well. The only thing I can attribute this to is my fear of failure. I don’t fear failing at new things, but things that I think I should be able to do, I MUST do well.

Am I a complete nut?

Probe your subconscious

admin January 23rd, 2008

These tests claim to probe your automatic tendencies. I find this very interesting. Although one of the great things about human intelligence is that it allows us to overcome such tendencies, it is still instructive to know that they exist.

https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/demo/

Look that cute piggy porkchop in the eye

admin January 18th, 2008

It is my firm belief that if every piece of meat came with a picture of the animal, or the facility, it came from, if people actually listened to the information about how terrible the practices in the meat industry are, if people knew how smart pigs are, or how sweet cows are, or how much chickens suffer, our consumption would dramatically decrease. If you can not look that animal in the eye, and then kill it, you shouldn’t be eating it just because someone else made it easier. I am so glad that some people with good publicity are doing just that. If you can’t take it, don’t eat the meat. And really, who is really human who isn’t disturbed by something like this?

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/16/dining/16anim.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin

(Thank you to Michelle at http://mihow.com)

A few months in review

admin January 11th, 2008

So I haven’t posted in a long while. Its funny how that makes me feel guilty even though no one knows who I am, and my readership pretty much consists of my husband who knows everything that is going on with me anyway. But just in case someone wants to read this later, or finds this website helpful or instructive, I feel compelled to post on recent events.

I’m pregnant. And on the whole, I’m very excited. This was something done mostly intentionally, though I really didn’t think it would happen so quickly. To that poor other woman out there for whom it is taking a very long time, I am very sorry. I am that lower outlier screwing with the average.

Why did I do this? I thought and researched and decided that now is the perfect time. I want to be a younger mother. I have friends my age with fertility issues. My husband has a good job and I am looking to start something new. I will have my PhD as backup. I don’t want to wait until the unknown of some most likely even more stressful postdoc. Now is the time.

I am very relieved and very lucky that my advisers are incredibly supportive. This might have something to do with the fact that I will have graduated by the time the baby arrives, but I think perhaps standards for young academic women might just be coming around. They want to see women like me make these decisions and succeed. I could take this sentence back tomorrow, but they both strongly support me reaching the top of whatever career I choose, and me taking a good long time off to have fun with the new baby. I was scared to death to tell them, but it has worked out perfectly. They were both happy about the news, congratulated me, and then talked as normal about my thesis, graduation, and how they could help me after I left.

I still think I want to be a science writer, so this also gives me the perfect “excuse” to take off for several months to give it a go. I just can’t wait. My only worry is that the combination of the newness of the career and the newness of the mother role might make things difficult. Still, enthusiasm is a powerful motivator, and I have never been so excited. I feel like I have put myself into some forced labor camp for the last 5 years and now, finally, I am going to allow myself to do what I really want to do.

The one thing I worried most after getting pregnant was the loss of control. While I’ve been wanting a baby for a while now, once it was confirmed I had the sudden realization that this was something that could not be undone, no matter how much I wanted it. If you really hate your job, you can quit. If you really hate your husband, you can get a divorce. You can move, sell your house, find a new family for your dog (if you HAVE to), throw out your wardrobe, dye your hair, and estrange yourself from friends and family. But you cannot (not ethically, morally, or legally) suddenly decide that you don’t want your child once it is yours. You can’t leave it on a doorstep. You can’t tell the baby you just don’t want it anymore, that this was really a big mistake. And you can’t choose. The baby I have will be the baby I have. You can choose your job, husband, dog, and wardrobe. You get no control over this baby. And that, for me anyway, is terrifying.

What I realized that I was most afraid of was not the child, that little person who I could take on walks and play with and talk to, but the baby. I am afraid of a perpetually screaming, inconsolable, energy sucking, libido killing, nipple biting, red in the faced baby. I was afraid that sleep deprivation coupled with constant screaming would make me hurt myself, my husband, my child, or something else I hold dear. That it would induce a deep depression. I am terrified of depression. I had a good long look at it once, and I will do whatever I can to keep that daemon far away. If you are reading this and having these fears, I heartily recommend “The Happiest Baby on the Block.” It is a book all about soothing your baby in the first three months. Of course I have no actual proof that what is in this book will help me at all once the baby comes, but I believe it will, and that makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER.

So here I am, a rat in the maze. Let’s see how far I go.

And the light emerges

admin October 24th, 2007

Profgrrrl posted this professional fantasy today

“My current fantasy*
• The cleaning fairies show up and make everything spotless.
• The organizational fairies show up and do things like file, punch holes and stick things in binders, clean up the desktop of my computer, enter things in EndNote, etc. etc.
• I don’t have to show up to the office for a month.
• I wake every morning, go for a walk or jog, read at ‘bux for an hour or two with a cup of tea, and then write in my home office all afternoon. I write into the evening, too, because I simply cannot pull myself away from the work that interests me so much.
• I only receive social, informational, and intellectually stimulating emails.
• NO MEETINGS!
• My data analysis software does everything I want it to do, and more.
• I get enough sleep each night.
• I feel brilliant.

*professional/non romance personal version”

And I found myself completely agreeing, though of course I am no prof. I also found myself thinking, “Yep, that’s why I want to be a science writer. Most of this will come true for me.” Of course I am well aware that the grass is always greener etc etc, but really many of these issues are what are pushing me for a career change. I want to be my own boss. I want the ability to choose what I write about and investigate. When one topic begins to bore me, I want to move to something else. I want to be constantly learning. I want to be able to do something else one day if I like. I only want to go to meetings that I want to go to. I want to be able to work from home or a coffee shop if I wish. I want to set my own hours so that I can sleep when I need to.

In other words, I am SO EXCITED about the possibility of a change.

I had a great long talk with one of my advisers yesterday. I just walked into his office and started asking questions. This is one thing that I really value about this adviser. Not once has he told me he was too busy to talk, or tried to hurry it up so that he could go somewhere or do something else. Not that the man isn’t busy. The man works like a horse, but I can always talk to him. He was very honest with me. He told me all the negative things about his career, a career he loves. He told me about how he has seen it change since he started. He told me that of course he wants his students to become professors because he thinks it is a great job, and he would like to have a network of his protégés out there working.

But, he told me, you have to really want it. You have to work to beat out the other people, and you have to make sacrifices. I know this. I have observed it. It was nice, though, to hear it from him. Of course I wouldn’t have to be a professor at a large research university, but I also know that smaller universities come with their own set of problems. And though I don’t dislike teaching, I am not sure that I would want to devote my career to it. I admitted to him my interest in science writing, and he was very encouraging. It was great. Now I have an ally when talking to my other adviser, which should make it much easier. And I also have a little bit more confidence.

All in all, yesterday was a very good day. I think today just might be a good day too.

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