admin February 26th, 2008
It’s a boy! I am so excited.
I can feel him kicking around in there too. It’s similar to The Alien movie, just without all the bursting out, and acid blood and getting eaten. I really don’t understand how some people can not realize they are pregnant. What do they think is bumping around in there? A really big tapeworm? The weirdest gas they’ve ever had?
admin February 7th, 2008
Gender stereotyping starts early, and can have detrimental, long lasting effects.
Studies have shown that gender stereotyping often begins even before the birth of the child. Prior to learning sex, parents describe their unborn children with roughly the same adjectives, but after learning gender, parents of boys are more likely to use words like “vigorous,” “strong,” and “boisterous” whereas female babies are likely described as “sweet,” or “fussy.” Of course these differences last long after the baby is born.
According to an article in Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, Jan, 1999 by C. Estelle Campenni,
“…parents describe their newborns differentially with girls being described with respect to their appearance while boys are portrayed with respect to their physical abilities.”
These trends are repeated over and over in the clothes children are dressed in, how their rooms are decorated, how they are treated, and the toys they are given.
From Avoiding Gender Stereotypes By Kristen Finello on Parents.com
“Go into a department store, for example, and you’ll notice that the girls’ clothing section is three times the size of the boys.” And girls’ clothing is often pink and less conducive to rough and tumble play,” notes Dr. Crowley-Long. The message: Appearance is critical for girls and they should avoid activities that might “mess up” their cute outfit. Boys, too, are affected by gender stereotypes. In fact, it’s more acceptable for a girl to be a “tomboy” than for a boy to show any effeminate qualities…Stereotypes like this can prevent boys from developing softer elements of their personality that can benefit them as human beings.”
And again from Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, Jan, 1999 by C. Estelle Campenni
“Parental toy choices and child-parent interactions with toys send a clear message to children regarding gender-typed behaviors (Caldera, Huston, O’Brien, 1989). Langolis and Downs (1980) have shown that parents play with their child’s gender-same toys longer, react more positively to gender-same toys, and are more critical of cross-sexed toys. These researchers have also shown that fathers use toys, perhaps unintentionally, to socialize their children differently based on sex and there is evidence that this gender-based socialization process begins as early as the first year of the child’s life (Snow, Jacklin, & Maccobby, 1983)….”
“Gender stereotyping of children’s toys may influence the development of gender schematic role identity in children and may play a part in the differences noted in the cognitive and social skills of girls and boys. Miller (1987) has noted that toys viewed as more appropriate for girls were also rated as attractive, creative, nurturing, and manipulable while masculine toys were identified as more competitive, aggressive, constructive, conducive to handling, encouraging sociability, and reality based. Interestingly, these differences in functionality of gender stereotyped toys correspond to differences noted in the stereotyped feminine and masculine behavioral and personality patterns with stereotypical feminine characteristics described as emotional, gentle, understanding, and creative while masculine traits include aggressive, active, dominant, and competitive (Spence & Helmreich, 1978). In support of the influence of these functional differences on children’s cognitive development, research has found that play with masculine toys may be linked with higher visual-spatial ability while play with feminine toys may be related to higher vocabulary ability (Serbin & Connor, 1979; Tracy, 1987).”
From Parental Influence on Children’s Socialization to Gender Roles, Adolescence, Summer, 1997Susan D. Witt, Ph.D, University of Akron, School of Home Economics and Family Ecology
“Parental attitudes towards their children have a strong impact on the child’s developing sense of self and self-esteem, with parental warmth and support being key factors for the child (Richards, Gitelson, Petersen, & Hartig, 1991). Often, parents give subtle messages regarding gender and what is acceptable for each gender - messages that are internalized by the developing child (Arliss, 1991). Sex role stereotypes are well established in early childhood. Messages about what is appropriate based on gender are so strong that even when children are exposed to different attitudes and experiences, they will revert to stereotyped choices (Haslett, Geis, & Carter, 1992).”
The stereotypes put forth by parents are then echoed in media – commercials, ads, children’s programs – and by the strangers and society in which the children interact.
But, you can work against these influences:
“Families with one or more androgynous parent (i.e., a mom who repairs the family car or a dad who bakes cookies for the PTA meeting) have been found to be highest on scores of parental warmth and support. These androgynous parents are found to be highly encouraging regarding achievement and developing a sense of self worth in sons and daughters (Sedney, 1987; Spence & Helmreich, 1980). Because of the strong influence of parents on gender role socialization, those parents who wish to be gender fair and encourage the best in both their sons and their daughters would do well to adopt an androgynous gender role orientation and encourage the same in their children.”
As you can probably guess, I have a huge problem with early assignment of gender stereotypes. I am desperately trying to avoid such labeling with my baby. It is a difficult battle. Grandparents on both sides want to know “what the baby is” so that they can go out and buy appropriate products. I have told them that the baby won’t care and that I like blue and green, but they just cannot bring themselves to purchase such things for a potentially girl baby. And I know that this request has to be easier than trying to get them to accept flowers or pink for any potential grandson.
I really want to know the gender of the baby. To me it is one more little piece of information. The nursery will be blue and green no matter what. I will buy cool gender neutral toys no matter what. But I do like certain traditionally male and female names, and I just want to know my baby that much better. I am very afraid, however, of telling this information to the grandparents in the fear that they will begin the process of stereotyping that I am trying so hard to avoid. I don’t care if strangers know if my baby is a boy or a girl. In fact, I’d rather they didn’t. I don’t like pink and ruffles, so I don’t want the baby dressed in pink and ruffles. If later my child decides that he or she likes pink and ruffles, then that will be fine. I just don’t like the idea of this poor baby’s future being set up before it is even born. Now how do you tell that to your parents? Or worse, your husbands’?
If anyone is reading this, please tell me some good tips on how to avoid gender stereotyping pressures from grandparents. I could really use some advice.
PS
Some tips from Parents.com on how to minimize gender stereotyping in your child
• Worry less about what other people think. Focus more on your child’s individual abilities and needs and fret less about whether he’ll get teased for his choices. For instance, if you son wants to take dance class, don’t let fear of teasing stop you from signing him up.
• Avoid making stereotypical statements. Saying thing like, “Big boys don’t cry” or “Little girls shouldn’t get their pretty clothes dirty” may seem harmless (after all, our parents likely said these same things to us) but they do perpetuate unhealthy gender stereotypes.
• Make a conscious decision about what you want your child to play with. For example, are dolls okay for boys? Toy cars fine for girls? Guns off-limits regardless of gender?
• Minimize emphasis on appearance and maximize emphasis on skills, abilities, and personality traits. “Girls get more comments on appearance than anything else,” says Dr. Crowley-Long. “Be sure to recognize your daughter’s achievements and abilities. Compliment not just on how something looks but on the content.” An example: If your daughter shows you a drawing or book report she’s completed, instead of just complimenting how nice it looks say something like, “Wow. I can see you really put a lot of thought into that.”
• Try to separate girls from the media’s messages about their bodies. Because of pervasive media messages, most women feel they are too fat, too skinny, too flat-chested, too something. There’s nothing wrong with caring about your appearance, says Dr. Crowley-Long, but it shouldn’t be the most important factor in a girl’s or woman’s life. Assure your daughter that she looks great just the way she is, but also emphasize how great (smart, funny, kind) she is on the inside as well.
• Encourage girls to get involved in sports or musical performance. Boys tend to join these activities more than girls as they get older, so girls may be missing out on some of the benefits. Research shows that involvement in sports, for example, can boost a child’s confidence and lower her likelihood of body image problems.
• Monitor your child’s media consumption. Be aware of what your kids are watching and listening to and the messages they are getting. Talk to them about what they are hearing and seeing.
admin February 7th, 2008
Things that I notice, but maybe I shouldn’t
1. We frequently have visitors to our lab. We know who the important ones are because my advisor makes them up a schedule that usually includes each one of the group members talking to the visitor for about 15 minutes about our (published) work. I have also been asked to show various visitors around, take pictures, etc. Almost every time I introduce myself or am introduced as a PhD candidate, they react with what seems to be both enthusiasm and surprise. Now, this might be very normal. This might happen to all the other students these visitors meet. Maybe they are always surprised at finding PhD students in a research lab. Somehow, I don’t think so. So I am left wondering what it is about me that makes them so surprised. Is it because I am a woman? Do I look exceptionally young? Is it because I am in the severe American minority in our group? I used to never identify myself as a woman, or American, scientist. But now that I am in a minority I find myself doing this all the time and I have to wonder if I was just incredibly naïve before, or am I aligning myself across divisions that aren’t really there?
2. Every few months we have a lunch to celebrate good news, invite new members to the group, and say goodbye to departing ones. Personal information about various group members is also mentioned. Recently we had a lunch in which two male members were mentioned because they were happy to have their wives coming over from their home country. We have also had celebrations of new marriages, and a mention of one male member’s pregnant wife. I think this is great as it gives our rather large group a little appreciation of the alternate lives our members lead. So, I have to say that I was a little disappointed when mentions of people’s wives flying over were made, but nothing was said about my pregnancy. Maybe my advisor was trying to be discrete (though everyone knows) or maybe he thinks that I will find it too personal for him to bring up in that way. Those are both completely valid reasons. Still, I can’t help feeling that I am just not as important, or respected, or cared about than many other members in this group. If he can bring up a male member’s upcoming parenting status, why can’t he congratulate me on mine? Maybe I am just making something into a whole lot of nothing, but little things like this get to me.
admin January 18th, 2008
Oh! I totally forget the BEST part of the second trimester: THE SEX. So much wonderful horny no birth control spontaneous any time sex. Every day hot lubed self-initiated steamy wonderful wild loud fulfilling sex. And the boobs. The bigger fuller rounder bouncier boobs get much appreciation during the sex. And during the day, for that matter.
How could I have forgotten about that? Damn.
And this is why this blog is anonymous.
admin January 18th, 2008
So I am beginning my second trimester and I thought I’d reflect a little about my pregnancy for anyone who might be interested. I know I read many of these stories before deciding to reproduce myself.
Some resources say that women “just know” when they are pregnant. I was not one of those women. The only thing that might have clued me in was a passing thought that I seemed to have to pee more than usual. But then I figured it was just me drinking more liquids or my body figuring out that it could pee whenever it wanted to when I was at home. Really, I also didn’t really think that I could get pregnant the first month of trying. I had heard that the average was 6 months, and I had friends who had been trying a few months already. Plus, I knew one girl who got pregnant the first time, and I figured it was like knowing someone who won the lottery. The chances of winning after knowing someone who has won are so small, you might as well stop playing.
So, when I peed on that stick (I recommend First Response) and I got a faint line, my husband cautioned me not to get my hopes up, and so I didn’t. It turns out that I was testing too early. It also turns out that any line is a positive line. Because of all this caution and the faintness of the line, I never got to have that “Holy shit I’m pregnant guess what honey we’re pregnant woohhooo I can’t believe it” moment. And, I’m sorry I missed that. I realize now that I was looking forward to that moment.
My first symptoms were excessive peeing and cramps. I really don’t think I pee as often now as I did the first trimester, although on a long hike both me and the hubby can be seen scouting for good secluded spots at least twice before we get back. At least now I only make one middle-of-the-night run instead of the previous minimum two. Cramps are also normal as your insides grow and shift and shouldn’t be a concern unless they are very painful and accompany blood. All of this I read online. God bless WebMD.
I was hoping that being young and healthy the “morning” sickness would pass me by. It didn’t, but I have to say that it was light compared to other people I know. My worst moments were puking in the car, and having to jump out of the shower so that I didn’t puke in there. I think I still have plastic bags stashed all over the house and the car for that reason. What helped me the most was taking the vitamin just before I went to sleep at night (no more nasty vitamin burps or pukes – shudder) and NEVER getting hungry. I ate as soon as I woke up, and then at every sign of hunger after that. I kept snacks in the car, in my office, and next to the bed. I ate small amounts frequently. And I didn’t let myself get too tired. If I thought that 8 PM was too early to go to bed, my retching reminded me that it was not. I must mention that through all of this my husband was wonderful, often heading out late at night to get me something that I thought I could eat, or forgoing nice restaurant meals for ordering-in at home.
Let me also mention that at this point you might be feeling so bad all the time that you start to get angry at the source of your sickness – the baby. I certainly did. I couldn’t drink or eat many things I wanted to, and here I was sick all the time because of this damned baby. The best thing to treat this, I found, is an ultrasound picture. Little fetal babies are just so cute, especially YOUR little fetal baby.
By week 10-11 this phase was mostly over. It feels great, other than the annoying stabbing pain in the side, that apparently is my uterus pulling away from the inner wall (fun!). I am enjoying this trimester as I still look normal and I hear that the third comes with its own annoyances. The two things that still annoy me are my inability to drink wine or cocktails (grr) and my inability to run. Many of my friends have 5Ks, 10Ks and triathlons coming up and according to my heart rate, I can’t join in. Apparently even good hikes are dangerous. Even though apparently the 140 heart rate limit is no longer the standard, my pulse timings are telling me I’m near 180 on the easiest jogs, and that is not allowed. So, walking and weight excercises are it. Fortunately, my body seems to be OK, and I have not gained any weight. I am even a little worried about my lack of weight gain while at the same time happy that I am in my normal clothes. It will happen soon enough, I’m sure.
I know every person is different and every pregnancy is different too, but perhaps more of these personal stories will help people figure out their own bodies, and their own willingness to sacrifice it a little to grow this baby thing. I have the utmost respect for women who decide not to have kids. So far though, I’m glad I didn’t.
admin January 11th, 2008
So I haven’t posted in a long while. Its funny how that makes me feel guilty even though no one knows who I am, and my readership pretty much consists of my husband who knows everything that is going on with me anyway. But just in case someone wants to read this later, or finds this website helpful or instructive, I feel compelled to post on recent events.
I’m pregnant. And on the whole, I’m very excited. This was something done mostly intentionally, though I really didn’t think it would happen so quickly. To that poor other woman out there for whom it is taking a very long time, I am very sorry. I am that lower outlier screwing with the average.
Why did I do this? I thought and researched and decided that now is the perfect time. I want to be a younger mother. I have friends my age with fertility issues. My husband has a good job and I am looking to start something new. I will have my PhD as backup. I don’t want to wait until the unknown of some most likely even more stressful postdoc. Now is the time.
I am very relieved and very lucky that my advisers are incredibly supportive. This might have something to do with the fact that I will have graduated by the time the baby arrives, but I think perhaps standards for young academic women might just be coming around. They want to see women like me make these decisions and succeed. I could take this sentence back tomorrow, but they both strongly support me reaching the top of whatever career I choose, and me taking a good long time off to have fun with the new baby. I was scared to death to tell them, but it has worked out perfectly. They were both happy about the news, congratulated me, and then talked as normal about my thesis, graduation, and how they could help me after I left.
I still think I want to be a science writer, so this also gives me the perfect “excuse” to take off for several months to give it a go. I just can’t wait. My only worry is that the combination of the newness of the career and the newness of the mother role might make things difficult. Still, enthusiasm is a powerful motivator, and I have never been so excited. I feel like I have put myself into some forced labor camp for the last 5 years and now, finally, I am going to allow myself to do what I really want to do.
The one thing I worried most after getting pregnant was the loss of control. While I’ve been wanting a baby for a while now, once it was confirmed I had the sudden realization that this was something that could not be undone, no matter how much I wanted it. If you really hate your job, you can quit. If you really hate your husband, you can get a divorce. You can move, sell your house, find a new family for your dog (if you HAVE to), throw out your wardrobe, dye your hair, and estrange yourself from friends and family. But you cannot (not ethically, morally, or legally) suddenly decide that you don’t want your child once it is yours. You can’t leave it on a doorstep. You can’t tell the baby you just don’t want it anymore, that this was really a big mistake. And you can’t choose. The baby I have will be the baby I have. You can choose your job, husband, dog, and wardrobe. You get no control over this baby. And that, for me anyway, is terrifying.
What I realized that I was most afraid of was not the child, that little person who I could take on walks and play with and talk to, but the baby. I am afraid of a perpetually screaming, inconsolable, energy sucking, libido killing, nipple biting, red in the faced baby. I was afraid that sleep deprivation coupled with constant screaming would make me hurt myself, my husband, my child, or something else I hold dear. That it would induce a deep depression. I am terrified of depression. I had a good long look at it once, and I will do whatever I can to keep that daemon far away. If you are reading this and having these fears, I heartily recommend “The Happiest Baby on the Block.” It is a book all about soothing your baby in the first three months. Of course I have no actual proof that what is in this book will help me at all once the baby comes, but I believe it will, and that makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER.
So here I am, a rat in the maze. Let’s see how far I go.
admin October 6th, 2007
Well internet, I pose to you a question. Should I have a baby, or should I start my new career?
Really, I suppose the question is more nuanced than this. Really it is, should I go ahead and try to get pregnant now so that I can have a baby this summer, a perfect time when my family would be more able to help, a perfect time when I (hopefully) will have just graduated and so will be wanting to take off and reevaluate anyway, a perfect time because my brain is telling me almost daily that really I want to be pregnant already, a time my husband and I have been planning for months. OR. Or should I plan on being accepted into these incredibly exciting internship opportunities (not near home) that could be huge stepping stones on my way to branching out into a new career, a career that comes with a huge learning curve, acknowledge that a pregnancy, or worse a new infant would make that experience much more difficult if not impossible, and once again try putting off this huge life development? Of course it could happen that I could try to get pregnant now and it would take a while. It could also happen that I could put off having a baby just to be rejected from every program that I am hoping for. But I can’t plan for that. I have to plan as if I know what I am doing. The problem is that I have no idea what I am doing.
Can you do an internship i and be pregnant or breastfeeding? Even more pressing can you do one, possibly unpaid, most likely geographically separated from your income producing husband? I am thinking it would be almost impossibly difficult. I hate this. People ask why young women inherently have a more difficult time gaining high powered careers than men. I am mid-upper 20s. This is the time. This is the time for both career and family, and doing both right now just seems impossible. This is the reason. Internet, what do I do?
admin June 6th, 2007
I know it has been a long time since Mother’s Day, but I have putting off this post because I kept trying to wait until I could get it just right. I’ve finally decided that such a thing is not possible. So, here goes.
On mother’s day, I read quite a bit. I read many reflections from mothers on their experiences, and many people recalling, whether poignant or painful, experiences with their own mothers. I read tales of cute young children, preschool tots, teenage struggle, and belated appreciation. Many wonderful stories were written about mothers of sons and daughters, and even dogs, cats, and a snake in homage to this day. But as I read, I found something missing. Where were the sonnets devoted to the mother in law? Mention of this particular species was curiously absent. Now, this phenomena is likely easily understood. Mothers in Law are not traditionally a highly favored demographic. They come along often as so much unwanted baggage in a relationship. They often misuse their power, dismiss, criticize, cause friction, and a put their noses where they are not welcome. And certainly, there are some positively awful MsIL that can poison any relationship and who are just mean people. These are not the MiL of whom I speak. I refer to the MiL who may not be your favorite person, but who is a good person, one who may say the wrong thing, but for the right reasons. I am willing to bet that most MiL could be placed into this category.
It is easy to give homage to your own mother or yourself as the mother of your children and forget any contribution from the MIL. MILs are easily forgotten, being the actual mothers of other people, being the people that weren’t family until you brought someone else into yours. But please remember on this day, that mothers in law are mothers too. Though you may have “married the man, not his mother” this woman did raise this man (or woman) to whom you have pledged your devotion. This woman is also the grandmother to any of your children. And if you are a woman, and a mother, someday you may also be a MIL. She is important. She is family, whether you like it or not.
I write this from a unique perspective. This year I lost my Mother in Law. She is gone, and I never really appreciated her. I miss her because she’s the mother of my husband. I miss her because she would have been the grandmother of my children. And I miss her because she was MY mother in law. Mine. And now she’s gone. I miss her too, because should a new woman enter the family and try to be all of these things, she will never really be the same as the woman who raised my husband. I will never be able to see in this new woman, however wonderful she may be, in the things he does or says, or the way he looks. I have lost a part of my husband, and a part of our family. My children will never be able to know him better by knowing his mother. She will never be able to dote on her son’s child. And now, this mother’s day, my husband must take my mother, his mother in law, as a stand-in to his own. I don’t mean that my mother could ever replace his, but she is the closest thing he has at the moment, and though I love her, I pity him. She is an odd bird, that one. A very sweet, wonderful, odd bird. And she is not his mother. I hope it never happens to you, but someday, like him, your Mother in Law may become the only “mother” you have. And like me, you may lose one you never realized you took for granted.
So in between your crooning or crying, remember a mention of the Mothers in Law, who without whom, these people, our spouses, lovers, and parents, would not exist, and who, for all their faults, are our mothers too.
admin April 29th, 2007
At least I know about the pregnancy. I’m not pregnant, I just was mysteriously a week late. In the grand scheme of things this is probably a positive development, but my husband has to listen to me coo over every little chubby cheeked babe I see. (Who is this woman I have become? I do not recognize her.) It is nice that he likes them too. That will probably come in handy… It also seems that springtime brings not only nice weather, flowers, and baby chicks, but pregnancy announcements too. In the last week, I have received announcements of one birth and three pregnancies. I don’t even have a good reason to be jealous, but I seem to be that way anyway.
In other news, to celebrate our continued status as just a couple (and not prospective parents) my husband and I have decided to take a nice little vacation. Being that this vacation will coincide nicely our family planning time line, I have decided that this would make a nice procreation trip. The thing is though, I want to be able to drink wine and coffee and eat unprocessed cheese without having to worry about the pregnancy consequences. So I am left with a question. How do I know when I should worry about this? If I eat cheese and drink wine two weeks after conception, is this risky behavior? One week? Three days? I won’t even know if I am pregnant until a week out. How do people on these so called “procreation trips” handle these issues? Do they just not indulge? If there is a time to indulge, I would think that the time would be on the trip. Why don’t they have handbooks for this? Or at least why don’t I have one?