Dichotomy
admin June 12th, 2008
Defense is soon. Very very soon.
Soon I will answer to “doctor.” Soon I will answer to “mommy.”
I don’t know which one I am more excited about. Would it be a bad thing if it were the latter?
Archive for the 'PhD jobs' Category
Update and baby randomness
admin May 29th, 2008
So I met in person with crazy advisor yesterday and suddenly he is no longer crazy. He was happy and friendly and told me that things were on track and that my dissertation was even stronger now, and oh, go ahead and see about getting a new date. I suppose that this is what people mean when they say that things are completely misinterpreted via email. Or maybe I really am insane.
This is why one should never get emotional in an email. It can be completely misinterpreted, and the forward button is a click away. I am so glad that I didn’t send any of the venting emails I was itching to send and vented here instead.
On the pregnancy front I am still having a pretty easy time, though my back still isn’t all that happy about recent developments. I will really miss feeling all these movements when my son is born. I bet the pharmaceutical companies could make good money with a pill that simulates fetal movement. Or is that called gas? Please ye fates, let these favorable conditions continue.
And here I would like to take a second to appeal to all those very kind people who send the pregnant lady baby gifts. First of all, thank you. You are very kind and thoughtful and she is really touched that you sent her things for the baby. Secondly, please do not send the pregnant lady 500 newborn clothes. Know that everyone else has sent her 500 newborn clothes as well. They are all so tiny and cute that she will keep them all knowing some will never get worn and then after a few months her baby will have to run around in loincloths stitched from the 50 receiving blankets she received.
My career decisions are in limbo until this dissertation thing is done. Apparently my stipend really does make a difference to our finances. More to come on this later. Now it is back to work.
Clawing, but not Climbing
admin May 28th, 2008
So I am having a pretty tough time. My advisor seems to think that I am out to subvert him. Really, I just want to make him happy so that I can get out of here. I am under enormous stress. He just sent me a two paragraph admonition for using one word rather than another in a single sentence in my second chapter. I am REALLY hoping that our email communication is being somewhat misinterpreted by me, and he’s really not as mad as I think he is.
I just don’t understand what happened. We had a scientific disagreement, and after futilely arguing my point, I backed down and agreed to change. Now he seems to think I am wholly untrustworthy and that all of my work is no good. Just a few weeks ago he thought the highest of me and now it seems that I am a rouge student, or maybe just incredibly stupid?
I keep hearing that this will end, that it will be OK, that I just need to do what is necessary and it will be over. I can’t keep from stressing out about all this anyway. It is not the extra work, or the fact that I have to draw conclusions I’m not sure about, it is the loss of respect of someone I respected and trusted that really gets to me. And I have no idea how to get it back.
My advisor has decided that he will need to re-read the entire document to make sure that I say the right things before sending it out to my committee. So far I have only received notice about the offending word. I sent initial revisions it out to him in haste, hoping he would read it quickly so that could set a new date. I also hoped to let him know that I was actually changing things, despite his worries of my subversion. Now I am in fear now of other small errors that he will find due to my hurry.
I spent all my holiday working on this, and worrying about it so much that I didn’t sleep. Then I read about how bad stress is for your baby. So I stress out about stressing out the baby. Then I stress out that the stress will make the baby come early or that my defense will be much later, and I’ll really be screwed then. If I wasn’t so close to the end I’d quit.
I know that a PhD is not nor is supposed to be easy. I know that the dissertation and defense are a trial for every one. I just didn’t think it was supposed to be a personally degrading experience. I thought that work and preparation would serve me as they always have. I didn’t think it would be about personalities and egos. I thought that prior excellence would hold me through even difficult trials. Is this the way it is with other people? Have other people met these sorts of difficulties? My husband says my advisor is an ass, but he’s not. Until now I have really liked him. People don’t just become an ass overnight. So is something wrong with me? Am I really as horrible as he makes me feel? Please someone tell me that I am not the only one with these experiences.
Result
admin May 16th, 2008
So the result is (hopefully) only a slight delay in defending. Personally I’d love to go into labor during it. That would show ‘em.
It seems that my advisor thinks that his paper has completely refuted the generally accepted beliefs about this process, and so now the burden of proof has changed and all further papers must do similar experiments to PROVE this is going on. I disagree, but am doing the experiments to make him happy. I think they are flawed experiments, and so will most likely be revising my dissertation to say things that I don’t really believe, but hey if it will get me out of here I’ll do it.
Academia in action, folks. It’s not about the science, it’s about who has the most power and who can be the most stubborn and arrogant.
When your advisor tries to kill your thesis
admin May 15th, 2008
I have been working for many years now primarily to nail down a very elusive process. I have written several papers outlining experiments in which this process seems to be at work, and done analysis to show that it is at least a possibility in my systems. Both of my advisors have of course received and read each of these papers, or at least said that they did. All of these published papers include their names in the list of authors.
One of my advisors decided a few years ago that he just doesn’t believe in this process, and worked with another student to publish a paper that he believes “unambiguously” demonstrates that this process does not (cannot) occur for a system similar to mine. Now, while this paper was published and has much merit, there are some places where controls are not properly done, etc. so that although no one really tells him this, the work is hardly regarded as unambiguous. When we ask the student who wrote the work about such specific questions or whether these experiments were done, they have no answer. Also, this system and the parameters are different in some ways from mine, so even if the results were conclusive, they are not perfectly applicable.
Fast forward to well, now. It is a week before I defend to my committee and a week after I submitted my dissertation to my advisors for a preview check. This advisor has just contacted me saying that he has serious reservations regarding what I say in there and wants to meet to discuss. I find myself getting very defensive. This is the work that I have been doing for a long time. I make a very strong case based on calculation, simulation, experiments, and literature review. Maybe if he had been paying attention to anything going on he would have been alerted to this earlier. Now I am really afraid that despite my meticulous work, his personal biases and arrogance will force me either to attempt to rewrite my dissertation with less than a week until I defend, or push back my graduation to next month in which time I will be both a mother and cut off from funding.
This is so frustrating.
On the need for diversity in research groups
admin March 28th, 2008
Way back in the days of my youth when I spent many hours browsing through university advertising pamphlets, I was struck with how consistently they stressed diversity. I knew that diversity was something the campuses liked to strive for, but I really couldn’t understand why they would want to stress this aspect of the campus to the potential student. Certainly most any campus would be more diverse than the student’s high school. Weren’t academics, dorms, food, the gym, the location, and the student hotness factor more important? I will admit I didn’t take a second look at those diversity statistics. I will admit that I didn’t really care.
Then I came to college, and I met some incredibly interesting people. I still look back fondly to that freshmen year, when everyone is a potential friend, when no experience isn’t a new experience, when almost every single person around you is outside their comfort level and so is open to anything new. I still can’t believe that I wasn’t kidnapped. When everyone is a stranger, no one is a stranger. This might be part of the reason why I had so many experiences with stalkers.
At any rate, I met that first year very unusual and diverse people, and I loved it. After that year, however, my group of friends became more and more homogenous. When you have nothing but class or your dorm to keep you together, friendships often last about as long as the semester. As I began hanging out with people I met in student groups (who shared my interests) or in my major (who shared my interests) I stopped meeting more unusual people, and settled in with a nice but fairly homogenous crowd. I still appreciated those interactions I had my first year, but I didn’t think much about it. I was too busy studying for the next test or looking forward to my next date with my now husband.
After graduation I moved into my graduate school fairly easily. I had classes with many American students, and the group was fairly evenly loaded. Everyone spoke English. In fact, the students weren’t allowed to speak in anything other than English during working hours. Reading foreign magazines was even prohibited.
And then I began noticing a shift. The American students began graduating and their places were filled with foreign replacements. These replacements were not diverse. All the foreign students in our group speak the same foreign language. Gone were the signs prohibiting foreign speech or reading. The advisor began speaking in the native language unless English speakers were also being addressed. Only foreign students’ accomplishments were lauded. And I began for the first time to really evaluate the role of diversity.
Pretty soon, I was not only the sole woman (already very alienating), but one of the few Americans. I would go to speak to a colleague, and the climate would change. If others were around, he would stop a conversation, address me in English, and when I left, go back to previous topics. Sometimes the conversation would die completely. My presence became a buzzkill. I started avoiding these awkward interactions, and they certainly didn’t come to me. No longer could I pop in and add to conversation or provide a bit of advice. No longer could I make small talk with my colleagues. Because, you see, since they never got much practice, their English was rusty and it was straining for them to talk to me. And since I never talked to them, I didn’t know what to ask about. I have on several occasions found out that a group member had gotten married months ago, without me ever having heard anything about it. Though the foreign students always seem to make fast friends, I would never be included. My colleagues became strangers I saw every day. I will have only one lasting friend out of my 5 years here. Even the visiting scientists will have several.
I also have no idea what is going on the group. Research has become inclusive to those who can pick up on conversations. Much work is done in secret (truly) or late at night after I am gone. If we are engaged in some really interesting work, we are instructed not to talk about it to anyone, even those within the group. Since it is the foreign students doing the work the advisor is most interested in, I never really know what they are doing. At group meeting, due to this and the language barrier, I struggle to understand when members describe their research. Whythen, I often ask myself, I am required to attend group meeting?
You can think you understand diversity. You can think that you are an open minded person who values minority in all its forms. I certainly thought that. I didn’t worry about diversity because I figured unless I was some bigot, it wouldn’t really affect me. I was wrong. I learned that you can’t ever understand the minority viewpoint until you have been there. I am not pretending to even scrape the surface of the many minority issues in this country, or to understand at all what many ethnic, cultural, or lifestyle minorities must feel. I just have now a deeper understanding for how truly ignorant I am.
And it is not just detrimental to me. It is not just detrimental to “the minority.” A lack of diversity is detrimental to each individual and the group as a whole.
I understand my advisor’s desire to hire these foreign students over Americans. A quick calculation will tell you that they are a much better deal. They do what he says as if he were a god. They work for longer hours. They don’t take lunch out. They work weekends. They don’t leave a little early to meet friends Friday nights, or pursue any interests besides their research.
They do this because in the office there is high speed internet (absent in their apartments) and all their friends. They do this also because their families are hoping they will hurry up and finish soon so that they can return for a while. They do this because they have been hand-picked from the thousands of hopefuls hoping to work here, and they know that their visas will last only a short time. And perhaps they also do this because their ethic is still one of life accomplishment, rather than life fulfillment. Many of them work like machines. Students are not cheap and our output is publications. And they do make publications. And that is great for the group.
I know that the American students currently in the group (me included) will never have as many publications as the “others.” It is a given. The younger ones just don’t know it yet. This is due partly, yes, to that automaton-like work ethic. But this is not the only factor. Remember we are the best, brightest, highest achieving students from our own top universities. We are no stranger to tough subjects and hard work. I believe that the lower publication inevitability is due mostly to the separation. While “they” work on teams and have frequent interactions, we toil alone. While “they” share equipment with their work friends, we have to search and find time on our own. While the advisor places the “hard working” members on the best projects, we are given what is left. Those with the most exciting projects also have the most interaction with the advisor, thus promoting the mentorship that most students really need to flourish. And we sit at our desks, listening to these conversations through the wall, completely without understanding.
But Americans are good for the group too.
The Americans in the group liaison with other groups and researchers in other departments. We are much better and more willing to adopt interdisciplinary collaborations. We represent the group as recruiters, poster presenters, and good TAs. Our writing takes many fewer edits, and the end result is usually better. We really think about our research topics, rather than just accepting the ideas of our advisors, which often to lead to new and exciting developments. We know and follow safety guidelines that the other students choose to ignore. We fix the equipment, and do ordering. We edit papers and write grant proposals. We serve as leaders.
And we are good for the foreign students too. Part of the reason they are here is to learn English language and American customs. Lately students in my group are getting very little of this. English proficiency is not improving. Presentation skills are horrible. Writing is intelligible. They know nothing of American food, idioms, customs, or current events. It used to not be like this. Back when the group was evenly divided it was astounding how members’ English proficiency improved. Presentations became understandable and enjoyable. Lab mates became friends. And the Americans enjoyed the diverse culture as well, being invited to foreign made dinners, discussing policy differences, learning how we looked to those from the outside.
I also wish that the foreigners in our group weren’t all the same. I’d love to have some people from other cultures to learn from. Maybe that would lessen the us vs. them mentality of the two factions. It wouldn’t be just those “whiny, lazy Americans” asking for adoption of English, or insisting that highly hazardous chemicals be treated with due respect.
While our publication numbers have skyrocketed, I think that the group has seriously suffered. Students in other departments ask me why the group demographic has changed the way it has. “Is your advisor discriminatory?” they ask. I am finding it harder and harder to say no.
I didn’t mean this post to become as depressing as it has turned out. I just wanted to state my thoughts on the need to invite diversity into every group. Back in college I couldn’t care less about the demographic around me. Now, it feels integral to my research and career experience.
If you are a professor or potential professor reading this, please don’t just look at grades or research experience or awards or test scores. Make sure your lab is well populated with many different types of people. It will make your lab and your work stronger, and aid in the development of your students as well.
Lasts
admin March 19th, 2008
We are a people of firsts. First steps, first words, first days at school, first kiss, first car, first love…
Rarely do we recognize lasts.
And not because we don’t care, but because it is so difficult. Only death row inmates recognize their last meal. And “living every day as if it was the last” really is a recipe for disaster. If today was my last day I certainly wouldn’t worry about going to work, paying bills, eating right, making lists, meeting tomorrow’s deadline, laundry, resume prep, cleaning the bathroom, or all those other “planning ahead” things that make our lives run smoothly. I’d be eating pints of ice cream running naked through South Beach and skydiving. Still, sometimes I wish I remembered a few more of my favorite lasts.
I wish someone had told me to remember the last time my father would be able to flip me over his head, or the last time I would dance standing on his feet. I wish I had known that when my best friend moved we’d never really get back together. I still refuse to believe that I have played in plastic balls or collected static from a plastic slide for the last time. (Just you wait Burger King Kid’s playhouse!).But I do wish I had known the last time I would pet my childhood dog before she died. And I always make sure to tell my husband how much I love him before he leaves somewhere without me, just in case. Maybe knowing too many lasts would dampen the happiness in some moments, but sometimes I wish someone had told me at those instants to pay more attention, that just perhaps, I could try to commit this to memory.
This is why the lasts we do recognize are so very important. I truly enjoyed the last class I would ever have to receive a grade in. I can’t say I enjoyed my last final, but I did enjoy it being over. The last meal at the kiddy table was certainly appreciated, as was the last year I had to ask someone older than me for permission to go to the bathroom. My bachelorette party was most likely the first and last time I will ever compete in a wet T-shirt contest, and probably this is a good thing.
I think the idea of getting another chance to participate in some of these “lasts” is part of the reason why people consciously have children. I really hope to be able to at least look on as my son flies weightless in a swing, builds a rocket, catches bugs, sells lemonade, eats sand, and enjoys his grandparents. I will of course celebrate the firsts, but I hope I can also help him enjoy some of his lasts. Maybe I will tell him to pay attention, to commit the moments to memory, but most likely even if I knew a moment was a last, and even if I told him, he wouldn’t listen to me. Time is so infinite for children.
In the same spirit, I am really looking forward to my graduation ceremony coming up (hopefully) in a few months. Graduations are some of the few times we really get to sit up and acknowledge the end of something important. Graduation marks a last of achievement, not just growing up or growing old. This will most likely be my very last time to don a silly hat and cape, walk across a stage, and publicly acknowledge a job well done. I can understand those who would rather not deal with the crowd, the waiting, the thousands of other names called out monotonously just like theirs. But this, I think, will be it. And just in case, I don’t want to miss it.
Graduation, though, is never only about finishing, it is about starting something new. I hope to be able to walk across that stage wearing not only my cape, hat, and hood, but my baby as well – a last and a first simultaneously.
Mechanics of Fellowship Cover Letters
admin March 17th, 2008
Today I wrote a cover letter for a fellowship that I really want but probably won’t get because the topic is quite different from what I have spent the rest of my life doing. On the plus side I think my recommendations will be really strong, but on the minus side I really can’t prove to the reviewers that I will be able to accomplish what I propose.
Since I don’t have too much experience writing cover letters, I decided to see what kind of information Google would yield, and as expected I found plenty of information. I found cover letter tips, sample cover letters, cover letter templates, cover letters for high school students, college students, new professors, businessmen, physicians and managers. I did not, however, find tips specific to cover letters for fellowship applications. And while you may think that fellowship applications cannot be that different from any other academic cover letter, I think that this is a niche that needs to be filled. I had some questions that just were not answered by what I found online.
1. I know I should address the letter to the two PIs in charge of the fellowship. The address given on the application, however, is to an administrator. To further complicate issues, the two PIs have offices in different buildings. What address do I include in the header of my cover letter?
2. In corporate and academic cover letters you are hoping to land an interview. What do you say at the bottom instead of “I will contact you to set up an interview…” etc. ? I wrote something about how I would appreciate the opportunity that the fellowship would provide. I am guessing this is appropriate but would like some confirmation.
3. Do I spend most of my space outlining what I would like to do with the fellowship, or the experience that qualifies me to do it? Is it more important that I know what I want to do, or that I am someone who can do whatever it is they are most interested in? These things have limited real estate.
4. Talking about real estate, I decreased my font size to 11 pt font. Is this a bad idea? Do they even care for something like a fellowship?
Fortunately I have some people to review it for me before I send it out. With all this time I am spending working up this application (time not spent doing other research and thesis related activities) I wish I could better tell my chances. I think you should be able to send in just a cover letter and then have the reviewers contact you if they are interested and would like more information.
So Familiar I must be in the Matrix
admin March 13th, 2008
I was taking a break from work today by reading a few new blogs when I came upon Science Girl’s post about her relationship with her advisor. I swear we must be in the same group. (Actually, this is quite possible since we have so many people in the group now that I find myself attempting to memorize names and faces at our weekly group meetings in case I meet one of the many I don’t know in the hall.) Hell, we might be the same PERSON.
In a recent post, Science Girl expressed to her advisor all of the negative things I have said at one time or another about my situation. It is better now that I actually have a date for my defense, but these are ALL true of my experience. I just have never had the nerve to say these things to my advisors. My usually cheerful and determined to figure-it-all-out self is apparently either too chicken or too stubborn.
From Science Girl:
“In a meeting last week, I found myself too emotional to carry on being my usually cheerful and determined to figure-it-all-out self. If you’ve been reading this blog, you’ve probably picked up that I’ve been largely disappointed with my progress. So, when Advisor asked how I was doing, I just blabbed it all out. How I feel isolated because I get no feedback. How I am disappointed about rejected papers in the previous years, although I have worked very hard. How there is lack of a well thought out plan for my research, and how I am under pressure to figure out what the plan should be while the spotty feedback doesn’t really correlate to what I’ve been working on. How I have no examples in the lab to follow because most of the students are doing incremental work, following right behind more experienced students, while I am working on an entirely disjoint project. How I am discouraged by lack of visible progress, progress that would make it possible for me to ever graduate.”
http://girlyscientist.blogspot.com/2008/01/have-i-scared-my-advisor.html
These are some of the very issues that led me to make a call to the campus mental health center a few years ago, and issues that I still struggle with, even though I am getting better both at dealing and communicating my distress. I have to say that even though I am about to graduate, I would not call myself a graduate school “success.” My achievements, while notable, are far less numerous or ground-breaking than the other students in our group, and I do not think that I have achieved my highest potential. Many days have been spent online in a semi-depressed haze looking for ways out. And my advisors really are great guys. Really. They care about me, I know, and will certainly make sure that I have what I need to graduate.
Still, I really barely know them or them me. I still feel uncomfortable talking to them. I cannot show weakness to them. I am afraid to tell them what I really want to do in life. And I feel, constantly, like I should have done better. I also know that while I am an adult, and my education and experience are up to me, other students have a much easier time. (Of course, others have a MUCH MUCH worse time too.)
I suppose Professors forget how it used to be. Graduate school can be a shock to the system. Unless a some key elements are in place (frequent communication, useful and frequent feedback, plenty of support and interaction with other students, social outlets, identifiable milestones, regular encouragement) the experience can be socially and intellectually isolating and physically draining. Most graduate students are used to being frequently praised by teachers, grades, and awards, holding several leadership and member positions in numerous outside outlets, and having substantial time with friends and other like minded individuals. Semesters begin with a syllabus and time follows outlined milestones. Undergrads are used to studying in the sunshine on warm days, and taking occasional pizza and soccer breaks. They often have room mates to talk to during the day about topics outside of their field of study. Everyone speaks the native language at least when they are around. They are used to Fall Break, Spring Break, and at least two weeks for Christmas. Graduate school is a different beast.
So I think I will set out a list of important actions that every advisor should consider, perhaps especially when dealing with normally high achieving (female?) grad students
1. Provide feedback.
WE LOVE FEEDBACK. Positive and negative, it tells us how we are doing, what is working and not working, and provides encouragement to know that we are at least doing something well. We like both specific feedback: “That report you sent out was great, but I think you need to take a little more time thinking about X.” And general, “You know, you are right on track.” or “I think you need to buckle down a little more right now - I have noticed that all you do all day for the past three weeks is play pacman.” I would LOVE to get a grade every month. If I got a low grade, it would be a great impetus to start a conversation with my advisor. An A could go on the fridge.
I have no idea how professors think that we can easily change from the undergraduate system of constant, quick, and reliable feedback (in the form of tests, homeworks, daily interaction, etc.) to one short meeting a month and a “Thank you” response to a two page monthly progress report.
2. Ask SPECIFIC questions.
Bad: How are things? How are you? How’s it going? Fine? OK, let me talk for an hour to the guy whose project actually interests me.
Good: How are things progressing on X? How are you doing with X and Y? Do you need any help with your last data? Let me see your newest results. Do you have any specific concerns or news regarding your project? What are your career plans? What are your plans for the next week, month, year, 5 years?” How do you feel your progress is going? Do you have any specific questions that you would like to ask me?
3. Provide attainable milestones.
Set out a plan early on for when you expect your students to propose and defend their thesis. Tell them how many publications you would expect in a year, in two, by the time they graduate. Indicate how much time you expect them to spend in the lab and dealing with classes. Celebrate these milestones. (It always seems like my adivsor is so much more proud of other students’ papers even though mine go to some of the same journals. Even then, everyone could use more praise for the hard work that goes into a peer-reviewed publication.) Give a pat on the back or provide snacks for a passed proposal or qualifier. Send an email of praise for publication acceptance. Hey, even grab a beer to celebrate once in a while.
4. Encourage students to explore outside interests.
Not all students will want to continue research. Make sure that all students get at least some exposure to other paths, and do something unusual. I know a female student in another department who has been on at least three separate trips doing research and non-research but related work in other countries. Whose resume do you think looks better to a prospective employer? Who do you think has more important future contacts?
5. Invite criticism.
Really. Most students do not feel comfortable telling the boss how they could be doing better, even though we all talk about it to each other. Teachers get evaluations - why not advisors? There needs to be some way to communicate to your advisor that you are having trouble or need something he/she is not providing other than going into their office to announce it. Ask your student, is there anything bothering you? Is there anything else you need? Why do you think you have not been able to achieve X?
6. Have frequent face-to-face meetings.
Nothing beats actually TALKING to your advisor. Please do not check email or take phone calls during these meetings. Make sure the student has addressed their concerns before going off on unrelated tangents. Provide real feedback. Do not appear agitated or in a hurry to leave. Do try and remember what you said to the student the last time you met and try not to tell them to do something completely different.
These are some of the actions that I wish my advisors had taken. Of course there are several other important attributes of good advisors, like allowing students to attend conferences and meet important people, etc. but I think these are biggies that many profs just don’t do - in my experience anyway.
Do you agree? Are Science Girl and I isolated cases? What are the key actions that you wish your advisor took? What are some things that your advisor does well? Am I just a big whiner?
Fear of Failure
admin March 11th, 2008
I am slowly working on preparing my resume and sending out a few feelers so that I have good contacts when it comes time for me to find a new job. While as I have noted before I am pursuing science writing and would love to freelance, my lack of journalistic experience is realistically a big disadvantage. So, I am working on networking to secure a few good mentors, and even perhaps a position for a year or two in which I can learn inside information about how the reporting and publishing processes work.
Due to all of this career preparation, I have been thinking about common interview questions, and specifically what is to me perhaps the most difficult question of them all.
What are your weaknesses?
No one likes to talk about their weaknesses, especially in an interview when you are supposed to be selling yourself as enthusiastic, confident, and knowledgeable. But you cannot tell an interviewer that you have no weaknesses, so what do you do? A counselor one time advised my entire student body to say that we sometimes procrastinate. Everyone procrastinates, she says, so it’s an easy out. I’m not quite sure that I agree. First of all, since almost everyone procrastinates, an interviewer may think if you bring it up that you procrastinate more than normal, which can be a huge problem if deadlines are an issue. Secondly, what if you don’t often procrastinate? This could be a strength, which certainly you cannot reveal if you reserve it as an easy weakness. This question is so tricky to me. I still don’t know if I have found the best answer.
If I was being entirely honest – and I’m not sure I could do this in an interview – I would have to say that a big weakness of mine is fear of failure. This fear can be at times annoying, and at others a real obstacle to my work. I really do not like to do things badly, and that can prevent me from doing things that I should be doing.
For example, there was some equipment in my building that I needed to use. This is rather complicated and expensive equipment. I have been trained to use it, so theoretically I should be able to operate it, but the thing is that I don’t use it often enough not to forget the finer points. For the last few weeks I have really needed to use this equipment, but I found myself putting it off. And off. And off. It was knowing that I should be able to use it but couldn’t that prevented me from doing some very important work. Finally last week I just spent a day troubleshooting and asking questions and re-learning how to use it. Now all is fine, it doesn’t seem so difficult, and I will be able to do this important work. But why didn’t I do this sooner?
Fear of Failure
Another example is sports. I’m a pretty athletic gal. I have trained and completed several competitive runs and one sprint triathlon, and I can’t wait to get back on the training circuit once this baby is born. I am good at these things. I enjoy them. But I do not participate in group sports. One time looking silly and doing badly as part of a TEAM where people are WATCHING is enough humiliation to keep me away from a sport forever. In school I did participate in a group sport, but I practiced and took lessons and worked every day to help ensure I did not fail at this sport. Still, on the days I did poorly, fun was the last thing I was thinking. Today, I refuse to play this sport unless I can get back to the level of skill I had achieved in school, which I know would take substantial time and financial capital. I am just not willing to do this. So I don’t play.
I honestly cannot understand people who enjoy just going out and doing something and not performing well. The only thing I can attribute this to is my fear of failure. I don’t fear failing at new things, but things that I think I should be able to do, I MUST do well.
Am I a complete nut?