Archive for the 'PhD jobs' Category

A new deal

admin September 17th, 2010

I can hardly believe that in a few months I will have done this professional writing thing for a full year.

All of it, the move, the worry, the excitement, and the frustrations of those first few weeks seem still so acute, so recent. Perhaps all this is because I am still unsure – unsure of where I will go from here, unsure of what I want to do.

I love writing. And I’m good at it. I always thought so before, but now I have some empirical evidence. And that feels good.

The problem is that I miss my son. Every. Single. Day. I know that many working mothers miss their kids. I know that many mothers work and have kids and do both well. I know that we will adapt. Hell, I think we already have. The pain of our separation has lessened, and my son seems resigned to the fact that his mother will leave him in the morning.

The problem with me is that I know what I am missing. I took care of him every day for 18 months and I know exactly what it means to stay at home with a child. I know how it feels to never get a shower and wear ill fitting clothes and worry about money and have food and dirt on me and not have adult conversation and have a cranky sick or teething kid, to change diapers and play the same games over and over. But I know that as much as I thought I would dislike all of that, I absolutely loved being, every day, with my child. I also know how it feels to have private jokes and conversations, to have him wake up and see me and smile, to know what is going on in his head, to have playdates, to see him delight in the wind, an ant, a hose, to see him confident in me, sure that I will never leave him.

I left him, and I know what I am missing.

I am missing the depth of knowledge of my son that I had when I was with him most every day. Knowing him like that made me, I am sure, a better mother. When he acted or reacted, I had a larger library of knowledge from which to draw. I knew what he had eaten and how well he had slept and what he had just learned, who he had played with and what had happened and I could put his behavior into context. My library is now incomplete. Parts of my son are lost to me.

I am missing opportunities to teach in those moments that present themselves suddenly, and without warning. I was with him when he walked and talked, found spiders, encountered new people, discovered rain, and tasted cookies. He fell and looked at me. I guided him every day. My mother is doing that now. And though she loves my son and she has been a mother, she is not me, and she does not teach the same things in the same way. And I think I am better.

I miss cooking, for him and with him. I worry about what he eats. My mother does not know about nutrition and she doesn’t take him to play dates. He is lonlier now. He is without other children. I worry.

And I can’t even think about having another child, a child I want, when I don’t feel like I have enough time with one.

So I am left to decide where to do from here. I love writing. I love my child. I am working on a solution. Maybe I can freelance. Maybe I can work three days a week. I will do something. Because as much as I love writing, I don’t love it more than mothering my child. And this is a surprise to me.

Back after a long hiatus

admin May 10th, 2010

After a long hiatus I am hoping to start writing again here on my beloved PA. Let me tell you what has happened since I last posted:

1. My kid is now almost 2 years old. Can you believe it? Oh, he is SO fun. Occasionally exhausting but really fun. I am hoping to chronicle more of his growth and hijinks here. PS: Spell check suggested I change the word to hijacks. Yeah, hopefully not.
2. I have a new job. Get this – I am an official Science Writer!! I now work for a major science magazine and have a real title and everything. So. It really CAN happen.
3. I moved to new city for my job. It was scary. I did it anyway. I am hoping that this is a good thing.
4. After spending (and loving) 1.5 years at home with my son, I now have a good dose of working mother’s guilt at going back to work. Sometimes I really wish I was still with my son. Maybe I should have just moved into a smaller but still nice house so that I could stay with him for these next few years and be able to buy a few things and save too and do this writing gig later, you know, when I will have all kinds of time. Instead I am in new city away from friends and family with more expensive housing and doses of guilt. These are the things that keep me up at night.
5. But, I love this job and I love the directions that the job will allow me to follow in the future. I figure that it’s only fair that I bring you along with me.

So, hello all you all. I’m back!

Don’t Do It

admin June 25th, 2009

I came home from a vacation recently to a rather interesting email in my inbox. At first, I thought it was about my role in licensing a patent on one of my research discoveries (oooh yeah!). It wasn’t.

This is now the second time I have received this letter. It reads:

Dear PA ,

I am writing on behalf of the international academic publisher, LAP Lambert Academic Publishing AG & CO.KG.

In the course of a research at the Library of YOUR UNIVERSITY, we came across a reference to your thesis on “ESOTERIC THESIS TOPIC IN THE SCIENCES”.

As we would like to make your work available to a larger audience, I am wondering if you may be interested in publishing your thesis in the form of a printed book.

Your reply including an e-mail address to which I can send an e-mail with further information in an attachment will be greatly appreciated.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely yours,
Kind regards

Bryan Narroo
Acquisition Editor

LAP LAMBERT Academic Publishing AG & Co. KG

Theodor-Heuss-Ring 26 / 50668 Köln, Germany

Fon +49 681 3720-310
Fax +49 681 3720-3109

b.narroo@lap-publishing.com / www.lap-publishing.com

Handelsregister Amtsgericht Köln HRA 26549
Partner with unlimited liability:
VDM Verwaltung Aktiengesellschaft
Handelsregister Amtsgericht Saarbrücken HRB 16777

Board of Directors: Dr. Wolfgang Müller (Chairman/Vors.), Christoph Schulligen, Jürgen Gerber,
Supervisory Board: Prof. Dr. Johannes G. Bischoff (Chairman/ Vors.), RA Thomas Bischoff, RA André Gottschalk

The first time I got this letter I was a little excited. I mean, they wanted to publish ME! Who cares if my dissertation is already widely available for anyone who ever cares to read it. They think it could be a BOOK! Like with real pages and binding and my name all big on the front and people will buy it. I was also out of a job and more than a little vulnerable. Of course, I did have some things going for me. First, I’ve done my fair share of publishing in good journals and have no real need to publish my dissertation. Second, I’m am deathly afraid of violating copyrights and going to “pound you in the ass prison” (or any prison, really). And last, I know how to use the internet. So I did what any good little researcher would do.

I googled.

And I found out that this is a scam, people. Don’t do it!

See here: http://hjhop.blogspot.com/2008/12/shady-academic-publishing.html
And here: http://littlecomputerscientist.wordpress.com/2009/06/04/investigating-lambert-academic-publishing-with-google-square/

They really do have a pretty website. But sadly, a good website is a (mostly) necessary but not sufficient condition.

Good Places to Visit (When you Aren’t Looking for Porn)

admin May 12th, 2009

Do you read PhD Comics? Because you should. And not because they are a hilarious daily procrastination, though they are, but because they are just SO TRUE. I think that I will direct any young naïve little thing asking me about grad school there with strict instructions to read, beginning to end. Then if they still have the courage to proceed, THEN I will write a recommendation.

http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=360

Also, I was bopping around the internet today and found THIS! Signed my little self up and everything.

http://www.scientificblogging.com/

Erosion

admin May 7th, 2009

The weather is gorgeous. My baby is happy and healthy. I have a wonderful husband. We have several fun trips planned, and our money situation at least right now is getting better.

I feel lost.

It is coming up on 10 months that I haven’t had a job. And this is really bothering me. I have never NOT had something waiting for me, something to strive for, something concrete when asked my plans. Even in grad school when I hated the work, I had a plan. Why can’t I find something? Do I need professional resume help? Do I need to spend more time looking? How do I do that when I have this baby I need to look after? Do I need to narrow my search? Quit trying to write and just do what I was trained to do? Should I suck it up and sell our house, make my husband quit his job, and move my family to whatever institution will give me a post-doc? God, is it that I am just NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

I feel like there is a train nearby on its way to my ideal life. I can hear this train. I know it is near, but I search and search and just can’t find it. And I know that eventually the train will pass by, and I may never get to that perfect place. Ever. No matter how hard I work, or how badly I want it.

I am forgetting what I learned. I am becoming obsolete.

I can imagine dozens of idyllic paths. I feel paralyzed, knowing that each one necessarily negates the other, and (reality check) right now, I am not on any of them.

One of the things that really bothered me about graduate work was the lack of feedback. Whereas in school, virtually every effort is graded, I felt adrift as a graduate assistant. Was what I was doing right? Could I be doing better? Were the other students better at this than me? Should I be working harder? Where was my A? During the first 2 years or so I drifted slowly slowly into a depression. I sat for hours in front of my computer, listlessly reading, searching for something that would make me feel better. The internet, I must say, never delivered. One day, I sat in my car in front of my house and fantasized about launching myself into the nearby ditch. Fortunately, soon after this incident my advisor and I had a heart to heart and I started to do better.

And now, I have less. Even less. No one knows what I do all day. No one is here to celebrate my accomplishments. There is nothing to add to my resume.

And I am starting to feel that corrosive pull. Those doubts. Those cagey thoughts. Maybe I will never find a job. Maybe I will never get to do what I want. Maybe I should have waited to get pregnant. Maybe I have made a REALLY BIG MISTAKE.

The danger is that it is so subtle, so gradual. It takes time to really lose oneself. I feel the first tiny currents. I know this feeling. What do I do?

NYT Op-Ed: Universities Must Restructure

admin April 30th, 2009

I found this Op Ed from the New York Times relevant and thought provoking. In general I agree and wish I had read something like this before launching myself into graduate school years ago. I am curious as to what others think

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/27/opinion/27taylor.html?em

Grad School Baggage

admin October 14th, 2008

Grrr. Right now I am working on a manuscript that I finished up before the baby came. Well now of course the reviewers want more information. On one hand I don’t want all that good hard work to go to waste, but on the other I can’t help but thinking that I am not getting paid for this. I just want it done.

Update on Work

admin October 3rd, 2008

The prof advertising the post doc position seemed to want to help me out, but seemed hesitant due to my lack of true biology lab experience. Like I said, I wasn’t sure I wanted the job either, so I think I’ll bow out.

A headhunter is submitting my resume to three different medical education companies looking for medical writers. Hopefully they won’t find me to be under qualified. This job could be awesome, but I’m wary that it might require huge amounts of travel or long long hours. Of course if they paid me enough my husband could quit his job. Then again, they’d have to pay me quite a bit. If I was offered the job I’d most likely take it if only to get some real science communications experience. Also, I could save the extra money to float me later should I decide that I am not happy.

On that note, I’m considering going into business for myself. I have SO MANY ideas. Maybe too many.

There’s an ad for a prof position near where I live. I think I’ll apply for this one. Same reasoning here as the other position. I’d make good money that I could bank and use as capital to support other goals should I decide that I don’t like the position.

The problem is that I’ve had very little experience outside of my university. I wish they had “job days” for new graduates like they used to have when I was a kid. You got to spend a week following people will all different kinds of professions. Ooh, now that’s a business idea right there.

If you are reading this, leave a comment with what exactly it is you do, what you like and what you don’t like. I would say to send me an email, but my password is giving me problems.

When I Grow Up

admin September 27th, 2008

Next week I go to interview for a postdoc position. The position fits well with what I have already done, but leaves plenty of room for further growth and learning. It would be with a large and very highly respected lab with plenty of funding, working for a rather famous professor who is apparently a great guy. Furthermore, this position would allow me to stay where I am for the next two years, certainly a good thing, and it would pay me double what I was making previously, meaning that the pay would effectively allow me to contribute the same amount I did prior to funding childcare.

The thing is I’m not sure I want it.

I sometimes wonder if highly educated people fall into the trap of too much delayed gratification. All our lives we are told that if we work hard, if we study, if we stay the course now, we will be rewarded in the future. What no one tells us is exactly what day “the future” is. When do we stop preparing for our lives and realize that that life we had been preparing for? It’s right now. We’re living it.

Academia is one of the worst examples of delayed gratification. Most people see a college degree as a real accomplishment. To rise in academia you have to receive your undergrad degree from a good school, usually as one of the top in your class, then be admitted and excel in graduate school, spend a year or two (minimum) working as a post-doc, then get lucky enough to be hired as an assistant professor where you must work hard to prove yourself worthy of tenure. And the sad thing is, after all of that, some realize that it isn’t what they really want to do. All that hard work, that keeping their head down, that playing the rules just right, was just preventing them from discovering what it was they really enjoyed. And sometimes, it is too late.

I don’t want to be one of those people.

If somehow I was independently wealthy I would paint, sculpt, and write. I would write about science, mostly, and maybe later a novel. I would travel and take photographs that would then be showcased in small galleries, along with my other work. I would design interiors and children’s clothes. I would host and attend scientific conferences, schedule political debates, and spend my free time helping out at the Humane Society, and Habitat for Humanity. This would be during normal working ours since of course after work and on weekends would be reserved for my husband, my son, and our adopted dogs. For vacation we would head either to the sea for alternatively, relaxation and adventure, or to a farm so that I could nourish things, feed them, and watch them grow. Oh, and ride the horses. Every day I would ride the horses.

I know that this utopian life is fantasy, but I feel that my vision demonstrates some things about me that I should not ignore. I want to create, I want to lead, and I want to contribute. I want to explore difficult problems and see concrete results.

The problem with lab work is that it is mostly not creative. Progress is gradual. Even huge breakthroughs come about only after all the menial obstacles have been overcome. Results are not concrete, nor immediate. I don’t like lab work. I like thinking about complex problems. I like learning new things. I don’t like tinkering.

Here I am, rambling away. It is just that now I think it is the time for me to sit back and be rewarded. My life should I think start now, before 30. If I must leave my son, it should be for a good reason. And this interview does not represent this idea. I am excited only about the prospect of money. I feel shackled. What it is I want to do I cannot claim to be fully qualified. I would love to be a science writer or editor, but there are plenty more who look better on paper because I have dutifully followed a path I no longer care to take. Do I stay the path, or do I risk the forest? Perhaps just a little way down the path there is a clearing; perhaps the path just takes me deeper.

I want to love my job. I want to get paid for my good work. Why does that have to be so difficult?

And a New Day Dawns

admin August 1st, 2008

First of all, thank you so much, Gillian, for your comments. You made me feel so much better, sitting there, holding my hand with your words. I also posted a cry for help in my facebook profile, and was buoyed by many comments left by people I know and love all over the country. You know, I remember some kid’s show from a LONG way back with some truly awful jingle about how great friends are (Sesame Street? Mr. Rogers?) and I remember thinking, “Well duh you dumb people. This is so stupid.” But that was back when a “friend” was that kid you just met at the pool: “What’s your name? What’s your favorite color? Want to be my friend?”

So thank you to all my friends, the ones I know and those I don’t. My favorite color is blue.

Because today has been much better. My Mom is here to hold and console the baby, who strangely doesn’t feel the need to cry nearly so much. Our friends arrived early to take care of him, and we got to the graduation site in plenty of time. Graduation actually was nice, and I felt some sense of accomplishment.

I like to rub my velvet stole…

Apparently the baby didn’t cry at all while I was gone, and he is now back to his three hour feeding schedule. And Saturn aligns with the Moon and Pluto in the Southern hemisphere… So things are good, for now. And now I have heard that this is the toughest time, that things will get better, so the bad days will not be for the rest of my life, and OH MY GOD how good does that make me feel.

And now so that this blog isn’t entirely frustrated rants, here’s a bit of trivia about the phrase “T-minus” entirely stolen from that little gem, the urban dictionary.

T minus zero

“T minus zero” means “out of time.”

This comes from a countdown convention used in by both the American military and NASA.

Generally, it is used when counting down to a major event that will happen at a specific time.

Mathematically, T is time, minus whatever amount of time is left until the event happens.

If the News Years ball is dropping in 10 minutes, one could say “The ball is dropping in T minus 10 minutes and counting!”

Therefore, “T minus zero” means that there is no time left.

Interesting, no?

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