admin October 14th, 2008
Grrr. Right now I am working on a manuscript that I finished up before the baby came. Well now of course the reviewers want more information. On one hand I don’t want all that good hard work to go to waste, but on the other I can’t help but thinking that I am not getting paid for this. I just want it done.
admin October 3rd, 2008
The prof advertising the post doc position seemed to want to help me out, but seemed hesitant due to my lack of true biology lab experience. Like I said, I wasn’t sure I wanted the job either, so I think I’ll bow out.
A headhunter is submitting my resume to three different medical education companies looking for medical writers. Hopefully they won’t find me to be under qualified. This job could be awesome, but I’m wary that it might require huge amounts of travel or long long hours. Of course if they paid me enough my husband could quit his job. Then again, they’d have to pay me quite a bit. If I was offered the job I’d most likely take it if only to get some real science communications experience. Also, I could save the extra money to float me later should I decide that I am not happy.
On that note, I’m considering going into business for myself. I have SO MANY ideas. Maybe too many.
There’s an ad for a prof position near where I live. I think I’ll apply for this one. Same reasoning here as the other position. I’d make good money that I could bank and use as capital to support other goals should I decide that I don’t like the position.
The problem is that I’ve had very little experience outside of my university. I wish they had “job days” for new graduates like they used to have when I was a kid. You got to spend a week following people will all different kinds of professions. Ooh, now that’s a business idea right there.
If you are reading this, leave a comment with what exactly it is you do, what you like and what you don’t like. I would say to send me an email, but my password is giving me problems.
admin September 27th, 2008
Next week I go to interview for a postdoc position. The position fits well with what I have already done, but leaves plenty of room for further growth and learning. It would be with a large and very highly respected lab with plenty of funding, working for a rather famous professor who is apparently a great guy. Furthermore, this position would allow me to stay where I am for the next two years, certainly a good thing, and it would pay me double what I was making previously, meaning that the pay would effectively allow me to contribute the same amount I did prior to funding childcare.
The thing is I’m not sure I want it.
I sometimes wonder if highly educated people fall into the trap of too much delayed gratification. All our lives we are told that if we work hard, if we study, if we stay the course now, we will be rewarded in the future. What no one tells us is exactly what day “the future” is. When do we stop preparing for our lives and realize that that life we had been preparing for? It’s right now. We’re living it.
Academia is one of the worst examples of delayed gratification. Most people see a college degree as a real accomplishment. To rise in academia you have to receive your undergrad degree from a good school, usually as one of the top in your class, then be admitted and excel in graduate school, spend a year or two (minimum) working as a post-doc, then get lucky enough to be hired as an assistant professor where you must work hard to prove yourself worthy of tenure. And the sad thing is, after all of that, some realize that it isn’t what they really want to do. All that hard work, that keeping their head down, that playing the rules just right, was just preventing them from discovering what it was they really enjoyed. And sometimes, it is too late.
I don’t want to be one of those people.
If somehow I was independently wealthy I would paint, sculpt, and write. I would write about science, mostly, and maybe later a novel. I would travel and take photographs that would then be showcased in small galleries, along with my other work. I would design interiors and children’s clothes. I would host and attend scientific conferences, schedule political debates, and spend my free time helping out at the Humane Society, and Habitat for Humanity. This would be during normal working ours since of course after work and on weekends would be reserved for my husband, my son, and our adopted dogs. For vacation we would head either to the sea for alternatively, relaxation and adventure, or to a farm so that I could nourish things, feed them, and watch them grow. Oh, and ride the horses. Every day I would ride the horses.
I know that this utopian life is fantasy, but I feel that my vision demonstrates some things about me that I should not ignore. I want to create, I want to lead, and I want to contribute. I want to explore difficult problems and see concrete results.
The problem with lab work is that it is mostly not creative. Progress is gradual. Even huge breakthroughs come about only after all the menial obstacles have been overcome. Results are not concrete, nor immediate. I don’t like lab work. I like thinking about complex problems. I like learning new things. I don’t like tinkering.
Here I am, rambling away. It is just that now I think it is the time for me to sit back and be rewarded. My life should I think start now, before 30. If I must leave my son, it should be for a good reason. And this interview does not represent this idea. I am excited only about the prospect of money. I feel shackled. What it is I want to do I cannot claim to be fully qualified. I would love to be a science writer or editor, but there are plenty more who look better on paper because I have dutifully followed a path I no longer care to take. Do I stay the path, or do I risk the forest? Perhaps just a little way down the path there is a clearing; perhaps the path just takes me deeper.
I want to love my job. I want to get paid for my good work. Why does that have to be so difficult?
admin August 1st, 2008
First of all, thank you so much, Gillian, for your comments. You made me feel so much better, sitting there, holding my hand with your words. I also posted a cry for help in my facebook profile, and was buoyed by many comments left by people I know and love all over the country. You know, I remember some kid’s show from a LONG way back with some truly awful jingle about how great friends are (Sesame Street? Mr. Rogers?) and I remember thinking, “Well duh you dumb people. This is so stupid.” But that was back when a “friend” was that kid you just met at the pool: “What’s your name? What’s your favorite color? Want to be my friend?”
So thank you to all my friends, the ones I know and those I don’t. My favorite color is blue.
Because today has been much better. My Mom is here to hold and console the baby, who strangely doesn’t feel the need to cry nearly so much. Our friends arrived early to take care of him, and we got to the graduation site in plenty of time. Graduation actually was nice, and I felt some sense of accomplishment.
I like to rub my velvet stole…
Apparently the baby didn’t cry at all while I was gone, and he is now back to his three hour feeding schedule. And Saturn aligns with the Moon and Pluto in the Southern hemisphere… So things are good, for now. And now I have heard that this is the toughest time, that things will get better, so the bad days will not be for the rest of my life, and OH MY GOD how good does that make me feel.
And now so that this blog isn’t entirely frustrated rants, here’s a bit of trivia about the phrase “T-minus” entirely stolen from that little gem, the urban dictionary.
T minus zero
“T minus zero” means “out of time.”
This comes from a countdown convention used in by both the American military and NASA.
Generally, it is used when counting down to a major event that will happen at a specific time.
Mathematically, T is time, minus whatever amount of time is left until the event happens.
If the News Years ball is dropping in 10 minutes, one could say “The ball is dropping in T minus 10 minutes and counting!”
Therefore, “T minus zero” means that there is no time left.
Interesting, no?
admin June 18th, 2008
So I passed! Flying colors and all that. I actually had a really good time talking to my committee about what I had done, and they told me that they were really impressed.
Sigh…
Now it is push push push to get this last paper out before the baby. I wish I could relax a bit, but it should be a really good paper. Maybe if I hustle I can get a few days to bum around and sleep.
That pressure couldn’t keep me from watching the last two holes of the US Open though. Did anyone else see that? Incredible.
admin June 12th, 2008
Defense is soon. Very very soon.
Soon I will answer to “doctor.” Soon I will answer to “mommy.”
I don’t know which one I am more excited about. Would it be a bad thing if it were the latter?
admin May 29th, 2008
So I met in person with crazy advisor yesterday and suddenly he is no longer crazy. He was happy and friendly and told me that things were on track and that my dissertation was even stronger now, and oh, go ahead and see about getting a new date. I suppose that this is what people mean when they say that things are completely misinterpreted via email. Or maybe I really am insane.
This is why one should never get emotional in an email. It can be completely misinterpreted, and the forward button is a click away. I am so glad that I didn’t send any of the venting emails I was itching to send and vented here instead.
On the pregnancy front I am still having a pretty easy time, though my back still isn’t all that happy about recent developments. I will really miss feeling all these movements when my son is born. I bet the pharmaceutical companies could make good money with a pill that simulates fetal movement. Or is that called gas? Please ye fates, let these favorable conditions continue.
And here I would like to take a second to appeal to all those very kind people who send the pregnant lady baby gifts. First of all, thank you. You are very kind and thoughtful and she is really touched that you sent her things for the baby. Secondly, please do not send the pregnant lady 500 newborn clothes. Know that everyone else has sent her 500 newborn clothes as well. They are all so tiny and cute that she will keep them all knowing some will never get worn and then after a few months her baby will have to run around in loincloths stitched from the 50 receiving blankets she received.
My career decisions are in limbo until this dissertation thing is done. Apparently my stipend really does make a difference to our finances. More to come on this later. Now it is back to work.
admin May 28th, 2008
So I am having a pretty tough time. My advisor seems to think that I am out to subvert him. Really, I just want to make him happy so that I can get out of here. I am under enormous stress. He just sent me a two paragraph admonition for using one word rather than another in a single sentence in my second chapter. I am REALLY hoping that our email communication is being somewhat misinterpreted by me, and he’s really not as mad as I think he is.
I just don’t understand what happened. We had a scientific disagreement, and after futilely arguing my point, I backed down and agreed to change. Now he seems to think I am wholly untrustworthy and that all of my work is no good. Just a few weeks ago he thought the highest of me and now it seems that I am a rouge student, or maybe just incredibly stupid?
I keep hearing that this will end, that it will be OK, that I just need to do what is necessary and it will be over. I can’t keep from stressing out about all this anyway. It is not the extra work, or the fact that I have to draw conclusions I’m not sure about, it is the loss of respect of someone I respected and trusted that really gets to me. And I have no idea how to get it back.
My advisor has decided that he will need to re-read the entire document to make sure that I say the right things before sending it out to my committee. So far I have only received notice about the offending word. I sent initial revisions it out to him in haste, hoping he would read it quickly so that could set a new date. I also hoped to let him know that I was actually changing things, despite his worries of my subversion. Now I am in fear now of other small errors that he will find due to my hurry.
I spent all my holiday working on this, and worrying about it so much that I didn’t sleep. Then I read about how bad stress is for your baby. So I stress out about stressing out the baby. Then I stress out that the stress will make the baby come early or that my defense will be much later, and I’ll really be screwed then. If I wasn’t so close to the end I’d quit.
I know that a PhD is not nor is supposed to be easy. I know that the dissertation and defense are a trial for every one. I just didn’t think it was supposed to be a personally degrading experience. I thought that work and preparation would serve me as they always have. I didn’t think it would be about personalities and egos. I thought that prior excellence would hold me through even difficult trials. Is this the way it is with other people? Have other people met these sorts of difficulties? My husband says my advisor is an ass, but he’s not. Until now I have really liked him. People don’t just become an ass overnight. So is something wrong with me? Am I really as horrible as he makes me feel? Please someone tell me that I am not the only one with these experiences.
admin May 16th, 2008
So the result is (hopefully) only a slight delay in defending. Personally I’d love to go into labor during it. That would show ‘em.
It seems that my advisor thinks that his paper has completely refuted the generally accepted beliefs about this process, and so now the burden of proof has changed and all further papers must do similar experiments to PROVE this is going on. I disagree, but am doing the experiments to make him happy. I think they are flawed experiments, and so will most likely be revising my dissertation to say things that I don’t really believe, but hey if it will get me out of here I’ll do it.
Academia in action, folks. It’s not about the science, it’s about who has the most power and who can be the most stubborn and arrogant.
admin May 15th, 2008
I have been working for many years now primarily to nail down a very elusive process. I have written several papers outlining experiments in which this process seems to be at work, and done analysis to show that it is at least a possibility in my systems. Both of my advisors have of course received and read each of these papers, or at least said that they did. All of these published papers include their names in the list of authors.
One of my advisors decided a few years ago that he just doesn’t believe in this process, and worked with another student to publish a paper that he believes “unambiguously” demonstrates that this process does not (cannot) occur for a system similar to mine. Now, while this paper was published and has much merit, there are some places where controls are not properly done, etc. so that although no one really tells him this, the work is hardly regarded as unambiguous. When we ask the student who wrote the work about such specific questions or whether these experiments were done, they have no answer. Also, this system and the parameters are different in some ways from mine, so even if the results were conclusive, they are not perfectly applicable.
Fast forward to well, now. It is a week before I defend to my committee and a week after I submitted my dissertation to my advisors for a preview check. This advisor has just contacted me saying that he has serious reservations regarding what I say in there and wants to meet to discuss. I find myself getting very defensive. This is the work that I have been doing for a long time. I make a very strong case based on calculation, simulation, experiments, and literature review. Maybe if he had been paying attention to anything going on he would have been alerted to this earlier. Now I am really afraid that despite my meticulous work, his personal biases and arrogance will force me either to attempt to rewrite my dissertation with less than a week until I defend, or push back my graduation to next month in which time I will be both a mother and cut off from funding.
This is so frustrating.