admin July 1st, 2010
I forget sometimes that this minute is just as much my life as the next. In planning our lives, we must remember that we are also living them. So to you I say, travel, exalt, dance to music, laugh with friends, and get messy. Enjoy this time. It is all we have.
admin August 2nd, 2009
Infant
Who can tell you it will be like this?
I have a camera for watching him.
I eavesdrop on his sleep, his soft quick breaths.
Sometimes I love him best this way-
Powered down.
When he wakes I can feel my heart quicken, my body
Warms with apprehension.
He becomes to me a hidden explosive.
Tread softly, I admonish others.
And yet sometimes I love him best just when he wakes.
I race his father to see him.
Hands on the stairs I push my way up
As an animal.
I lift him up and breathe his skin. I celebrate him.
I produce my hip for his seat.
I run toward him and yet away I pull always.
I love you, come here.
I am tired of you, let me be.
Others, watching me, must find me insane.
Perhaps, I think, they are not so incorrect.
admin May 10th, 2009
Today was my first Mother’s Day as a mother. Today my husband rose early to make me breakfast (eggs, strawberry pancakes, biscuits, bacon, coffee, OJ) while also entertaining my 10 month old son sufficiently that he made no protestation loud enough to solicit me from bed. Today I slept in, and I ate well.
Today, after sitting out the morning nap on the couch, I went hiking with my family of three. My son’s first hike was a steep mile long trek to the top of a mountain with a commanding view. Carried in a pack by my husband he made little noise, mesmerized by the new sights and sounds, the people with their dogs and children of all ages, older couples, younger couples, people for whom, like us, mother’s day meant a day outside. At the summit (if such a short “mountain” can have a summit) we looked out over the expanse of city we left behind. The city is always more beautiful from a distance.
I have contemplated upon occasion what animal I would choose to become were I to be banished from the species of human. I have considered puma and bear, horse and antelope. But what I would most like to become, I think, is a falcon. I would like to soar in the wind, circling, diving, eyes sharp as a telephoto lens. It must be exhilarating for a young chick to grow into the realization that she is a falcon. It must be incredible to realize that you can soar. Such gorgeous creatures. Such eloquent engineering. I have seen them fly above me and wondered how differently my world must look to a bird of prey.
Today just as we were thinking of beginning our decent we looked out toward the city spires for one last moment, and there it was, hanging. Just hanging in the sky so still that at first I absurdly thought it a kite. But then my mind saw it for what it was - falcon. She was riding the wind so perfectly, her movements so balanced, that she appeared to hang in the sky, weightless, more ghost than animal. I watched her several minutes as she floated. And then in a movement so swift and confident that I could not help but to let out a collective gasp, she folded her wings and dove. Down, down she dove with incredible speed before again unfolding her wings in the wind to ride the currents. It was truly incredible. I make an effort to consciously file wonderful moments away for times of loss or unhappiness or old age. The idea is that by doing this I might hold onto the memory for a little longer. I hope to keep this one for a long time.
Today was my first Mother’s Day. And though I hate hate hate to admit it, my mother was right. I did not understand her until I became a mother myself. Until I saw this baby boy of mine who smells of bath soap and baby hair, who smiles toothy grins and clings to me and adores me, and thought to the future when he will want his space, when I will be old and weak and embarrassing, until now, I did not know how vulnerable this job would make me. I did not understand how those times I fought to distance myself from her, she was remembering that sweet baby. The one who smelled of bath soap and baby hair. The one smiled toothy grins, who clung to her and adored her.
I will guard myself against the future with days like this, perfect days, days of incredible joy and beauty. I will show these things to my son. I will take him on more hikes. And maybe, just maybe, even when I’m weak and old and embarrassing, he will remember days like this, and he will need to pull away just a little less. Maybe he too will have held on a little to that sweet baby.
Today I took my baby on his first hike. I took him up a mountain to see the city. When I held out my hand he laughed, and grabbed for my finger. Today was my first Mother’s Day.
admin May 7th, 2009
The weather is gorgeous. My baby is happy and healthy. I have a wonderful husband. We have several fun trips planned, and our money situation at least right now is getting better.
I feel lost.
It is coming up on 10 months that I haven’t had a job. And this is really bothering me. I have never NOT had something waiting for me, something to strive for, something concrete when asked my plans. Even in grad school when I hated the work, I had a plan. Why can’t I find something? Do I need professional resume help? Do I need to spend more time looking? How do I do that when I have this baby I need to look after? Do I need to narrow my search? Quit trying to write and just do what I was trained to do? Should I suck it up and sell our house, make my husband quit his job, and move my family to whatever institution will give me a post-doc? God, is it that I am just NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
I feel like there is a train nearby on its way to my ideal life. I can hear this train. I know it is near, but I search and search and just can’t find it. And I know that eventually the train will pass by, and I may never get to that perfect place. Ever. No matter how hard I work, or how badly I want it.
I am forgetting what I learned. I am becoming obsolete.
I can imagine dozens of idyllic paths. I feel paralyzed, knowing that each one necessarily negates the other, and (reality check) right now, I am not on any of them.
One of the things that really bothered me about graduate work was the lack of feedback. Whereas in school, virtually every effort is graded, I felt adrift as a graduate assistant. Was what I was doing right? Could I be doing better? Were the other students better at this than me? Should I be working harder? Where was my A? During the first 2 years or so I drifted slowly slowly into a depression. I sat for hours in front of my computer, listlessly reading, searching for something that would make me feel better. The internet, I must say, never delivered. One day, I sat in my car in front of my house and fantasized about launching myself into the nearby ditch. Fortunately, soon after this incident my advisor and I had a heart to heart and I started to do better.
And now, I have less. Even less. No one knows what I do all day. No one is here to celebrate my accomplishments. There is nothing to add to my resume.
And I am starting to feel that corrosive pull. Those doubts. Those cagey thoughts. Maybe I will never find a job. Maybe I will never get to do what I want. Maybe I should have waited to get pregnant. Maybe I have made a REALLY BIG MISTAKE.
The danger is that it is so subtle, so gradual. It takes time to really lose oneself. I feel the first tiny currents. I know this feeling. What do I do?
admin April 24th, 2009
For some time now I’ve wanted to write a few posts for non-scientific parents with curious kids. You know, good, kid friendly answers to common science-y kid questions like,
Why is my shadow/the moon/that large building following me?
Why is the grass/sky/dirt green/blue/black?
What is a bruise?
What causes the tides?
How does electricity get to our house?
Can you really dig a hole to China?
Why does cinnamon feel hot on my tongue?
How many stars are in the sky?
Etc. etc. etc.
I’d like to present this information in a way kids can understand, but not dumbed down so much that the answer is essentially wrong (as a surprising number of textbooks did when I was young). Additionally, I will include some extra information for the parent, so that the answers can get a little more sophisticated for older children. These should be coming in the next few weeks. I can’t wait.
I also want to start some interesting random experiments and chronicle the process and results here. I was amazed the other day how many people really do not understand that the scientific process can be applied to most any question – not just things like space travel and lasers. (Though really, who doesn’t love a good laser?)
For my first experiment I think I will do a little test on my husband. I’d lay out the groundwork here, but he actually reads this thing from time to time and if the experiment is to work, the subject can’t have prior knowledge.
Is that you honey? Hi there! Feeling OK? Good.
If you have any suggestions, please pass them along.
admin March 19th, 2009
I look at your face and wonder
How will you look in 5 years
And how will you look at me?
I am in there, somewhere, but
Will you ever see it?
Are these games we play
The best for you?
Are there other kids, far away
Or down the street, learning more
Learning faster,
Their moms doing the right things
At the right time?
You are so small yet, you break me already.
You strain around me to find something
A bit more appealing.
You stroke my finger in your sleep.
How much is us and what is you only?
You stroke my finger in your sleep.
admin March 19th, 2009
I recently responded to a friend’s post saying that she was mulling over the stem cell issue that has been in the news recently. The topic is far too complex to examine in a simple comment, however, so I decided to expand on it a little in a separate space.
Let me start with the disclaimers: I am a scientist but have never worked with cells. I don’t have a strong opinion on the morality of this and am just putting down what I know. I am not an expert and don’t pretend to be. This is a very complex issue. Some points may be incorrect - if you are an expert feel free to correct me or point me to a reputable source. I don’t mean to start any kind of argument, get into heated discussions, or otherwise alienate myself or anyone else due to posting on this sensitive subject.
In light of the Obama administration changing W’s ruling on stem cells, there has been some discussion about the issue. I think that’s great. Here’s my take:
Stem cell research has enormous potential for the treatment and prevention of incredibly debilitating, life altering, and life threatening diseases for which we currently have very few treatments. Two of these off the top of my head are Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. Though these diseases commonly afflict older people, this research will potentially also do much to treat diseased children and young people. Millions of fully formed humans are suffering and this research could put this suffering to an end. Right now it is our best shot. This is why there is such a push to do this work.
A stem cell is a cell that has not yet been “told” what kind of cell it is. It could be a bone cell or a muscle cell or a red blood cell. A stem cell has not yet been programmed and this makes it very flexible, and it allows us to study how these things work, and to create treatments.
Under his administration, GW enacted a law stating that the federal government would not fund work with embryonic stem cells created after a certain date. All cells created before this date were fair game, but none of those created afterward. States like CA passed legislation to allow this work to continue there, funded by the state, and private companies could do what they pleased, but federal funds were held back. Obama is working to undo these restrictions and open up the research again. Georgia, by the way, is working to limit such work within the state.
I wrote back to my friend pondering the issue, that fortunately for all, scientists have recently come up with ways to force most any kind of human cell back into the stem cell state, eliminating much of the moral and ethical concerns of embryonic stem cells. And yes, this was in large part to W’s legislation. Why then, would anyone want to start up embryonic stem cell research again?
Scientists are more comfortable with what they know. Using what you know reduces variables and strengthens the results of experiments. What they know are embryonic stem cells. It is likely much quicker, cheaper, and easier to work with these cells. Other cells may have different characteristics that they haven’t yet identified. Money spent on teasing a skin cell to be a stem cell could be spent on something else - say getting the technology to the market. The same goes with the time issue. There may be some other key reasons that I am missing as well. Maybe these other cells don’t work as well, all the time, etc.
Why then can they not just use the ones created before W’s arbitrary date? It seems that in order to do the best research one needs stem cells with different genetic material, and limiting the cells to such a finite pool in some cases limits the research. I’m a little fuzzy on this one, but this is what I gather.
My friend’s actual question was “then why would anyone destroy life…” which opens up the question of what these cells really are, and where they come from.
Some people believe that these embryonic stem cells represent human life. Some people see them (morally) just the same as some cells you might scrape off of your skin or the inside of your mouth. I’m not going to argue with that, but let’s think about what happens to these cells when they are not used for research (research with the goal of saving numerous human lives let’s remember). These cells most often come from IVF clinics. These clinics create and discard numerous “waste” cells in the hopes of getting a very small percentage to be viable enough to make a baby. The fate of the other cells is one of three: disposed of as bio-waste, frozen indefinitely, or research. What to do with these cells really is a problem, and many see important research is the answer. Perhaps destroying or freezing (forever?) is better, I don’t know, but the fact remains that these cells are being created whether or not they are used and something has to be done with them.
(I am not going to judge IVF treatments, but it has always puzzled me how you can be in full support of IVF and against embryonic stem cell research when it is the IVF creating the cells to be destroyed in the first place. )
These new technologies (creating stem cells from adult human cells) also shine a new light on the moral and ethical value of embryonic stem cells in general. If an adult muscle or kidney or blood cell can look and act and *be* exactly the same as an embryonic stem cell, then are these as special as we thought? Are all cells then just as much a potential human life?
Complex. I told you.
The reason why Obama is opening up this research again is that whether or not you agree with it, federally funding embryonic stem cell research is, right now, the most direct route to treating and preventing diseases that (fully formed human) people have and are dying from every day. Maybe this is morally wrong. I don’t know and am not going to weigh in on that, but this fact remains.
Please don’t flame me.
admin January 15th, 2009
Disclaimer: This information is intended for general information purposes only and is not intended to replace that provided by a medical professional. For information, visit the American Cancer Society at www.cancer.org or the national cancer institute at www.cancer.gov.
According to the American Cancer Society statistics on cancer death in the U.S. from 1999-2001, one in every three women, and one in every two men will develop cancer in their lifetime. Statistically, if a man in the US manages to avoid all other preventable causes of death, he will die of prostate cancer.
You may think of cancer, as I once did, as a disease that either you have or you don’t. Like a parasitic bacterium unknowingly picked up from a door knob, I thought, one day you are cancer free, and the next, though you might not know it yet, it’s there. And just as one salmonella bacterium will look and act the same as most every other salmonella bacterium, it makes sense that one man’s cancer should look just like another man’s disease. It turns out that cancer (at least as we currently understand it) is not like that at all.
Cancer is not a single disease, but a term used to describe a collection of over 100 related diseases. What these share in common is rogue cells. As described by the National Cancer Institute, “The body is made up of many types of cells. These cells grow and divide in a controlled way to produce more cells as they are needed to keep the body healthy. When cells become old or damaged, they die and are replaced with new cells.” And so it goes, over and over, until something goes wrong. A cell’s DNA is changed so that it no longer follows the rules, and it starts growing too quickly, or dividing much faster than it should, or not dying when it should, or sometimes, wandering off to grow someplace where it doesn’t belong.
Normally, this doesn’t happen in one shot. Due to the body’s incredible system of safeguards, small DNA mutations can be kept in check. For example, if a cell’s DNA is changed such that the genes that regulate growth are damaged and it grows too fast, other genes produce signals to slow growth, kill the cell, or repair the damage. Therefore, it requires a succession of events to give rise to cancer. Not only must cells’ genes that regulate growth and division be changed, but the genes that normally protect and repair the cells, or kill the unhealthy ones, must be damaged as well. Colon cancer, for example, is a prototype for cancer progression. As many as six to eight specific mutations are necessary to give rise to a fully invasive growth. This is why the terms “precancerous” and “benign” tumor are used. A benign tumor is not cancerous, and cells from these tumors are rarely a threat to life, but such “precancerous” tissue can indicate that the path to cancer has begun. There is not a clear line of demarcation between benign and cancerous cells or tissue. If these cells are not removed, additional genetic mutations could give rise to malignant, or cancerous, tissue. Cancer, then, is a multi-step process.
So then, how do these mutations occur? Anything that can change or damage cell DNA can produce cancer. Inherited genetic mutations are probably the most commonly known, though these are a minority compared to those that are caused by environmental factors. Other causes include damaging radiation, viruses, cellular trauma, tumor promoting chemicals, and some metals. Even if these don’t get you, statistics will. Every time a cell divides, there is a chance that it will make a mistake. This is the reason that age is the single greatest risk factor for cancer. For every additional year of our lives, the chance that these mistakes will occur increases exponentially.
To further complicate the issue, not all the cells in a cancerous tumor necessarily have the same mutations. Say for example that the genes that code for cell damage prevention are mutated in a lung cell. This cell then goes on to produce more cells with the same mutation. Then, one of these cells develops another mutation such that a controlling checkpoint no longer works, and unhealthy cells do not die. Again, these mutations are repeated over and over as the cell replicates itself. Finally, a virus comes along and inserts some DNA into one of these cells that tells it to divide many more times than normal, while another cell is damaged by a chemical such that it grows too fast. These cells are then uniformly identified as “lung cancer”, but their DNA and behavior are not the same. Similarly, cancerous cells that originate in the lungs possess different biochemistry and genes than those that originate, for instance, in the liver.
All of these factors combine to produce a disease that is very difficult to eliminate. Chemotherapy drugs that kill one type of cancer cell may not be effective on another. Additionally, the same drugs that initially treat one diagnosed form of cancer may actually promote another later on. It is not uncommon that a chemotherapy agent is also a known carcinogen.
But it is not all bad news. There are things we can do to protect ourselves, such as limiting exposure to carcinogens, eating foods that combat harmful chemicals, and aiding our doctors in early detection. Also, supported by billions of dollars in funds, cancer researchers are making huge breakthroughs in understanding and treatment. Chemotherapy cocktails have had success where single therapies had little effect. Researchers are hoping that soon personal and localized treatments will work more effectively and improve patient quality of life. Early reports indicate that these efforts are working.
Cancer, while common, is complex and often misunderstood. I hope that this little bit of information has helped to clarify some of the more common misconceptions regarding this disease
admin January 11th, 2009
The below paragraph is an excerpt from a paper I wrote several years ago (therefore the older statistics), but after digging it up and re-reading it, I find it still quite relevant. Around election time, opponents of the Obama administration frequently spoke to me of their fear that his policies would set an uncomfortable precedent towards socialism. In every great civilization, one of the key indicators of internal weakness cited by historians is a large gulf between the wealthy and the poor. Though I don’t have the most recent statistics, I do not think that these numbers have changed much since the study dates.
“In the meritocracy of the US, we value not necessarily social equality, but social mobility. Although not everyone can be president, anyone can, or so the thinking goes. In actuality, both social equality and social mobility are declining in the US. The past several presidents have been the progeny of elite families and Ivy League schools. Economist Magazine cites the Economic Policy Institute’s figures that while between the years 1979 and 2000, the income of households in the lowest fifth of earners increased by 6.4%, that of households in the top fifth grew by70%, with those in the top 1% growing by an astounding 184%. A later study found that from 1979-1998 70% of bottom tier sons moved up the ladder more often than their fathers had. As reasons for these statistics, many point to our stratified and struggling education system. Public school funds are often tied to property taxes, hitting those in lower income areas the most, and government funds once aimed at these students are now getting converted into loans. Even affirmative action dollars are now decreasingly reasonable proxies for social disadvantage.”
admin October 4th, 2008
I know that I risk losing whatever readership I currently have here, as well as producing all kinds of trollish comments with this post, but what else are anonymous blogs for?
I have read several times on other blogs mothers asking in earnest what to say to their children about death if they feel uncomfortable with the usual Christian story of heaven. If you don’t truly believe that we all (or all the “good” people, however you define that) go to float amongst the clouds with our other good relatives and friends in a state of bliss, what do you say? Is it better to tell children this, just to alleviate fears?
I have never and will never agree with purposely lying to children. Children of all people are seeking to find their way, seeking for truths, figuring out the world they live in. They are also much smarter than many give them credit for. If any question deserves a careful and truthful answer, this is it.
I can’t presume to know your family, your beliefs, or your child. So let me just put down here what I hope to be able to impart to my child when that day comes.
Death is when living things stop living. They do not come back. Death can be sad because we miss those who die, but the dead feel no pain. It is those left behind who feel pain after death. We must all die, but people usually live a nice long time. Death is not always a bad thing. It reminds us that life is precious and should not be wasted. It allows for new people, plants and animals to have a turn at living. Leaves fall from the trees in winter so that new leaves grow in the spring. These new leaves make the tree stronger. So it goes with people as well. We die to allow space to the living. We should not fear death so much as celebrate life. A life spent fearing death is wasted.
Whatever we do in the world is the way we imprint our lives; it is our immortality. Our children, our deeds good and bad, those we influence, that is how we continue.
On heaven, you are free to come to your own conclusion, but know that I do not think that heaven is a truth. I think that it is a pretty idea that can make people feel better, but a false idea. There are too many problems with heaven. Some people believe that animals cannot get into heaven because they are different from people. Some people believe that if you don’t believe certain things, you don’t get to go to heaven either. No place could be pleasant for me without animals, and without my friends and family, whatever their beliefs. So I cannot conceive of such a heaven. A heaven where animals and those with different beliefs are allowed likewise would not be suitable for other people. There can be no perfect paradise for all.
We must therefore strive to make our lives and those of others as much of a paradise as possible. Life is such an incredible gift. We must make treasure our lives. We must help others to treasure theirs.
We are born into different circumstances. Because we have been given so many things, it is our responsibility to help those who were not so lucky. That is the burden of the gifted. We do this not because we are trying to buy our way into paradise; we do this because it is the only way to make this life as good as it can be for us and those around us. We do this because death is the end for us, but others keep on living. We do this in memory of those we loved, so that their good deeds are not wasted.
Death is sad, but only because life is so wonderful. Death is the payment you make for life. I think that it’s a good deal.