Archive for the 'Deep Thoughts' Category

To my son (2.5)

admin April 8th, 2011

I wanted to write a letter to you but
How can a mother tell her child how it feels
To tousle his soft hair, his thick mousy mane, in her hands,
To watch in the dim light of morning his chest flutter,
His eyelids stretched and translucent, mouth compressed,
How can I tell you how sweet are the moments when he reaches out
Just a finger to hold, or perhaps a treasure,
Offers up a sadness to be comforted,
And best of all that wonder of
The devotion your child feels, that boundless love, regiven;
The nostalgia of joy and awe echoed in
The face of her child, the one she made together
With the only other human she loves, almost
Almost as much as his son?

A new deal

admin September 17th, 2010

I can hardly believe that in a few months I will have done this professional writing thing for a full year.

All of it, the move, the worry, the excitement, and the frustrations of those first few weeks seem still so acute, so recent. Perhaps all this is because I am still unsure – unsure of where I will go from here, unsure of what I want to do.

I love writing. And I’m good at it. I always thought so before, but now I have some empirical evidence. And that feels good.

The problem is that I miss my son. Every. Single. Day. I know that many working mothers miss their kids. I know that many mothers work and have kids and do both well. I know that we will adapt. Hell, I think we already have. The pain of our separation has lessened, and my son seems resigned to the fact that his mother will leave him in the morning.

The problem with me is that I know what I am missing. I took care of him every day for 18 months and I know exactly what it means to stay at home with a child. I know how it feels to never get a shower and wear ill fitting clothes and worry about money and have food and dirt on me and not have adult conversation and have a cranky sick or teething kid, to change diapers and play the same games over and over. But I know that as much as I thought I would dislike all of that, I absolutely loved being, every day, with my child. I also know how it feels to have private jokes and conversations, to have him wake up and see me and smile, to know what is going on in his head, to have playdates, to see him delight in the wind, an ant, a hose, to see him confident in me, sure that I will never leave him.

I left him, and I know what I am missing.

I am missing the depth of knowledge of my son that I had when I was with him most every day. Knowing him like that made me, I am sure, a better mother. When he acted or reacted, I had a larger library of knowledge from which to draw. I knew what he had eaten and how well he had slept and what he had just learned, who he had played with and what had happened and I could put his behavior into context. My library is now incomplete. Parts of my son are lost to me.

I am missing opportunities to teach in those moments that present themselves suddenly, and without warning. I was with him when he walked and talked, found spiders, encountered new people, discovered rain, and tasted cookies. He fell and looked at me. I guided him every day. My mother is doing that now. And though she loves my son and she has been a mother, she is not me, and she does not teach the same things in the same way. And I think I am better.

I miss cooking, for him and with him. I worry about what he eats. My mother does not know about nutrition and she doesn’t take him to play dates. He is lonlier now. He is without other children. I worry.

And I can’t even think about having another child, a child I want, when I don’t feel like I have enough time with one.

So I am left to decide where to do from here. I love writing. I love my child. I am working on a solution. Maybe I can freelance. Maybe I can work three days a week. I will do something. Because as much as I love writing, I don’t love it more than mothering my child. And this is a surprise to me.

This is your life

admin July 1st, 2010

I forget sometimes that this minute is just as much my life as the next. In planning our lives, we must remember that we are also living them. So to you I say, travel, exalt, dance to music, laugh with friends, and get messy. Enjoy this time. It is all we have.

Infant

admin August 2nd, 2009

Infant

Who can tell you it will be like this?
I have a camera for watching him.
I eavesdrop on his sleep, his soft quick breaths.
Sometimes I love him best this way-
Powered down.
When he wakes I can feel my heart quicken, my body
Warms with apprehension.
He becomes to me a hidden explosive.
Tread softly, I admonish others.

And yet sometimes I love him best just when he wakes.
I race his father to see him.
Hands on the stairs I push my way up
As an animal.
I lift him up and breathe his skin. I celebrate him.
I produce my hip for his seat.
I run toward him and yet away I pull always.
I love you, come here.
I am tired of you, let me be.
Others, watching me, must find me insane.
Perhaps, I think, they are not so incorrect.

My First

admin May 10th, 2009

Today was my first Mother’s Day as a mother. Today my husband rose early to make me breakfast (eggs, strawberry pancakes, biscuits, bacon, coffee, OJ) while also entertaining my 10 month old son sufficiently that he made no protestation loud enough to solicit me from bed. Today I slept in, and I ate well.

Today, after sitting out the morning nap on the couch, I went hiking with my family of three. My son’s first hike was a steep mile long trek to the top of a mountain with a commanding view. Carried in a pack by my husband he made little noise, mesmerized by the new sights and sounds, the people with their dogs and children of all ages, older couples, younger couples, people for whom, like us, mother’s day meant a day outside. At the summit (if such a short “mountain” can have a summit) we looked out over the expanse of city we left behind. The city is always more beautiful from a distance.

I have contemplated upon occasion what animal I would choose to become were I to be banished from the species of human. I have considered puma and bear, horse and antelope. But what I would most like to become, I think, is a falcon. I would like to soar in the wind, circling, diving, eyes sharp as a telephoto lens. It must be exhilarating for a young chick to grow into the realization that she is a falcon. It must be incredible to realize that you can soar. Such gorgeous creatures. Such eloquent engineering. I have seen them fly above me and wondered how differently my world must look to a bird of prey.

Today just as we were thinking of beginning our decent we looked out toward the city spires for one last moment, and there it was, hanging. Just hanging in the sky so still that at first I absurdly thought it a kite. But then my mind saw it for what it was - falcon. She was riding the wind so perfectly, her movements so balanced, that she appeared to hang in the sky, weightless, more ghost than animal. I watched her several minutes as she floated. And then in a movement so swift and confident that I could not help but to let out a collective gasp, she folded her wings and dove. Down, down she dove with incredible speed before again unfolding her wings in the wind to ride the currents. It was truly incredible. I make an effort to consciously file wonderful moments away for times of loss or unhappiness or old age. The idea is that by doing this I might hold onto the memory for a little longer. I hope to keep this one for a long time.

Today was my first Mother’s Day. And though I hate hate hate to admit it, my mother was right. I did not understand her until I became a mother myself. Until I saw this baby boy of mine who smells of bath soap and baby hair, who smiles toothy grins and clings to me and adores me, and thought to the future when he will want his space, when I will be old and weak and embarrassing, until now, I did not know how vulnerable this job would make me. I did not understand how those times I fought to distance myself from her, she was remembering that sweet baby. The one who smelled of bath soap and baby hair. The one smiled toothy grins, who clung to her and adored her.

I will guard myself against the future with days like this, perfect days, days of incredible joy and beauty. I will show these things to my son. I will take him on more hikes. And maybe, just maybe, even when I’m weak and old and embarrassing, he will remember days like this, and he will need to pull away just a little less. Maybe he too will have held on a little to that sweet baby.

Today I took my baby on his first hike. I took him up a mountain to see the city. When I held out my hand he laughed, and grabbed for my finger. Today was my first Mother’s Day.

Erosion

admin May 7th, 2009

The weather is gorgeous. My baby is happy and healthy. I have a wonderful husband. We have several fun trips planned, and our money situation at least right now is getting better.

I feel lost.

It is coming up on 10 months that I haven’t had a job. And this is really bothering me. I have never NOT had something waiting for me, something to strive for, something concrete when asked my plans. Even in grad school when I hated the work, I had a plan. Why can’t I find something? Do I need professional resume help? Do I need to spend more time looking? How do I do that when I have this baby I need to look after? Do I need to narrow my search? Quit trying to write and just do what I was trained to do? Should I suck it up and sell our house, make my husband quit his job, and move my family to whatever institution will give me a post-doc? God, is it that I am just NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

I feel like there is a train nearby on its way to my ideal life. I can hear this train. I know it is near, but I search and search and just can’t find it. And I know that eventually the train will pass by, and I may never get to that perfect place. Ever. No matter how hard I work, or how badly I want it.

I am forgetting what I learned. I am becoming obsolete.

I can imagine dozens of idyllic paths. I feel paralyzed, knowing that each one necessarily negates the other, and (reality check) right now, I am not on any of them.

One of the things that really bothered me about graduate work was the lack of feedback. Whereas in school, virtually every effort is graded, I felt adrift as a graduate assistant. Was what I was doing right? Could I be doing better? Were the other students better at this than me? Should I be working harder? Where was my A? During the first 2 years or so I drifted slowly slowly into a depression. I sat for hours in front of my computer, listlessly reading, searching for something that would make me feel better. The internet, I must say, never delivered. One day, I sat in my car in front of my house and fantasized about launching myself into the nearby ditch. Fortunately, soon after this incident my advisor and I had a heart to heart and I started to do better.

And now, I have less. Even less. No one knows what I do all day. No one is here to celebrate my accomplishments. There is nothing to add to my resume.

And I am starting to feel that corrosive pull. Those doubts. Those cagey thoughts. Maybe I will never find a job. Maybe I will never get to do what I want. Maybe I should have waited to get pregnant. Maybe I have made a REALLY BIG MISTAKE.

The danger is that it is so subtle, so gradual. It takes time to really lose oneself. I feel the first tiny currents. I know this feeling. What do I do?

Things to Come

admin April 24th, 2009

For some time now I’ve wanted to write a few posts for non-scientific parents with curious kids. You know, good, kid friendly answers to common science-y kid questions like,

Why is my shadow/the moon/that large building following me?
Why is the grass/sky/dirt green/blue/black?
What is a bruise?
What causes the tides?
How does electricity get to our house?
Can you really dig a hole to China?
Why does cinnamon feel hot on my tongue?
How many stars are in the sky?

Etc. etc. etc.

I’d like to present this information in a way kids can understand, but not dumbed down so much that the answer is essentially wrong (as a surprising number of textbooks did when I was young). Additionally, I will include some extra information for the parent, so that the answers can get a little more sophisticated for older children. These should be coming in the next few weeks. I can’t wait.

I also want to start some interesting random experiments and chronicle the process and results here. I was amazed the other day how many people really do not understand that the scientific process can be applied to most any question – not just things like space travel and lasers. (Though really, who doesn’t love a good laser?)

For my first experiment I think I will do a little test on my husband. I’d lay out the groundwork here, but he actually reads this thing from time to time and if the experiment is to work, the subject can’t have prior knowledge.

Is that you honey? Hi there! Feeling OK? Good.

If you have any suggestions, please pass them along.

Love Poem, Contemplative

admin March 19th, 2009

I look at your face and wonder
How will you look in 5 years
And how will you look at me?
I am in there, somewhere, but
Will you ever see it?
Are these games we play
The best for you?
Are there other kids, far away
Or down the street, learning more
Learning faster,
Their moms doing the right things
At the right time?
You are so small yet, you break me already.
You strain around me to find something
A bit more appealing.
You stroke my finger in your sleep.
How much is us and what is you only?
You stroke my finger in your sleep.

What I Know About Stem Cells

admin March 19th, 2009

I recently responded to a friend’s post saying that she was mulling over the stem cell issue that has been in the news recently. The topic is far too complex to examine in a simple comment, however, so I decided to expand on it a little in a separate space.

Let me start with the disclaimers: I am a scientist but have never worked with cells. I don’t have a strong opinion on the morality of this and am just putting down what I know. I am not an expert and don’t pretend to be. This is a very complex issue. Some points may be incorrect - if you are an expert feel free to correct me or point me to a reputable source. I don’t mean to start any kind of argument, get into heated discussions, or otherwise alienate myself or anyone else due to posting on this sensitive subject.

In light of the Obama administration changing W’s ruling on stem cells, there has been some discussion about the issue. I think that’s great. Here’s my take:

Stem cell research has enormous potential for the treatment and prevention of incredibly debilitating, life altering, and life threatening diseases for which we currently have very few treatments. Two of these off the top of my head are Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. Though these diseases commonly afflict older people, this research will potentially also do much to treat diseased children and young people. Millions of fully formed humans are suffering and this research could put this suffering to an end. Right now it is our best shot. This is why there is such a push to do this work.

A stem cell is a cell that has not yet been “told” what kind of cell it is. It could be a bone cell or a muscle cell or a red blood cell. A stem cell has not yet been programmed and this makes it very flexible, and it allows us to study how these things work, and to create treatments.

Under his administration, GW enacted a law stating that the federal government would not fund work with embryonic stem cells created after a certain date. All cells created before this date were fair game, but none of those created afterward. States like CA passed legislation to allow this work to continue there, funded by the state, and private companies could do what they pleased, but federal funds were held back. Obama is working to undo these restrictions and open up the research again. Georgia, by the way, is working to limit such work within the state.

I wrote back to my friend pondering the issue, that fortunately for all, scientists have recently come up with ways to force most any kind of human cell back into the stem cell state, eliminating much of the moral and ethical concerns of embryonic stem cells. And yes, this was in large part to W’s legislation. Why then, would anyone want to start up embryonic stem cell research again?

Scientists are more comfortable with what they know. Using what you know reduces variables and strengthens the results of experiments. What they know are embryonic stem cells. It is likely much quicker, cheaper, and easier to work with these cells. Other cells may have different characteristics that they haven’t yet identified. Money spent on teasing a skin cell to be a stem cell could be spent on something else - say getting the technology to the market. The same goes with the time issue. There may be some other key reasons that I am missing as well. Maybe these other cells don’t work as well, all the time, etc.

Why then can they not just use the ones created before W’s arbitrary date? It seems that in order to do the best research one needs stem cells with different genetic material, and limiting the cells to such a finite pool in some cases limits the research. I’m a little fuzzy on this one, but this is what I gather.

My friend’s actual question was “then why would anyone destroy life…” which opens up the question of what these cells really are, and where they come from.

Some people believe that these embryonic stem cells represent human life. Some people see them (morally) just the same as some cells you might scrape off of your skin or the inside of your mouth. I’m not going to argue with that, but let’s think about what happens to these cells when they are not used for research (research with the goal of saving numerous human lives let’s remember). These cells most often come from IVF clinics. These clinics create and discard numerous “waste” cells in the hopes of getting a very small percentage to be viable enough to make a baby. The fate of the other cells is one of three: disposed of as bio-waste, frozen indefinitely, or research. What to do with these cells really is a problem, and many see important research is the answer. Perhaps destroying or freezing (forever?) is better, I don’t know, but the fact remains that these cells are being created whether or not they are used and something has to be done with them.

(I am not going to judge IVF treatments, but it has always puzzled me how you can be in full support of IVF and against embryonic stem cell research when it is the IVF creating the cells to be destroyed in the first place. )

These new technologies (creating stem cells from adult human cells) also shine a new light on the moral and ethical value of embryonic stem cells in general. If an adult muscle or kidney or blood cell can look and act and *be* exactly the same as an embryonic stem cell, then are these as special as we thought? Are all cells then just as much a potential human life?

Complex. I told you.

The reason why Obama is opening up this research again is that whether or not you agree with it, federally funding embryonic stem cell research is, right now, the most direct route to treating and preventing diseases that (fully formed human) people have and are dying from every day. Maybe this is morally wrong. I don’t know and am not going to weigh in on that, but this fact remains.

Please don’t flame me.

The Health of Our Civilization

admin January 11th, 2009

The below paragraph is an excerpt from a paper I wrote several years ago (therefore the older statistics), but after digging it up and re-reading it, I find it still quite relevant. Around election time, opponents of the Obama administration frequently spoke to me of their fear that his policies would set an uncomfortable precedent towards socialism. In every great civilization, one of the key indicators of internal weakness cited by historians is a large gulf between the wealthy and the poor. Though I don’t have the most recent statistics, I do not think that these numbers have changed much since the study dates.

“In the meritocracy of the US, we value not necessarily social equality, but social mobility. Although not everyone can be president, anyone can, or so the thinking goes. In actuality, both social equality and social mobility are declining in the US. The past several presidents have been the progeny of elite families and Ivy League schools. Economist Magazine cites the Economic Policy Institute’s figures that while between the years 1979 and 2000, the income of households in the lowest fifth of earners increased by 6.4%, that of households in the top fifth grew by70%, with those in the top 1% growing by an astounding 184%. A later study found that from 1979-1998 70% of bottom tier sons moved up the ladder more often than their fathers had. As reasons for these statistics, many point to our stratified and struggling education system. Public school funds are often tied to property taxes, hitting those in lower income areas the most, and government funds once aimed at these students are now getting converted into loans. Even affirmative action dollars are now decreasingly reasonable proxies for social disadvantage.”

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