Erosion
admin May 7th, 2009
The weather is gorgeous. My baby is happy and healthy. I have a wonderful husband. We have several fun trips planned, and our money situation at least right now is getting better.
I feel lost.
It is coming up on 10 months that I haven’t had a job. And this is really bothering me. I have never NOT had something waiting for me, something to strive for, something concrete when asked my plans. Even in grad school when I hated the work, I had a plan. Why can’t I find something? Do I need professional resume help? Do I need to spend more time looking? How do I do that when I have this baby I need to look after? Do I need to narrow my search? Quit trying to write and just do what I was trained to do? Should I suck it up and sell our house, make my husband quit his job, and move my family to whatever institution will give me a post-doc? God, is it that I am just NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
I feel like there is a train nearby on its way to my ideal life. I can hear this train. I know it is near, but I search and search and just can’t find it. And I know that eventually the train will pass by, and I may never get to that perfect place. Ever. No matter how hard I work, or how badly I want it.
I am forgetting what I learned. I am becoming obsolete.
I can imagine dozens of idyllic paths. I feel paralyzed, knowing that each one necessarily negates the other, and (reality check) right now, I am not on any of them.
One of the things that really bothered me about graduate work was the lack of feedback. Whereas in school, virtually every effort is graded, I felt adrift as a graduate assistant. Was what I was doing right? Could I be doing better? Were the other students better at this than me? Should I be working harder? Where was my A? During the first 2 years or so I drifted slowly slowly into a depression. I sat for hours in front of my computer, listlessly reading, searching for something that would make me feel better. The internet, I must say, never delivered. One day, I sat in my car in front of my house and fantasized about launching myself into the nearby ditch. Fortunately, soon after this incident my advisor and I had a heart to heart and I started to do better.
And now, I have less. Even less. No one knows what I do all day. No one is here to celebrate my accomplishments. There is nothing to add to my resume.
And I am starting to feel that corrosive pull. Those doubts. Those cagey thoughts. Maybe I will never find a job. Maybe I will never get to do what I want. Maybe I should have waited to get pregnant. Maybe I have made a REALLY BIG MISTAKE.
The danger is that it is so subtle, so gradual. It takes time to really lose oneself. I feel the first tiny currents. I know this feeling. What do I do?
PA,
I understand. I could have written this post not too long ago. Heck, there are still some days when I come close to feeling like this.
I’s so hard, being home all day with the baby–especially after you’ve stepped away from an ambitious, defined career track. I, too, need to feel that I have a plan (whether or not the plan ever comes to pass is a different thing entirely…)
You say that you want to write. A few posts ago, you detailed some wonderful plans to write a series of posts on “good, kid friendly answers to common science-y kid questions.” Do it. I myself would love to know why “cinnamon feels hot on my tongue.” Use this place to explore and practice your skills. When you feel comfortable, start querying magazines/websites/outlets.
When I was home with the kids and feeling adrift, I started investigating online writing work. My posts about it are up on “The Alternative Scientist” blog. Check the job listings at the websites for The Council of Science Editors and the American Medical Writers Association (if you have a biomedical background, that is). If you have a biomedical background, also go to Emma Hitt’s Medical writing website and register for her weekly job list e-mails. Do this not so much to get a job, but to understand and prepare yourself for writing jobs out there.
This is just friendly advice if you are interested in this type of scientific writing work (I think you are?)
And get out of the house! Do you belong to any local mothers’ groups? I belong to a chapter of Mothers and More, and it totally saved my sanity my first year home with the kids!
Look into volunteering opportunities–maybe you’ll find something that dovetails with your long-term career goals? Or just volunteer or join a club for fun?
Remember to take time for yourself, your own interests and goals, while you are raising your child.
I know that this is all common-sense stuff you’ve probably heard dozens of times before. But I’m not original, so I’ll say it again =)
You have a beautiful writing voice, PA. I’m sure that you could make good use of it, in whatever medium you choose (if that’s what you want).
*Hug*. You have my e-mail.
Best,
bean-mom
Oh Bean Mom - Thank you so much. And such wonderful advice. It is sometimes so important to hear, “Yes, you can do it. Now go.”
You *can* do it!