admin September 27th, 2008
Next week I go to interview for a postdoc position. The position fits well with what I have already done, but leaves plenty of room for further growth and learning. It would be with a large and very highly respected lab with plenty of funding, working for a rather famous professor who is apparently a great guy. Furthermore, this position would allow me to stay where I am for the next two years, certainly a good thing, and it would pay me double what I was making previously, meaning that the pay would effectively allow me to contribute the same amount I did prior to funding childcare.
The thing is I’m not sure I want it.
I sometimes wonder if highly educated people fall into the trap of too much delayed gratification. All our lives we are told that if we work hard, if we study, if we stay the course now, we will be rewarded in the future. What no one tells us is exactly what day “the future” is. When do we stop preparing for our lives and realize that that life we had been preparing for? It’s right now. We’re living it.
Academia is one of the worst examples of delayed gratification. Most people see a college degree as a real accomplishment. To rise in academia you have to receive your undergrad degree from a good school, usually as one of the top in your class, then be admitted and excel in graduate school, spend a year or two (minimum) working as a post-doc, then get lucky enough to be hired as an assistant professor where you must work hard to prove yourself worthy of tenure. And the sad thing is, after all of that, some realize that it isn’t what they really want to do. All that hard work, that keeping their head down, that playing the rules just right, was just preventing them from discovering what it was they really enjoyed. And sometimes, it is too late.
I don’t want to be one of those people.
If somehow I was independently wealthy I would paint, sculpt, and write. I would write about science, mostly, and maybe later a novel. I would travel and take photographs that would then be showcased in small galleries, along with my other work. I would design interiors and children’s clothes. I would host and attend scientific conferences, schedule political debates, and spend my free time helping out at the Humane Society, and Habitat for Humanity. This would be during normal working ours since of course after work and on weekends would be reserved for my husband, my son, and our adopted dogs. For vacation we would head either to the sea for alternatively, relaxation and adventure, or to a farm so that I could nourish things, feed them, and watch them grow. Oh, and ride the horses. Every day I would ride the horses.
I know that this utopian life is fantasy, but I feel that my vision demonstrates some things about me that I should not ignore. I want to create, I want to lead, and I want to contribute. I want to explore difficult problems and see concrete results.
The problem with lab work is that it is mostly not creative. Progress is gradual. Even huge breakthroughs come about only after all the menial obstacles have been overcome. Results are not concrete, nor immediate. I don’t like lab work. I like thinking about complex problems. I like learning new things. I don’t like tinkering.
Here I am, rambling away. It is just that now I think it is the time for me to sit back and be rewarded. My life should I think start now, before 30. If I must leave my son, it should be for a good reason. And this interview does not represent this idea. I am excited only about the prospect of money. I feel shackled. What it is I want to do I cannot claim to be fully qualified. I would love to be a science writer or editor, but there are plenty more who look better on paper because I have dutifully followed a path I no longer care to take. Do I stay the path, or do I risk the forest? Perhaps just a little way down the path there is a clearing; perhaps the path just takes me deeper.
I want to love my job. I want to get paid for my good work. Why does that have to be so difficult?