Clawing, but not Climbing
admin May 28th, 2008
So I am having a pretty tough time. My advisor seems to think that I am out to subvert him. Really, I just want to make him happy so that I can get out of here. I am under enormous stress. He just sent me a two paragraph admonition for using one word rather than another in a single sentence in my second chapter. I am REALLY hoping that our email communication is being somewhat misinterpreted by me, and he’s really not as mad as I think he is.
I just don’t understand what happened. We had a scientific disagreement, and after futilely arguing my point, I backed down and agreed to change. Now he seems to think I am wholly untrustworthy and that all of my work is no good. Just a few weeks ago he thought the highest of me and now it seems that I am a rouge student, or maybe just incredibly stupid?
I keep hearing that this will end, that it will be OK, that I just need to do what is necessary and it will be over. I can’t keep from stressing out about all this anyway. It is not the extra work, or the fact that I have to draw conclusions I’m not sure about, it is the loss of respect of someone I respected and trusted that really gets to me. And I have no idea how to get it back.
My advisor has decided that he will need to re-read the entire document to make sure that I say the right things before sending it out to my committee. So far I have only received notice about the offending word. I sent initial revisions it out to him in haste, hoping he would read it quickly so that could set a new date. I also hoped to let him know that I was actually changing things, despite his worries of my subversion. Now I am in fear now of other small errors that he will find due to my hurry.
I spent all my holiday working on this, and worrying about it so much that I didn’t sleep. Then I read about how bad stress is for your baby. So I stress out about stressing out the baby. Then I stress out that the stress will make the baby come early or that my defense will be much later, and I’ll really be screwed then. If I wasn’t so close to the end I’d quit.
I know that a PhD is not nor is supposed to be easy. I know that the dissertation and defense are a trial for every one. I just didn’t think it was supposed to be a personally degrading experience. I thought that work and preparation would serve me as they always have. I didn’t think it would be about personalities and egos. I thought that prior excellence would hold me through even difficult trials. Is this the way it is with other people? Have other people met these sorts of difficulties? My husband says my advisor is an ass, but he’s not. Until now I have really liked him. People don’t just become an ass overnight. So is something wrong with me? Am I really as horrible as he makes me feel? Please someone tell me that I am not the only one with these experiences.
This is the suddenly insane one, right? You’re not the only one with these bizarre experiences, really. You know the joke: ‘The reason the fights in academia are so vicious is because the stakes are so small.’ I think if you have never met such difficulties before you have been very lucky in avoiding nasty academic politics.
Fortunately, I only have the one advisor, but I intend to make whatever changes he wants. Also fortunately, I don’t anticipate him being insane about it, but no-one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition either.
I hope this guy wises up and deals with it, for your sake and for a speedy defense!
Your blog is interesting!
Keep up the good work!