Archive for April, 2008

Teach a man to fish

admin April 24th, 2008

I have a dear friend who I very much enjoy, though we are in many ways opposites. She always looks put-together. I clean up well but usually spill something on myself in the course of a meal. She is tall and curvy. I am not. She shares the mysterious female psyche, and I like my male friends often have no idea how inputs match the outputs. But she is fun. And we have known each other a long time. And I can be completely myself around her – my goofy, extroverted, say what I am thinking self. And most of the time we really enjoy ourselves.

But she has some issues.

She does not do well with stress. It seems she has a “personal crisis” at least once every couple of months. She’s volatile. Sometimes she will be terribly hurt by some esoteric action or comment, which the offending person has no idea has transpired. She does not do well with criticism and she is the world’s longest holder of grudges.

Also

She has attended over 20 weddings, many as the maid of honor, and now several baby showers. She is the ultimate hostess, but never the guest of honor. She has never had a real boyfriend. She has never had sex. There is nothing she’d rather do than be a stay at home mommy with a loving husband and a couple of kids, but she’s pushing 30 and there is nothing going on in that department. She sees everyone else getting what she most wants, and she’s just not getting it.

So she asks me, “What am I doing wrong?” And the thing is I know what she is doing wrong. I could give her a list that would put her well on her way to having a great time, to finding someone special, to attracting those special people to her. I could actually help my dear friend find what she wants most.

But I don’t do it.

I don’t do it because I know that it would kill our friendship. Even if she ended up following my recipe exactly, all ties would be cut. I would have hurt her so badly, that she would never forgive me. So I keep my mouth shut, and watch, hoping that she’ll find her way in the dark as so many of us have done successfully, watching her bump around a room and never quite finding the door.

And in some ways I believe that this is her responsibility. This is her life, and I am not required to step in and repair it. But what are friends for, if not a helping hand, a voice of reason, a safety net, at new perspective? And I’m the honest friend. The one you go to if you actually do want to know if those pants make your butt look fat, or if you really are not sure about that guy or that job or those people down the street. Who else will help her rescue herself but me? And I don’t do it. I don’t.

Selfish and chickenshit.

On the pregnancy

admin April 17th, 2008

I hope I don’t offend all those poor women out there who had or are going through horrible terrible times while pregnant. Just like getting pregnant on the first try, I am again screwing with the average.

I love being pregnant.

I love that I burn an extra 300 calories a day without doing any additional working out. I love feeling the little alien in my belly poke, bump, and roll around. I am not sick, short of breath, depressed, moody, or bloated. I finally have something to talk about to complete strangers. I don’t have stretch marks (yessss!!). Thanks to generous offerings from past pregnant women, I have an entirely new wardrobe that I didn’t have to purchase. People are friendly and offer to give me free beverages if I am waiting for someone in a restaurant. (I am hoping this is because I am pregnant, and not because I look desperate.) After all this time, I finally look pregnant, and I actually believe my husband when he tells me I look hot. I am so loving these pregnancy boobies. This is SO much better than I thought it would be.

My only real problems are some back pain (helped with walking, exercise and a $30 massage chair bought online) and apparently a low iron level. I will have to work on that iron, but this is easily fixed. Also, my boobs leak a little after sex, which is very odd, but oddly cool.

Now, of course, the evil jinx fairies will come in my sleep to get me. I know this. I will have stretch marks reaching my calves in the morning.

But I thought I’d put this out there. For all the poor miserable pregnant women, the likes of whom I might just be forced to join before all of this is over, there are some that get off easy. I am hoping to stay one of the outliers.

I am wondering - are easy pregnancies something that other women have, but just don’t talk about? I get the feeling that whenever someone has it good – whether a wonderful relationship, or plenty of money, or a job they love whatever – they tend to keep it secret. I suppose they don’t want to brag or jinx their situation. So, am I unusual, or do most people just keep their mouths (fingers?) shut?

6 Things I miss

admin April 10th, 2008

1. Mr. Wizard.
He was SO AWESOME. Why can’t they play Mr. Wizard reruns? We have Andy Griffith, Momma’s Family, Scooby Doo and Little Miss Sunshine all running right now. Why not Mr. Wizard?

2. Naivete about the safety of vehicles.
After years of science and engineering classes and a few summers spent mopping up after things have gone wrong, planes (not really trains) and automobiles have become tools of death. Especially automobiles.

3. My grandparents.
You never fully appreciate them until they are gone and you realize your kids will never know who they were.

4. Summer break
How much I would enjoy three months to spend or waste in sunshine, in pools, selling koolaide, and making it back home for dinner before dark.

5. Having infinite career choices
What do I want to do when I grow up used to be a great game. Now it is serious. And the more choices you make, the fewer that are left in most cases. I just don’t really see me as a fighter pilot, or an Amazon explorer or a dictator any time soon.

6. Playing with the parachute.
Did anyone else do this in PE? That was so much fun. Even if I could buy one now, I just don’t think it would be the same.

Detox

admin April 3rd, 2008

Dear Internet,

I am addicted to you. I would much rather interact with you than write my thesis. But I really need to write my thesis. Therefore, I am asking you to please leave me alone. Let me write my thesis. A good way to do this would be to deliver a light shock every time I tried to access you for non-research work before my daily goals are met. I would really appreciate the help. Thank you.

-me