Purely Anecdotal

admin March 26th, 2008

I am somewhat afraid of the thesis. Afraid I can’t get it done. Afraid it won’t let me leave. I have some confidence at the
moment, but I have to say that the thesis weighs on my mind.

Yesterday I added a HUGE amount to the thesis. It was mostly cutting and pasting from work I had done before. It is very rough and will need major editing and adding, but when I look at my document it now has a shitload of pages, and that makes me very happy. Maybe I can like, totally own this thesis.

The problem with me is that I love to write. This would normally seem more of a benefit than a problem, but the thing is I love to write well. I like to say things perfectly, beautifully, or at least the best I can muster, so previous writing was taking a long long time. I have decided that instead of something to look back on with glowing pride, I should just do this thing. I don’t mean that I shouldn’t worry about doing a good job, or getting things right, but I think I won’t try to make this a wonderful example of my writing ability, and more of a recap of what I have been doing and what I have learned in the last five years. And that I think will be good enough. I don’t love my research. I am ready to have it done. I need to finish this thesis.

I came across a wonderful analogy to the thesis writing process today on the blog of PhD (People have Doubts) so I thought I would re-post it here. Plus, I just have a thing for ants.

http://notarealdoctor.blogspot.com/2007/01/what-is-deal.html

“Monday, January 8, 2007
What is the deal?

Here is the deal. I am 28 years old. I have been in school since I was 4.
24 years of school. I have been in university since 1996. 11 f*cking years. The thought of that makes me want to pull my hair out.

The bright side? I am nearly there. NEARLY DONE.

The problem? There is one tiny weeny itsy bitsy little thing in my way. One minor task I need to complete so I can say good bye to school and enter the real world. I can’t even type it really. I haven’t said the word in weeks. Its just such a dirty sonofabitch of a word. Thhh thhhh. THESIS.

There I said it. I need to write my thesis. the-sis. thes-is. It’s just a thesis. Why is it so scary??? All I need to do is write it and I am free. I mean I can’t possibly fail my defense, right? Just write it, everyone keeps telling me. Just hurry up and finish. It sounds so easy.

No one really understands what a PhD truly entails unless they have gone through the process themselves. No one in my life (besides co-workers and fellow students that is) has any clue what is going on in my life, or in my head. They pretend to be sympathetic and say they feel for me but really, they can’t begin to understand how I feel right now.

How do I feel? I feel like an ant. Who left it’s family (herd? colony!) Who left it’s farm 5 years ago because it’s family was hungry and said ant thought to herself “Self, my family is hungry and they always think I am fat good for nothing ant but I am not good for nothing! I am smart and I have goals and I want to change the world!! I am going to prove to my family that I am Super-Ant!!” So Ant goes out into the world, away from the life she has lived in comfort in for her life and goes on with the goal to find the biggest piece of food ever known to man, I mean ants, and bring that huge delicious chuck of food back to show everyone in her farm that she is able and she, herself, is going to end ant-hunger.

After 5 years of the most excruciating journey of her life, after hundreds of sleepless nights, 18 hour days, begging for food, for love, wanting to bury herself in an abandoned ant-hole, Ant finds what she is looking for. Everyone is excited for her, but most of all they just want her to bring the damn thing home and get on with her life. All she has to do, they keep telling her, is bring it home. Just do it. But how is Ant going to get her prize home? It weighs 14million times as much as her! Its uphill all the way home!

I am at the bottom of the hill with this immense weight on my shoulders. All I have to do is bring it up the hill.

Easier said than done.”

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