On a Day far Removed from May 13
admin June 6th, 2007
I know it has been a long time since Mother’s Day, but I have putting off this post because I kept trying to wait until I could get it just right. I’ve finally decided that such a thing is not possible. So, here goes.
On mother’s day, I read quite a bit. I read many reflections from mothers on their experiences, and many people recalling, whether poignant or painful, experiences with their own mothers. I read tales of cute young children, preschool tots, teenage struggle, and belated appreciation. Many wonderful stories were written about mothers of sons and daughters, and even dogs, cats, and a snake in homage to this day. But as I read, I found something missing. Where were the sonnets devoted to the mother in law? Mention of this particular species was curiously absent. Now, this phenomena is likely easily understood. Mothers in Law are not traditionally a highly favored demographic. They come along often as so much unwanted baggage in a relationship. They often misuse their power, dismiss, criticize, cause friction, and a put their noses where they are not welcome. And certainly, there are some positively awful MsIL that can poison any relationship and who are just mean people. These are not the MiL of whom I speak. I refer to the MiL who may not be your favorite person, but who is a good person, one who may say the wrong thing, but for the right reasons. I am willing to bet that most MiL could be placed into this category.
It is easy to give homage to your own mother or yourself as the mother of your children and forget any contribution from the MIL. MILs are easily forgotten, being the actual mothers of other people, being the people that weren’t family until you brought someone else into yours. But please remember on this day, that mothers in law are mothers too. Though you may have “married the man, not his mother” this woman did raise this man (or woman) to whom you have pledged your devotion. This woman is also the grandmother to any of your children. And if you are a woman, and a mother, someday you may also be a MIL. She is important. She is family, whether you like it or not.
I write this from a unique perspective. This year I lost my Mother in Law. She is gone, and I never really appreciated her. I miss her because she’s the mother of my husband. I miss her because she would have been the grandmother of my children. And I miss her because she was MY mother in law. Mine. And now she’s gone. I miss her too, because should a new woman enter the family and try to be all of these things, she will never really be the same as the woman who raised my husband. I will never be able to see in this new woman, however wonderful she may be, in the things he does or says, or the way he looks. I have lost a part of my husband, and a part of our family. My children will never be able to know him better by knowing his mother. She will never be able to dote on her son’s child. And now, this mother’s day, my husband must take my mother, his mother in law, as a stand-in to his own. I don’t mean that my mother could ever replace his, but she is the closest thing he has at the moment, and though I love her, I pity him. She is an odd bird, that one. A very sweet, wonderful, odd bird. And she is not his mother. I hope it never happens to you, but someday, like him, your Mother in Law may become the only “mother” you have. And like me, you may lose one you never realized you took for granted.
So in between your crooning or crying, remember a mention of the Mothers in Law, who without whom, these people, our spouses, lovers, and parents, would not exist, and who, for all their faults, are our mothers too.